HOBBIT’S BAR – still finding it hard to move on…part 9

[bobs123]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, ask for advice, relate to others in the same situation, take a break and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her.
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.

Our theme tune is

My name is bobs, 55, married 22 years, 2 DDs 21 & 18 who have NC with their Dad. Nisi granted last April on the basis of 2 year separation while living in the same house. Tried solicitors for over a year to sort out the financials, then mediation for 5 months which didn’t work as due to his PA nature he is all but supine and unable to contribute. Sold our family home over a year ago and have been living in rental as he had the house proceeds frozen. He has now been given a choice of accepting my proposal or going to arbitration or court.

Link to last thread, which has links to all the previous threads here

I've just put a comment in iwas thread saying you can tell a lot about someone by seeing their family. Either I didn't realise it at the time I met the ex or I thought he was different to the rest of them. It's too long ago to remember. But knowing what I know now, being more worldly wise, I wouldn't have got involved with him. They are all emotionally repressed. That is the worst possible match for someone like me. As I said before, he turned into his father. I told him that if he did so I would either murder or divorce him. Well, knowing my own back story, I think I can claim another of my predictions came true. I also predicted that he will have a breakdown.

izzie /iwas just wanted to say great support of each other going on for you both.

izzie i think you are slowly coming to a realisation that you are going to have to force the financials - until you have this sorted you are always going to be "linked" with him. from what you say our twunts are the same - both cowards both from defunct families - mine would have been quite happy to carry on in a limbo as long as he got to have his cake & eat it & mine too!
I sometimes feel a bit removed from this thread dont get to join in as much as I would like but I also find when I am on here a lot it keeps me "sort of stuck" - dont know if this makes sense to anyone - but having said that the support Ive had off here has been tremendous and I wouldn't have got through those early days without you wonderful ladies.

well you said they will get nastier as the court date approaches and X is now drawing the kids into the equation by threatening a contact court order- this in my view is totally unnecessary and all because I no longer allow him to walk all over my boundaries - does WA do anything on this - my counsellor has been great on this but i have only one last session. The thing is I am not inflexible - I often dont mind most things but he is continually taking the P8ss and abusing me to his own end and doesnt like that I am no longer allowing this. My mental health has improved - I am no longer on the floor as I once was and having a professional say this is where the boundary should be - he is overstepping has helped but I need to put something else in place to keep me going.

I do read all threads even though dont always comment - sorry new ones are still coming on board but you will get great support and advice here

KOKO - L.G.O xx

These sad men think that a couple of minutes phone call to their children make them the same father - little do they realise that the children are smart enough to see through it all. Their attempt to be "reasonable" and not the shit that they really are backfires - think the children would rather have a bit of honesty "yes I have behaved badly " but this pretence that nothing has happened, that they haven't turned everyone's lives upside down is just seen as pathetic. As my son says he talks about just random things usually to do with his own life.

When you think of it , sometimes the children are glad to see the back of them- my son has also witnessed the last 3/4 years of his self absorption, his moods and his increasing general lack of interest in him - not sure whether this is a character trait that was always there ( don't think so) or whether it is the result of stressful times - some admittedly brought on by himself when he did have an affair 4 years ago. Whatever - the end result is the same - a man who has abandoned his child ( who was his pride and joy) and marriage of nearly 30 years.

...but they ( the fathers) think that they haven't and are still in running for Father of the Year!

Well have woken up to a sunny day after the usual night of tossing, turning and waking up frequently sweating and in a panic.

Why oh why do I take my phone up to bed with me? I am my own worst enemy. I resist and resist texting him but before I know it I have sent off a text asking him yet again how he could have given everything up and reminding him of our happy times and time after time, after a flurry of texts, I end up feeling more upset and stressed with his evasive answers.

Every single time he manages to turn the blame back round to me and how I caused him to do it. He is as slippery as an eel and yes I do hate the ow. I really really want to ring her and tell her a few home truths but I owe her nothing and he will just bullshit her anyway and tell her I am lying.

I feel like sending her the screens shots I have kept of him telling me he wishes it had never happened and how he can't accept the fact that I now call him my ex, he wishes he could hold me again etc etc. But I shan't.

I will keep my dignity and as a poster said above ( sorry I don't know how to check who it was while I am actually writing this) will just hope that she ends up being treated like I was.
He forgets I know him too well. He has obviously realised he has made the biggest mistake of his life. He knows I have said it is over but is obviously hoping I will have a change of heart. Meanwhile he will keep her dangling as the other iron in the fire. He will have told her not to pressurize him whilst he sorts things out.

