HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

That's a very insightful post, 1 my love, your children are truly lucky to have such a kind, thoughtful person as a mother, I'm sure you will guide them through it thinking of their best interests at all times.

Your husband sounds very similar to mine, not a good comparison I have to admit, self absorbed, entitled, selfish, to name a few attributes!

I'm the same with the house, it is an old property with quite a large garden, and it would be too expensive to run on my own, and maybe I do need a fresh start somewhere new. Although I would like to stay in the village, I have a good network of support here, I also have the fact that they live here too to contend with, and having not yet reached the Mecca of 'meh' that still bothers me.

Love to you all, x

After your post last night, this one's for you WWK Not quite, but similiar to a psychopath!

Ha! Bobs that's exactly how I'm thinking of it...! I've got this far as best I can...the problem I still got is what next? Still trying to figure that bit out.

Answers on a postcard .

Hobbit I've lent your balls to MrsC - didn't think you'd mind. I'm sure she'll get them back to you all nicely polished for Home to use

Yes I tend to over-share as well. My Mum was intensely private. As as result I tend to go the other way.

Home I didn't realise you are not in the family home. Hence why you are unhappy and would prefer to be there. I guess it's got to be tough if have have a wonderful house and you are the one who leaves it.

Re DC - I fully believe that eventually your DS will get fed-up of hearing his Mum being bad-mouthed and will get stroppy/stop listening. He will realise that you are the one who sets the boundaries/nags him etc and will come to respect that. Just keep on being consistent. One of the reasons my DDs came to realise what their dad was like was that he was so inconsistent in his actions (denied of course) and they hated his negative attitude. As 1's DC are older and they already have an idea of what is going on I think they will adjust more easily.

Having a nice day out with dd and some friends but I can't quite shake the feeling that no one cares what time we'll be home, the flip side of getting more freedom I suppose. We've come somewhere we've been lots of times before which is probably why I'm feeling this way.

A bit dramatic, dd's friends mum and my mil would wonder where we are eventually but it's not the same somehow.

Oh I know what you mean braving - as I live on my own it is like that. The cat would be looking for her dinner though !

Just found out that the DVD player that was making horrible grinding noises and got switched off won't come back on again - looks like a new one needed. Did the dusting of "behind the TV " and took out cables that are still there but no longer connected to anything ! And NO that's not the cause of the DVD not working I can be quite capable when necessary!

I am feeling sick with anxiety again - had my last session of free counselling today and c has reiterated that X's behaviour is a result of "stuff" that he still has to deal with but is pushing onto me - eases the guilt, stops him facing up to reality etc and I am his easy target - he can't vent at the kids, OW, work, his solicitor so has to be all my fault. I get all this - i have told her that - I got it that this was reason for affair in first place - as what was wrong with him couldn't be something to do with him - had to be my fault his life wasn't as he wanted it hence relationship.

How does this help me though? - There is a strong possibility house will have to be sold and I dont know if kids will be able to stay in school - my insurance money is also likely to come into the pot. I have been in bed all afternoon as cant face dealing with the stuff I need to do for sols.

green You have been through so much - it's hardly surprising that it's all too much sometimes. I admire the strength of so many of the ladies (and random man) who have posted on this thread. They've inspired me to believe I can do this. I think though that others would agree that you've been particularly brave and inspiring and I think that's it perfectly normal to have days when it's all too much and all we do is lie in bed. It's unfair. We didn't deserve any of this. Sometimes it's all too much.

Do you have much to do for sols? I'm going tomorrow and to be honest haven't got half the bits ready yet. I'm going to get up early. Can't face it tonight.

On the schools front - I'd ring them. My understanding is that most fee paying schools are hugely understanding about changes in family circumstances and do put children's well being before anything else. There might be a way round it? I know of a lady whose son is in year 8 and the school have come to a very generous arrangement so he doesn't have to leave. Definitely worth a call. Thinking of you xx

Green Don't know what to say

Having a bit of wobble myself this evening, I've just spoken to a friend, who is also dds Godmother. She's been very supportive but also wants to remain friends with H, which I can cope with until that becomes H and her. Has anyone managed to remain friends with someone who is also in contact with their ex and the ow? The friend in question had an affair with a married man years ago so maybe sees things differently I don't know.

TBH as she's dds Godmother I feel her loyalties should lie with us, but I can also see that might be selfish.

I know realistically there will be some contact between Hs family and her at some point, but it's too soon and too raw at the moment, when it comes down to it my PIL won't risk their relationship with dd but I don't know about others.

It's all so hard.

I've already cut off one godfather, who confessed he knew and didn't tell me, which is a (previously) good friend lost, but I can make new friends.

There was a lightbulb moment for me when I read your post nogoingback maybe I am too attached to my house to be happy there too. Maybe I'm imagining it will be the same as before and of course it won't. If I do get it back

braving The loyalty thing is hard from the other side of the fence. From our perspective it's so black and white but others don't see it like that. I had a very good friend who divorced years ago - her husband behaved badly but was also devastated about his own behaviour - as odd as that sounds. We supported them both as best we could - although I clearly made him aware of what I thought of him. They've both moved on and are ultimately happier and we are still friendly with them both and their new partners. I'm dreading involving friends and relatives in our separation as I want them to know exactly what I've dealt with and am dealing with BUT looking a few years down the line I want a peaceful family life and I don't want to lose friends. My advice is to try to be tolerant of friends and family and their mixed loyalties. Easier said than done as I'm sure I'm about to find out.....

