social services tore my family apart

[kimboz2627]

I have been with my (ex)partner 5 and a half years we've had ups and downs like everyone.
I've suffered depression and anxiety I went through ALOT as a child and I suppose I push people to the edge to see if they love me in my eyes (hitting) I have alot of issues and accept I need counselling and help with my anger myself I'm not perfect.
I'm not taking full responsibility for his actions there's no excuse to hurt a woman either.
there have been times I've called the police just to get him out and have a break to gather my own thoughts and feelings,obviously DV flags up and social services get involved they have been on and off since I had my Daughter in 2011,now they said that basically if I don't comply with their rules they will take the children away.
My anxiety has come back full throttle so of course I told him to get his own place.
social service made and I literally mean MADE me get a ex parte non molestation order and a prohibited steps order(he took them in January without my consent) but realised after a week it's not easy being a single parent and soon bought them back.
Social services are basically keeping us apart now and telling him one thing and me another.I stay in regular contact with the nursery my daughter goes to and health visitor and always tell the truth about what's going on at home to which they both say my children are fine and not showing any signs of anything being wrong.
I don't understand how social services can tear my family apart and the just 'close the case' but say if we ever resume a relationship the children will go to child protection straight away without even so much as an assessment??
I feel let down by the courts and social services I'm just an anxious mum who listens to anyone and does as she's told literally by any authority.
The social worker even told me to 'act scared and cry if I can' so I get the orders I was scared of her and being in a courtroom for the first time so obviously that showed.
I think we can work on our relationship living separately and only when we are happy and comfortable resume it properly including moving back to the family home or start a fresh somewhere.
I'm in a state of panic and really do not know what to do my sister is the go between right now and he's willing to do what it takes and so am I.
Our children are happy healthy and have everything they could ever need/want in life we both care and love them deeply but I do not like being dictated to by SS they say about control and DV and that's what they are doing to me surely it's abusive behaviour as THEY say.
I would never let my children get hurt or anything but they say even when they are asleep they hear blah blah blah,surely every couple argues and yes it's gone beyond that but we want help to keep our family not drive a wedge I just feel like a statistic right now and not a woman who just wants her family together.
I accept it's going to be a long road and we both have to be willing I think we are so what can I do any adviadvice??
I will be ringing my solicitor and the social workers supervisor asap to clarify the situation my sister has a child and life of her own he doesn't pose a risk to the children every report says we are good parents we just have the times of hardship and need support that they don't give!!
The only thing they have to go on is me calling the police and him taking them in January he's been charged twice (pleaded guilty) any other incident which is 2 maybe 3 more got NFA!!
They twisted my words and I'm guilty of not reading just signing things making the situation worse they say things I never even said trying to catch us out.
Any advice will be appreciated thanks so much for reading.

@AmandaJ1995 please start your own thread, your post will get lost as people will reply to the OP

Hi There AmandaJ1995, we hope you don't mind us dropping in like this but we just wanted to suggest you start a new thread of your own. It's more likely you'll find specific advice and support that way.

Do drop us a line if you need any help doing so.

My partner unfortunately has been through childhood trauma and it has reflexed on our relationship and sometimes our arguements get heated but never violent!!
but sometimes a bitter side to my partner comes out and she uses the home or treats with police to punish me and has openly admitted that to me to piss me off which in turn has made me say things that are utterly horrible and purely just to have an affect on my partner that normally leads to her saying she didn’t deserve that and once she’s said that I straight away say “it’s not nice is it , I don’t even mean it, so why say things to get a reaction out me and be that way towards someone you love” and it does work and she stops with the bitter and spiteful tongue

but on one this occasion she was mad at me and was horrible and even though I was apologetic she still continued on with this power trip and said I couldn’t come home and that she has claimed I have done x y z of abuse to her to the police and now the social services have told her to leave her home and to leave me or the kids will be taken from her and of course she has listened to them but I DIDNT DO XYZ AND THE POLICE KNOW THIS thankfully
the children are missing me and so is my partner and she is also expecting a third with me we now can’t be together in case of the risk of SS taking the children from her

its heartbreaking to think my partner could go to that extent but it’s more heartbreaking to know the child miss our home and our family and my partner is filled with regret but doesn’t know what to say or do and I’m feeling powerless and frustrated because the Over exaggeration has now caused me to lose my only happiness and purpose in life

I was wondering if there is any way to show the SS that we are a great family and that both me and my partner want to get counselling separately regarding anger and also therapy on other issues we do have regarding past trauma that also may be affecting our communication

or help to understand what steps is needed to get our family under 1 roof and being happy like we normally are

genuinely we are a great as a couple just the ability to see that the arguement isn’t needed to over escalate to the extent that it does is my partners downfall and sometimes my ability to try and reason with her during an argument is my main focus instead of just letting my partner vent and listen to her issue with me

please please help x

You are as bad as him if you cannot see the impact this has on your children.