Support in rl has kept me going it really has. Their counsel has helped me to realise what a weak selfish man he is when I have been too upset and vulnerable to realise it for myself.

Yet when I am on my own through the dark hours and when I hear the dawn chorus at 4 am I lie and cry about the waste of it all and become so frightened and fed up at the thought of another day putting on a game face.

izzie hope you're ok this morning? I think maybe green is right. You seem to be moving on and reclaiming the house as your own but perhaps the whole lack of movement/resolution of the financials is stopping you totally moving forward? That having been said, I totally understand why you aren't in a hurry. I'm a pretty black and white person though - I want(ed) to remain married and keep my family together in our home pretty much at all cost. Once I realised that was out of the question, I also realised that I needed to move on and start again. I've pushed for him to come up with something financially as I want him to face up to the consequences of his actions and I need to know how much cash I will have going forward. I feel better now I do - subject to sol checking things out- and he feels worse. Well tough. He wanted this and now he's damn well got it with bells on. He couldn't sleep last night apparently. Well join the club. I'm leaving him to sort out the sale or not of the house. The sheds are packed with stuff - moving from here would be a nightmare. Well now it's his nightmare. He lives here on his own or he sells up - neither option appeals to him but he caused this mess and so he can clear it up.

I know everyone's situation is different and maybe I am 'running' which in the end will prove to be a mistake but I hate limbo. Perhaps start to think about sorting the money side of things again - even if you do then decide to hold off a while longer for good reasons?

Remember you are a total x

cornish Yes, the mornings. Another day and the realisation that it wasn't a nightmare and life is changing for ever and the curse of the late night texts - or in my case the early morning, mid morning, lunch time, afternoon, evening and all through the night texts.

I don't think anyone, no matter how well intentioned, can understand this hell unless you've lived through it or are living through it. It is exhausting having to try to maintain appearances - don't always think you've got to put on a 'game face' though. I manage - more or less at work - get into the car for the drive home and have a mini breakdown.
Be kind to yourself - it's early days. Your strength comes through in your posts - even if you don't feel strong at the moment.

I had some great advice on here early on cornish my love, and that was never to send a text or email when you were in your pajamas, wait until morning until you have a clearer head, things seem so much bleaker when you can't sleep, and you often say shit you would later regret. I know I certainly did.

After that I went no contact for months, and that was a great help in sorting my head out a bit, taking the pressure away, and letting me dictate the process. He chose this, so you get to choose the best way forward for you and your children now. If that means doing nothing, so be it, you need to gather your troops around you and gain strength, RL support is invaluable, we are here to understand and empathise, and offer advice if we can.

Chin up lovely girl, it will get better, the man is a fool, and a deluded one at that.

Great post from 1 , the woman is a genius
Well, maybe not a genius, but you certainly talk sense, making Mr HRT see that his actions have consequences is a positive step, well done you.

hobbit You've embarrassed me in a good way. So I'm not a raving loony mad cow then x

Hello, lovely Izzie, I wanna come and give you a big hug, my little firecracker, you've been over stretching yourself again, can you not be a lazy caahh like me? Probably not, you're like a little Tasmanian devil, a tiny whirlwind< who smokes like a chimney>

I second and third what the other posters have said about starting the financial seperation and actual divorce process. In my case, the not knowing about how I stood and how I would manage made my anxiety greater.
When you know how you stand it makes it a little easier to accept.

I would never presume to know what's best for you, only you can decide that, we are very similar in a lot of ways, in our situation, long marriage, young adult sons, I will be 8 months on from him leaving at the end of May, so similar time frame.
Dismantling a thirty year marriage is never going to be easy, things wii occur to trip you up, memories resurface, they do with me all the time.
For example, on our fridge there are a ton of magnets from all the places we went to on holiday, and I look at them every day and remember the past, but the past is another country as they say, and it doesn't help to dwell on it.
So maybe it would help to initiate the divorce, see a solicitor, issue your petition, get the ball rolling so to speak, on your terms.

Obviously, I am nearly at the end now, have the nisi, mediation completed, consent order with solicitor, then when that's done I can apply for my absolute and it will be done. I am staying in the marital home for another year and then it will go up for sale. That will be hard I'm sure, but maybe a fresh start is what I need, a house with no memory of him living in it.