Home straight the emotions surrounding the family home are so complicated. Who knows what the right thing is. I understand your emotions - I think you left in a hurry

Posted too soon.... I think you left in a hurry and so maybe need closure. I've had time to reach my decision about the house. I'm saying 'good bye' to it and detaching from it in my own way and in my own time. This probably sounds weird but it's true.

1 I think in this case her DP might have some influence and will prefer to keep in touch with me and dd, but who knows.

At this stage I'm thinking I've got enough on dealing with H who I'm stuck dealing with, other people I don't have to deal with if I don't want to so if that makes my life easier in the short term I may have to handle the longer term loss of friends. If that makes any sense at all.

braving yes it does make sense. I've got 2 texts on my phone from friends who I met at the school gates a few years back. H is now friends with their husbands too. I can't bring myself to text them back as I don't want to meet up at the moment. I'm hoping that they and others will understand eventually and if not.......

I think in divorce and the "not telling" that friends are put in a really horrible position. I would only hold it against a really close personal friend if they didn't tell me I think.

1 hope the meeting with the sol goes well

Quiet night last night - hope everyone has an OK day. Thinking of everyone !

Morning wise and everyone. Love the piccie. I'm organising for sol this morning. I've had a text from Mr HRT hoping my meeting goes well - he means hope my meeting goes well for him I'm not texting back and won't tell him how it goes - make him sweat. I was having a lovely 'play' with my shiny new laptop last night. All set up without any help In the past I'd have waited for his Lordship. He'll be pleasantly surprised to get home and find it up and running - not.
KOKO all.xx

1 Good luck, and well done for making him sweat :)

DDs had some email communication from H, he's hoping to see her on Monday "If that's OK?" which is at least an improvement on demanding to see her.

Shame it's overshadowed by the lies about where he is and what he's doing. Neither of us actually care what he's doing, but we do care about the lying.

I was promised the CETV from my larger personal pension (previous employer) by the end of the month, so fingers crossed something turns up today or tomorrow, it'll feel like a bit of a step forward.

Hope everyone is OK.

It's so hard when they manage to turn your own children against you. Still waiting for him to get the maturity to recognise the manipulation and still hoping its all just words. I may be delusional on both counts only time will tell. He may reach 18 and decide to never see me again if i believe his words thats very likely. It's hard when your own DC rips into you and you have to try to stop the tears in time for work.

1 good luck for today. Well done for setting up the laptop. All these things serve to show us that we can indeed do these things, they don't have any special powers to do certain things,just experience. That was an honest and heartfelt post yesterday. A period of reflection post GCSE will be good.

braving I am always impressed with the way you handle things, a textbook case of how to do it.

Green it's an awful thing, all of this. And sometimes I think to myself the reasons don't matter, the consequences are what's important. Hold on in there xx I was going to post a reply to your post re me yesterday but when I read that post of yours it didn't seem appropriate.

Well' I had a good day yesterday, talked to dentist about future work that could be needed, so I have a game plan for ensuring those costs will come out of joint spending. Then went shopping for a shirt for DS1. Treated him to a few bits too, as I would have done post separation. Also got some more clothes in the sale, minimal spend. If he thinks I'm going to wear clothes that are too big for me, have a severely restricted wardrobe for work and going out, or am going to live like a pauper whilst he spends out on whatever he wants to, he can go take a jump off a cliff. Meantime, I checked this morning, and he hasn't sent me a copy of the credit card bill. And the timing coincides with when he complained because I paid a bill of £16 myself instead of leaving it to him, and cutting him out of the email from said person. Stupid entitled prick. Well if I can't agree the entries I won't lose any sleep over it, it's just another job I don't have to do. I'm not going to do anything about it, and that will just piss him off even more. I'm actually quite grateful in a way, because every little stroke he pulls like this tells me 1. He clearly can't be happy if he feels the need to be spiteful 2. It kills any residual feelings about him in moments of weakness 3. It strengthens my resolve to do all of this to get the best possible outcome for me. What a prick and a half he is. Hopefully his blood is still boiling. Mine, slightly annoyed, but I have the upper hand and know I could pull the rug from under his feet anything I so chose. Tempting as that may be, it's not in my best financial interests, so I will play the long game. Operation spend up continues. I will be pricing out the cost of doing stuff in the garden. And this iPad is seriously laggy. It's an old one and a necessity. Something to replace when I have spent what I want on the house first. He will see the iPad as a necessity but not other stuff, so won't refuse to "sanction" a replacement. And he told me ages ago to replace my laptop. And I told him that when I was ready I was going to get an apple computer. It's something he has resisted over many years, not allowing me to get a Mac. But he has caved in to that. So another battle of wills won. I always get what I want in the end. In which case he and OW should be very scared indeed

Hobbit your post yesterday about spending and being a clever cat. It did make me laugh. I was in the dentist's waiting room at the time

It's so hard when they manage to turn your own children against you. Still waiting for him to get the maturity to recognise the manipulation and still hoping its all just words. I may be delusional on both counts only time will tell. He may reach 18 and decide to never see me again if i believe his words thats very likely

Teenagers are difficult at the best of times. Hold on in there, they can say all sorts, but it doesn't mean they believe what they say. He is letting it out to the person closest to him. Just continue to show your love for him xx