That you'd put that man and yourself and what you want above your children is pretty fucking despicable.

You see ups and downs. These ups and downs contain violence. SS are taking steps to protect your children from violence.
You say you won’t let your children get hurt. You cannot guarantee that. And protecting children means also protecting them from the effects of seeing and hearing violence.
Children should not live in situations that are frightening.
As pp have suggested, try the Freedom Programme. Ask SS about parenting classes, hearing different angles on situations can make you think differently.

Or you can keep your partner, live together and your children can go into care. You have choices.

@kimboz2627 anyupdates ?

This is a 7 year old thread…

AfamilyThatJuStwants2be2gether you need to start your own thread this one is 7 years old.

Well said @Gilrack

And the OPs choice not to leave.

What the fuck did I just read. Well I imagine with your current attitude if you don’t get back together with that idiot then you will just find another man to abuse you and your children.

The social services are protecting your children because your judgment is clouded. In no way is your and your ex partners situation acceptable.

DV does effect children more than you know,
I agree with social services you should not be together if you're in a toxic relationship.
You should not want that for your children either.
Maybe if he does some courses they may, let him be reintroduced slowly.
But why an earth you would want to be in a relationship like this god only knows.
When you have children they 100% have to come first.
It's a choice between your children and him, I know which one I'd choose.
Also social services haven't torn your family apart, you both have done this by not being able to live a life without trauma, which children don't need in their lives and by not making the right choices.
So social services have to make them for you for the sake of your children. X

Zombie thread!

This thread is from 2015.

You clearly won't protect your children from the chaos and terror that they are exposed to when you and this man live together, so hats off to social services for what they are doing here.

oh silly me. I don’t know why so many of these necro threads have started showing up in the trending section! I guess I’m have to be more vigilant of the dates!

ZOMBIE THREAD! ZOMBIE THREAD! ZOMBIE THREAD!

Start a new thread. Don't resurrect one from 7 years ago.

The risk isn’t that your partner is violent to your children. The risk is that your children grow up in a household where violence is normalised and they see their mother accepting and minimising it.

The fact that your so hell bent on getting back together with this man is very worrying and demonstrates that you are not putting the welfare of your children first.

I hope SS keep a close eye on your kids once the non molestation order expires because it sounds like things will unravel quickly for them.

Good luck, I hope you do make a change and come back and update.

You do need to take responsibility. You aren't the abused child anymore, you're the adult and you're putting your kids at risk being in an abusive environment.

I grew up like this. My mum was also abused as a child so thought the abuse 'wasn't that bad,' social services was making life difficult for no reason etc.

As an adult my siblings and I all have c-PTSD, disordered attachment (no ability to have relationships), one of my siblings is an alcoholic and another has severe anxiety to the point they can't leave the house.

You don't want that for your kids. It is a 'big deal' and it can ruin their lives. Break the cycle.

I think you need to read some of Larkin's famous lines.

@AfamilyThatJuStwants2be2gether
please start a new thread. I can only say that however difficult it may be, try to engage with social services. Be honest. Ask for support. Keep talking.
All the best and start a new thread for more advice!

This is why SS step in because women are putting their partner before their children.

phoning the police to get a break from him is not normal for a relationship. Don’t be fooled that your children have everything they need. This will be affecting them!

Social services have told my Mrs that she cannot be with me or they will take the children from her but she is also pregnant with our third
unfortunately we have had 3 or 4 arguments that have lead to my Mrs calling the police but the bad bit is that she is telling the police a version of events that doesn’t take place
which includes violence or domestic abuse behind close doors
and then I get arrested and she has openly admitted to doing it to punish me for not backing down

the most recent time the social have told her she will have her kids taken off her how do I or her go about explaining to the social the factual side of the story so that we can be reunited

I am aware my partner has to go to anger management to learn how to stop escalating or turning spiteful and cruel which sometimes can make me reach with just an as spiteful tongue
so also couples therapy is definitely going to happen also
the kids miss home and so does my partner and so I do
the police have not pressed charges as I actually haven’t done what has been accused

do you guys think my partner should come clean about being in the wrong and that we both will work with the social to get our family back together