HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

Oh bobs your garden piccies have made me cry. Your garden looked not dissimilar to mine - although I've made no effort this year - the flowers are still beginning to bloom though - it's like they are still trying to thrive even though I've finally given up.

The driving thing worries me too. I hate driving and truth be told don't have great spatial awareness and so fast slip roads scare the living day lights out of me. Well, I guess there's always the train........

ali you've been absent a while - and frizzy hope you ladies are ok?

A gardener is the thing I'm splashing out on, I've got enough on with work, the house and of course dd and ddog but it is nice to have it looking tidy. He's out there now (with his shirt off) cutting the hedge.

I'm thinking of having him every other week for a couple of hours over the spring /summer.

Braving - is he fit? Is he using a scythe?

He is fit, if a bit young and skinny for me, he's been using a strimmer, surely the modern equivalent of a scythe

Hi all

Green Hobbit 1 and bobs your thoughts re financials are much appreciated. I will post later in reply. And no, I'm not at all offended or think you presumptuous.

And to all who have offered support recently, a heartfelt thanks.

I'm just off out to get more stuff for Operation Sort Out. And as he's happy for me to 1. Get the house decorated 2. Get the house organised 3. Provide a home for his sons 4. Keep my mouth shut.......well, he knows what that means, doesn't he? Which is that it all costs money!!! Anyway, as I get a staff discount due to DS2 and it's extra staff discount today, it's my duty to save money. And we all know how it works when things are on discount, the more we spend the more we save

Hobbit, Jess is a beautiful dog. But you are more so .

Oh and if you're getting new glasses, don't forget prescription sunglasses too!

I'm thinking of having him every other week for a couple of hours over the spring /summer.

Oh really braving ????

wise you don't miss a thing

braving good for you

izzie you're still with us Hadn't though of sun glasses

wise one Dirty Mind

bobs Ta very much, that's a great compliment coming from you, you are Miss Organised 1960, with your spreadsheets n' all....

Izzbob glad you're a little brighter today sweetheart, I DID get prescription sunglasses as well, no flies on Hobbit < eeww>

wise that's the first thing I thought about as well!
Great minds thinks alike eh? < well, old dirty ones, tee HEE>

Garden looks lovely by the way, bobs my love, I hate gardening, nasty, prickly, stingy stuff, although I love flowers, that was twunts area, must say it's looking a bit overgrown atm, my brother has cut the grass though.
Otherwise I would have needed a machete to put the washing out

Hobbit smart lady!

bobs what a beautiful garden. I particularly like the one with the gravel path, that is how I like a garden to look. I quite enjoy gardening now, except for mowing. If and when I move I will definitely want a smaller garden though, as I would prefer to enjoy sitting in it rather than maintaining it.

wise ahem me too

Well I've returned from the shop laden with more boxes and a few other items. And as twunt told me I shouldn't lose too much weight don't want to compare slim me with porkers them I thought I would get a takeaway lunch too. Oh bugger, forgot to look at gift cards.

I'm off to fill my boxes now. Ooh missus!

Hobbit only because I have nothing better to do with my time!!!

Garden DID look lovely - that was my old one that we used to open to the public every year to raise funds for the local primary village school. Or at least I did all the work, he would disappear on the day. One year I had over 500 plants for sale on the patio - all self grown. Now that was a nice feeling

My rented garden? Well it's green with a few lot of weeds I'm cultivating can't be bothered with - pretty ones like forget-me nots. Even the dandelions look pretty from a distance. Lots of Alchemilla Mollis (lady's mantle) which self spreads. And the nettles are good for the insects

"no flies on Hobbit" So you managed to get some insect repellent along with the specs

In the interests of completeness, did your brother also have his shirt off while mowing the lawn?

Izzie I personally laid the pavers on that gravel path - all 13 of them. I was only allowed to take 6/7 at a time in my car from B&Q as they were so heavy.
The colour in the pic was from:
Wisteria Sinensis
Clematis Montans
Choisya Aztec Pearl
Lilac Tree

showing off horticultural knowledge. I thought about getting a job gardening, but it's such tough back breaking work I don't think I could cope. Plus I'm a wuss when it gets cold!!!

Do you miss your old garden bobs now that you are renting? I'm asking because I'm still massively struggling to accept that I won't be going back to my home. I didn't realise until now how much I had held onto the hope that I might go back. WWK spent two hours talking through the whole court process bless her she's a goodun I now know exactly what to expect on the day.

bobs my brother did not have his shirt off thankfully, as he is ten years older than me, < I am the youngest of four> and that would not be a pretty sight,

Poldark, he is not....

