social services tore my family apart

[kimboz2627]

I have been with my (ex)partner 5 and a half years we've had ups and downs like everyone.
I've suffered depression and anxiety I went through ALOT as a child and I suppose I push people to the edge to see if they love me in my eyes (hitting) I have alot of issues and accept I need counselling and help with my anger myself I'm not perfect.
I'm not taking full responsibility for his actions there's no excuse to hurt a woman either.
there have been times I've called the police just to get him out and have a break to gather my own thoughts and feelings,obviously DV flags up and social services get involved they have been on and off since I had my Daughter in 2011,now they said that basically if I don't comply with their rules they will take the children away.
My anxiety has come back full throttle so of course I told him to get his own place.
social service made and I literally mean MADE me get a ex parte non molestation order and a prohibited steps order(he took them in January without my consent) but realised after a week it's not easy being a single parent and soon bought them back.
Social services are basically keeping us apart now and telling him one thing and me another.I stay in regular contact with the nursery my daughter goes to and health visitor and always tell the truth about what's going on at home to which they both say my children are fine and not showing any signs of anything being wrong.
I don't understand how social services can tear my family apart and the just 'close the case' but say if we ever resume a relationship the children will go to child protection straight away without even so much as an assessment??
I feel let down by the courts and social services I'm just an anxious mum who listens to anyone and does as she's told literally by any authority.
The social worker even told me to 'act scared and cry if I can' so I get the orders I was scared of her and being in a courtroom for the first time so obviously that showed.
I think we can work on our relationship living separately and only when we are happy and comfortable resume it properly including moving back to the family home or start a fresh somewhere.
I'm in a state of panic and really do not know what to do my sister is the go between right now and he's willing to do what it takes and so am I.
Our children are happy healthy and have everything they could ever need/want in life we both care and love them deeply but I do not like being dictated to by SS they say about control and DV and that's what they are doing to me surely it's abusive behaviour as THEY say.
I would never let my children get hurt or anything but they say even when they are asleep they hear blah blah blah,surely every couple argues and yes it's gone beyond that but we want help to keep our family not drive a wedge I just feel like a statistic right now and not a woman who just wants her family together.
I accept it's going to be a long road and we both have to be willing I think we are so what can I do any adviadvice??
I will be ringing my solicitor and the social workers supervisor asap to clarify the situation my sister has a child and life of her own he doesn't pose a risk to the children every report says we are good parents we just have the times of hardship and need support that they don't give!!
The only thing they have to go on is me calling the police and him taking them in January he's been charged twice (pleaded guilty) any other incident which is 2 maybe 3 more got NFA!!
They twisted my words and I'm guilty of not reading just signing things making the situation worse they say things I never even said trying to catch us out.
Any advice will be appreciated thanks so much for reading.

good luck op - I have never heard anything bad about the Freedom Programme, everyone I have spoken to who has gone on it says it is really helpful. The problem is when violence/abuse becomes 'normal' and you find it hard to accept when other people are worried.

You might find some other useful information on here - there is some good advice from a mumsnetter who helps women in situations like yours.

www.childprotectionresource.org.uk/if-i-report-domestic-violence-social-services-will-take-my-children/

I know eeyore. Fixed!

You should always answer posts as if there are people in the early stages of the same problem. That way people heading in the same direction get good advice regardless of whatever the OP does in real life.

Isn't the proper procedure to either take on face value or report?

Exactly, Kewcumber. It was good advice, and hopefully will be helpful to someone.

I agree Kewcumber which is why i said the op maybe incredibly muddled.

Well you run the risk of your post being deleted for the wind up comment.

Oo i ' run the risk'..... First time in 10 years of being on mumsnet!

YABVVU

My marriage ended the night DD said 'Daddy, don't hit mummy'.

She was 2 and I was shocked that she understood what was going on. I just didn't want her growing up in an environment where DV was normalised, I needed to protect her.

It's what SS will do if you don't.

Are you poking fun at my phrasing? Its hard to tell. I'm pointing out MN delete accusations of troll, which your comment clearly is. But only if they notice or someone reports it.

I just feel rather cynical now. But gave always thought, as other people have said, that even if original op is dodge there will be someone in similar circumstances who will benefit. I just thought this op could either be very muddled or the other thing. Have never voiced my concerns before and prob won't again!

I don't think that the OP is made-up (otherwise, yes, I'd report it). I'm not convinced by her Damascene conversion.

I think the sudden turnaround is intended to make it look as though she's had a change of heart, when actually she just doesn't want to hear it.

The low self esteem, and desire to please that she's described, mean she can't even just walk away from strangers on the Internet.

I think the anxiety has got the better of her, she's panicked and fled.

I hope ss keep an eye on this family.

Yes, she even had to make things OK for us

Folkgirl Id love you to be wrong but I think you have a point

I used to lie in my bed at night and hear my parents arguing, my dad hitting my mum. Sometimes it even happened right in front of me. It got so bad, I would hide knifes, forks etc. The police were called but back then, social services weren't called out.

I hated my childhood, hated it. Social services haven't tore your family apart, they are there to help. Engage with them, let them help you. I wish social services were there for me and my siblings when I was younger.

Social services aren't the enemy. Your relationship with your partner is your families enemy.

I don't necessarily disbelieve the op. I have been through the same sort of journey.

I kicked my husband out with a heavy heart after he hit me in front of the children and I called the police. Prior to that, I had been very worried about his effect on the children, but kept thinking he could improve, and hoping we could stay together.

I was strongly encouraged to get a non molestation order, but tried to cancel this after a week so that we could communicate about him seeing the children. I soon realised my mistake - the whole thing escalated, and I went back to court to say that the best thing for my children was supervised contact only, and that the non molestation order would give us the space we needed to heal and move on.

Social services have now closed my case, but this is dependent on my assurance that I will not continue in a relationship with my husband, and will leave the non molestation order in place. They have made it clear that if we got back together, they would probably be moving to take the children away.

I was offered a straight choice between my children and my husband. It's a no brainer really, isn't it? However, I do believe that marriage is for life. It was only after doing the freedom programme online that I had my sudden lightbulb moment that we can never be a family again.

My children are much happier and much more settled.

maybe the op has just had her lightbulb moment?

The OP does not read like a battered wife.

The OP reads like both she + partner are both fighting.
There cases exist. Normally its better if the kids go into care, away from both parents.

I really don't get the angst that -gasp! - the op might not be 'real'.

The issues she raises is very, very real - a violent relationship that will harm the children, denial, minimisation, sense of powerlessness etc, etc so any advice given is certainly 'real' and certainly helpful to anyone else in a similar position.

Very much agreeing with those saying the thread's valuable in its own right - and also with Folk's guess. OP already said she's too anxious to please. If you do come back to this thread, kimbo, don't feel there's anything you 'must' say or you have to make us all happy (as if that were possible on Mumsnet! )

It's your space and you can take from it what you find helpful. Leave the rest.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, we are expecting our first child together however social services became involved in September/October (I found out I was pregnant in August) I am due to have our little boy in just under 3 weeks and our family social worker informed me yesterday that I need to leave the family home as they are unsure if our son will be safe from harm if I bring him home, I know for a fact my boyfriend wouldn't hurt our son but social services are saying he's a potential threat because they say he has unprodictable behaviour, can anyone help me? They are basing everything on his mental health but are not giving us time to get everything sorted with the doctors, what should I do?

Move out till everything IS sorted. And you cannot 'know for a fact' - no one can.

You do not kniw anythi g for a fact. Just think why these people are saying it. Put you child before ypu partner.

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