You are as far as you can get from a raving loony mad cow as far as I can see, 1 my love, Mr HRT is a fool for losing you. X

Do ya know what? I wish we could stick all these useless, spineless, unfaithful, sorry excuses for husbands and fathers in a big fucking rocket and fire'em off into a black hole never to return, so we'd never have to see their sorry arses ever again, got the RAGE again ladies, KOKO all.

izzie please dont think i presume to know what is best for you either - my words aren't as eloquent as hobbits or 1s but the feeling comes from the heart and I sense what is going on behind the "posts" - you seem to be trying to put your surroundings in order - catching up on all the "jobs" that are left over from the marriage - I did that too in the beginning - a sort of proof to him (and myself if Im honest) that I can manage without him. Well I can and so can you. I stopped doing stuff around the house - I still have plenty to sort out - there is still stuff of his here but until I know where I stand i decided to just put it all on hold - if i keep the house there is plenty of time to sort it - if the house is to be sold i will have a deadline to work too but either way I will know what the outcome is. Most of my attention went on myself - I hadn't neglected myself during the marriage but I had sacrificed a lot for the family - and I needed to do this to get myself back on track. I want to give you a hug too but also want to take you out to party - what are you doing this week other than decorating - what are you doing for you!!

I know I keep coming back to this but I will ladies - we all "neglect" ourselves, we lose sight of who we are and now more than ever we need to be able to connect with ourselves - there has been some of this recently from according & iwas - well I seem to remember asking you what you were doing for yourself - what have you done

big hugs ladies xx

I think what enrages me the most is the sense of entitlement of these twunts. They are the great entitled ones. Mr HRT has a bloody good life. He's a wife who love(s)(d) him, children who do too - despite the fact that he is far from easy to live with on a daily basis, he has a lovely home in a beautiful part of the world, we have secure jobs (hopefully) and parents are close and at hand both for their life emergencies and ours. But he's so unhappy... Maybe he/they ought to turn the news on occasionally to see what unhappiness and sorrow really is.

Here's a special jessagram for our lovely girl.....

Look closely at Jess, she is wearing her steel balls....
For all the ladies heading into arbitration or the court process, bobs home and green showing support for you all my all lovely Hobbiteers, xx

Yep, you're spot on again, 1 my love, 'ol FF was always unhappy about something or other, no pleasing the twat.

The glass was always half empty for him, never half full, nothing was ever 'good' enough, even me it now seems. The council house boy has now got a posh southern social worker, hasn't he gone up in the world.

Bitter and twisted, reporting from the arse end of nowhere, xx

Ps, going to get my new glasses and contacts now, operation drain joint bank account still in full effect......

Yes Hobbit I'm about to ring the opticians x ps think my computer is beginning to play up too.....

How are you today Izzie - ceiling or floor? metaphorically speaking

I suggested gently a couple of threads ago that you might be ready/in a position to sort the financials/divorce out. I agree with the others that perhaps you should be considering it now??? I wonder if the closer you are coming to getting the house sorted, the more it is on your mind. suggest you keep the permit - just in case you need it to get rid of his junk.

After the talk of finite tears yesterday, I was thinking tears? nope, not me atm. Then I read green's post re neglect. I am now blubbing I so hate my enforced life-in-limbo. I have no desire to do anything - especially anything that is unfamiliar. Even driving to DD1's uni next week is making me nervous. I just concentrate on DDs lives/needs which keeps me going.

I love gardening, but just maintain the one here to a basic standard coz it's not mine.

D-Day (decision day for twat) is Friday - will it be a,b or c?

Hobbit I so envy your position. You have all your duck in a row. You have done brilliantly considering

1 you have come on so much since you joined the bar. You sound so strong now and are giving great advice - not loony at all. however you will be allowed a lot of leeway once discussions start in earnest

Yes bobs it is the limbo - waiting on everything - pensions, sale of property etc - the problem is that we are dismantling our present life but we can't see our future life yet! ( Or we fear what we think we may see in the future..)

ali where are you? Is all OK?

Some photos of my old garden

I agree re the limbo thing, I like to plan my finances carefully, not knowing where I stand in terms of able to sort the new mortgage, not having the pension information, not being in a position to change my car (which is now totally unsuitable for my circumstances but is in negative equity because I only bought it last year) - all doing my head in.