It's a bitter pill to swallow, home my love isn't it?

I have agreed to put the house on the market next spring, so FF can have his equity to buy a house with BF, so at least I have some time to get used to the idea.

Fucking fuckity fuck, I love this house, never mind, only bricks and mortar...

Oooohhh... Get you bobs Titchmarsh

I can assure you there are no 'actual' flies on me, that would be gross....

Ladies, and Random Man, operation divorce (do not mean to sound flippant - just coping strategy) has commenced. Just ordered myself a laptop - he does know - from a well known store that offers a 3 year guarantee. He has a wine collection that is quite dear to his heart - well more dear to his heart than me at any rate so I gave him the choice of giving me our desktop computer - which is a pricey version and quite new - or maybe half the wine or buying me a reasonably priced laptop - essential for work - assuming he would like me to carry on working...... He quickly saw sense Collecting it tomorrow from the supermarket branch of well known retailer. What next??? Car booked for a once over, opticians booked, new shoes en route as we speak.

home hobbit I'm relatively sanguine about the house - although losing it is a bitter pill to swallow nonetheless. I learnt the hard way when my DC were tiny that a house is just bricks and mortar -as are the contents at the end of the day - just things. Possessions are nothing compared to our children - and we all still have them.

Ah, 1 we've trained you well...

A wine collection eh? I've got an empty wine bottle collection ,

I might offer to come and help him drink it if I didn't know how much of an idiot he was, KOKO my lovely, x

bobs there's a lady that I know who does garden design - makes quite a good living. She hires Poldark types to do the work. My mum and dad have used her. She prepares plans as to what will look good where, buys the plants and arranges delivery but has others to do the physical stuff? I know several people in fact who have used her. Might be worth considering if you like and are knowledgeable about gardens and plants?

hobbit it's infuriating. We've God knows how many bottles of the stuff but we don't drink it..... well we drink wine but what I buy from the supermarket. He started collecting the stuff pretty much from the start of our marriage. Occasionally we're 'allowed' a bottle..... The more I think about my marriage the more I wonder what I was thinking. Are you ladies sure I'm not a loony???

Talking of supermarkets - we've nothing for dinner and DS2 complaining....

Catch up later xx

1 my DD2 complaining too as i'm feeding us left-over frozen turkey from Easter - some sort of stir-fry using whatever;s in the fridge . It's gonna be amazeballs - me being cordon bleu an'all (think she'll call it cordon yuk!)

Talking about that, I also did a wine course - I could come over and help test his wine 1. Could be worth a bob or 2 if he's been collecting it for a while. (You can google the labels to see - winebid or such-like) Most wine needs to be kept "in bond" to be stored right so it doesn't go "off"

Hobbit no space for empty bottle collection - have got good at recycling getting rid of the evidence

Shame about brother - was thinking party at yours with 1 h's wine whilest ogling

Home so pleased you have spoken to WWK was wondering but didn't want to ask!. We need all the help we can get!

Re missing old house/garden - well it was a 5 bed Victorian 'pile' that cost a fortune to maintain with large garden front and back. It had massive trees - oak, beech etc and I got totally fed up of clearing the leaves come autumn. It also meant the borders were quite shady . The new owners have spent a fortune renovating it (think they've run out of money actually!!!) But no - I'd like something much smaller and I don't really miss it. I just miss having something that's mine really. I will miss my mum's home more when it is eventually sold as that is where I grew up. Given the chance I'd like to have taken a lot of the plants but only managed a couple of hostas and astrantias. Still have the aeonium collection though, which is tricky as they have to come in for the winter.

No - new start is needed - and that includes hose, garden etc. It's the people that matter

Just remembered - stbx bought a load of wine when we went to bordeaux about 15 yrs ago- St Emilion and the like. Wonder what that's worth (something he might just have to get valued if court is on the agenda)

Well today has been a day for him seeing the DC. I always dread it and my hands shake. And I'm not dreading it because I hate seeing him. The stupid thing is I want to see him, to see if I still have feelings for him, and I do. I look at him and I still fancy him.

How does that make sense? The man has devastated me, never gave a thought to my feelings when he was betraying me, and yet my stomach still flips when I see him.

I want to be able to look at him and think well she is welcome to him but I just can't yet.