Was just thinking about you Why on the way home, that it'd been a while since we'd heard from you and you'd said you'd been poorly. Good to see you back again. It's really nice reading your advice to others, I always think when you can say 'actually, here's my insight into your situation', like you've done here tonight, that you get some sense of change in yourself (even if your own feelings aren't constant). Progress is progress after all. But I'm with you on the bizarre 'sudden remembering memories stuff' - they pop up at the most odd occasions. I've just recalled a 'red flag' involving a restaurant...right in the first few dates! Oh, I wish MN was an educational establishment for women...Oh, hang on!
Cornish - I'd strongly recommend you ignore all texts from now on if that's the sort of mindfuck he's going to engage in. That 'put-down' sense of humour is no longer acceptable (not sure that it ever is most of the time to be honest). One of the things I'm becoming more aware of is challenging supposed 'close' family members when they start with that. It is corrosive to your self-esteem, which is already fragile. If they can't say anything nice, they can fuck off. In my humble opinion, of course. My counsellor was the one who taught me that by the way - really opened my eyes to it. Now when it starts, either I say something contrary, pointedly not react (so it's clearly tactless) or I death stare them out of the 'humour'.
Frizzy, I'm taking it you're doing the self-flaggelation if you're mentioning you haven't got dressed for two days. When you're self-confident and happy, then this is a non-event - it really is. So what if you didn't get dressed for two days, it's not as if you were giving a state of the union address, is it? And healthy, happy, normal people don't always get dressed if they aren't going out! In fact, this week I "wurked" for two days in my pyjamas! I know I'm a monumental hypocrite (my 'measuring thing' was the washing up...) but I can at least recognise now that it's a "symptom" of my not feeling happy. So I can point out that it's 'just' another way, your mind is making you feel even worse about things and you are allowed to say 'who the fuck cares? And if they do, they can fuck off right now'...
The other problem we've ALL possibly got, but you're doing it too, is that when we think of the long term future, we simply cannot imagine it being anything other than dreadful. Thus the 'Is this how it is?' long term sadness, is because this is how we're seeing it short-term. However, these feelings do subside over time, and we start seeing the world more positively in the now occasionally (merely moments of 'meh' but they get more frequent and longer). Way too many women come back and say 'it's gets better, much better. They were us once. Just as snotty, just as pathetic, just as broken.
It's five weeks. As I once said to drifted (probably tactlessly but I'll risk saying it again): At five weeks I was still heading downwards: I was nowhere near the bottom (think month four or so for me). I say this because it doesn't mean you're not at the bottom, but it does mean the way you're feeling right now is perfectly normal at this stage.
all you know the 'hating' thing, I mean that's something I always struggled with in the early days because I could not (and to some extent still cannot) get my head around that. So I'm wondering, now, that although I sort of see they 'need' to, but whether they had a character flaw in the first place that we sort of just minimised?
So in my trying to rationalise the irrational, I'm wondering
a) whether throughout your marriage you were always to blame for things. E.g. MrSW once crashed into the back of my bike. Guess who was to blame for that! E.g. being a victim of a crime, yep that was my fault too. Yep, the baggage got lost on holiday, yep....all my fault! Oh, we had a problem with the council, muggins here got to sort it all out, but guess whose fault it was in the first place (and it was the council's - which they admitted so all was resolved eventually...on council o'clock time obvs!). Whereas I don't cast around looking for blame, I just look to resolve shit, but he's constantly looking to dish shit.
b) that there's some other justification, e.g. guilt. Although I'm convinced, now, in my highly-qualified non medical opinion, that MrSW is a mere psychopath.
As an aside MrsC is back in court on Friday, and sadly I can't make it this time. It's more endless fuckwittery from him so if you can pop on to her thread and wish her well, it may be nice for her to hear from you. She's fine (we had a good long chat last night) but the fuckwittery is off the scale right now. An absolutely wonderful woman in person who deserves a lot better out of life.
Regarding the home, like Bobs I'm in temporary accommodation having already had to put my homes on the market, so I know the despair that that entails. What I'm hoping is that although I mourn the loss of them, when I can finally move to a new place, it's the making of plans that gives you a sense of optimism. Look at Sakura's feelings about trying to start again, you get this sense of excitement amongst the feelings of sadness. And that's how I think it will be for all of us. Hard though as it is coming to terms with it.
Anyway, I've had a lot of thinking time lately. It's still not easy - but it's still not anything like as bad as a year ago. KOKO one and all.