social services tore my family apart

[kimboz2627]

I have been with my (ex)partner 5 and a half years we've had ups and downs like everyone.
I've suffered depression and anxiety I went through ALOT as a child and I suppose I push people to the edge to see if they love me in my eyes (hitting) I have alot of issues and accept I need counselling and help with my anger myself I'm not perfect.
I'm not taking full responsibility for his actions there's no excuse to hurt a woman either.
there have been times I've called the police just to get him out and have a break to gather my own thoughts and feelings,obviously DV flags up and social services get involved they have been on and off since I had my Daughter in 2011,now they said that basically if I don't comply with their rules they will take the children away.
My anxiety has come back full throttle so of course I told him to get his own place.
social service made and I literally mean MADE me get a ex parte non molestation order and a prohibited steps order(he took them in January without my consent) but realised after a week it's not easy being a single parent and soon bought them back.
Social services are basically keeping us apart now and telling him one thing and me another.I stay in regular contact with the nursery my daughter goes to and health visitor and always tell the truth about what's going on at home to which they both say my children are fine and not showing any signs of anything being wrong.
I don't understand how social services can tear my family apart and the just 'close the case' but say if we ever resume a relationship the children will go to child protection straight away without even so much as an assessment??
I feel let down by the courts and social services I'm just an anxious mum who listens to anyone and does as she's told literally by any authority.
The social worker even told me to 'act scared and cry if I can' so I get the orders I was scared of her and being in a courtroom for the first time so obviously that showed.
I think we can work on our relationship living separately and only when we are happy and comfortable resume it properly including moving back to the family home or start a fresh somewhere.
I'm in a state of panic and really do not know what to do my sister is the go between right now and he's willing to do what it takes and so am I.
Our children are happy healthy and have everything they could ever need/want in life we both care and love them deeply but I do not like being dictated to by SS they say about control and DV and that's what they are doing to me surely it's abusive behaviour as THEY say.
I would never let my children get hurt or anything but they say even when they are asleep they hear blah blah blah,surely every couple argues and yes it's gone beyond that but we want help to keep our family not drive a wedge I just feel like a statistic right now and not a woman who just wants her family together.
I accept it's going to be a long road and we both have to be willing I think we are so what can I do any adviadvice??
I will be ringing my solicitor and the social workers supervisor asap to clarify the situation my sister has a child and life of her own he doesn't pose a risk to the children every report says we are good parents we just have the times of hardship and need support that they don't give!!
The only thing they have to go on is me calling the police and him taking them in January he's been charged twice (pleaded guilty) any other incident which is 2 maybe 3 more got NFA!!
They twisted my words and I'm guilty of not reading just signing things making the situation worse they say things I never even said trying to catch us out.
Any advice will be appreciated thanks so much for reading.

A real story from the other side:

Woman with 2 children leaves abusive husband and goes to a refuge.

Social services say they won't get involved unless woman goes back to man. Fair enough.

Woman complies (she was never going back in any case).

After police investigation 🙄and CPS deciding not to prosecute, the Family courts finally decide that man can see his children.

Now woman is in the wrong if she doesn't hand her children to their abusive father.

Man is still emotionally abusive.

In this case the social services did the right thing. The police and family courts not so much. SS are doing the right thing in your case too. Children need to be protected from the poor decision making of their parents and from abuse. Can't you see that?

Wtf. 😡

You need to respect the order and realise that SS don’t put these in place for no reason. The amount of minimising in your post is crazy.

Being a child who grew up in the environment you are talking about, I might have appeared fine day to day (social services weren’t aware), I am a fucked up adult.

stay away from that man and work on your issues.

You could be right - he may never hurt the children but that isn’t the only issue that social services are worried about.

They don’t want YOU hurt either or for the children to witness any violence as that will affect them emotionally. There are many ways they are trying to protect the children from different types of harm.

I can tell you are finding this hard but you need to understand they won’t let this go - and rightly so. You need to accept the relationship is over and cannot be fixed or started again if you want to keep your children.

You sound like a caring person you just need to accept what’s being said to you, take some time to think and move on. Work on yourself - have counselling etc just for you. Get yourself in a good position emotionally , enjoy your children and some point in the future you will be ready for a healthy relationship but for now focus on your children

good luck

My Dsis used to spout all the "Oh the kids are fine" when I was begging her to get help.

They are in their teens and late 20's now and all have severe MH issues, due to what they went through.

SS didn't tear your family apart, you have.

In all honesty I'm pretty amazed that the social services are being so proactive. I used to be a social worker & despite some opinions here, have worked with couples who have domestic violence issues & some get through it & stay together, I'm surprised that they haven't at least tried courses & programmes to help first, without separating the family seemingly permanently. They may have done I don't know.
It does seem like they've taken the attitude to separate you from him rather than remove the children. I'm sorry OP that you're going through this, it must feel powerless & yes, anxiety provoking.
I would say that enabling change is the purpose of social work, and for some reason they don't think that you or your partner can at this stage make those changes. And I get that you don't feel you've been offered the opportunity to make the changes yourself.
The key to all of this (& honestly I don't see you have a choice at this point), is to seek help to look at your relationship patterns, you don't have to at this stage see yourself as never being in a healthy relationship - don't give up on yourself. But you're on pause & will come out of this ok with the right help.
You need to feel like you have someone on side, seek counselling or advocacy ( if your county provides advocacy). If you can afford it, get a private counsellor.
And your sister sounds lovely. Hold onto this family that love you for you.

You need to cut and paste this and put it in a new thread that is your own.

People are getting confused with the original, old thread.

You will be judged by making a life choice that puts your children in an environment that may do them harm.

Fucks sake this is a zombie thread people.

Are people really that dense that they can’t read a date from 7 years ago?

MN HQ you really need to close or delete these threads. Right now it’s trending and has no bearing on anything from today.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ALERT

This thread is SEVEN years out of date.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ALERT

This thread is SEVEN years out of date.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ALERT

This thread is SEVEN years out of date.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ALERT

This thread is SEVEN years out of date.

But the issues remain evergreen.

And two new posters have recently gnoses their issues in this older thread and this has encouraged them to articulate their situation. They now know they can seek support here by starting g their own thread - unless of course tbe outraged hostility of tbe ‘FFS this is a zombie thread’ brigade puts them off

< gnoses = recognised >

Hell everyone and thanks for all the reports. This is a zombie thread from 2015 so we will close it shortly - we advise starting a new thread.
MNHQ