social services tore my family apart

[kimboz2627]

I have been with my (ex)partner 5 and a half years we've had ups and downs like everyone.
I've suffered depression and anxiety I went through ALOT as a child and I suppose I push people to the edge to see if they love me in my eyes (hitting) I have alot of issues and accept I need counselling and help with my anger myself I'm not perfect.
I'm not taking full responsibility for his actions there's no excuse to hurt a woman either.
there have been times I've called the police just to get him out and have a break to gather my own thoughts and feelings,obviously DV flags up and social services get involved they have been on and off since I had my Daughter in 2011,now they said that basically if I don't comply with their rules they will take the children away.
My anxiety has come back full throttle so of course I told him to get his own place.
social service made and I literally mean MADE me get a ex parte non molestation order and a prohibited steps order(he took them in January without my consent) but realised after a week it's not easy being a single parent and soon bought them back.
Social services are basically keeping us apart now and telling him one thing and me another.I stay in regular contact with the nursery my daughter goes to and health visitor and always tell the truth about what's going on at home to which they both say my children are fine and not showing any signs of anything being wrong.
I don't understand how social services can tear my family apart and the just 'close the case' but say if we ever resume a relationship the children will go to child protection straight away without even so much as an assessment??
I feel let down by the courts and social services I'm just an anxious mum who listens to anyone and does as she's told literally by any authority.
The social worker even told me to 'act scared and cry if I can' so I get the orders I was scared of her and being in a courtroom for the first time so obviously that showed.
I think we can work on our relationship living separately and only when we are happy and comfortable resume it properly including moving back to the family home or start a fresh somewhere.
I'm in a state of panic and really do not know what to do my sister is the go between right now and he's willing to do what it takes and so am I.
Our children are happy healthy and have everything they could ever need/want in life we both care and love them deeply but I do not like being dictated to by SS they say about control and DV and that's what they are doing to me surely it's abusive behaviour as THEY say.
I would never let my children get hurt or anything but they say even when they are asleep they hear blah blah blah,surely every couple argues and yes it's gone beyond that but we want help to keep our family not drive a wedge I just feel like a statistic right now and not a woman who just wants her family together.
I accept it's going to be a long road and we both have to be willing I think we are so what can I do any adviadvice??
I will be ringing my solicitor and the social workers supervisor asap to clarify the situation my sister has a child and life of her own he doesn't pose a risk to the children every report says we are good parents we just have the times of hardship and need support that they don't give!!
The only thing they have to go on is me calling the police and him taking them in January he's been charged twice (pleaded guilty) any other incident which is 2 maybe 3 more got NFA!!
They twisted my words and I'm guilty of not reading just signing things making the situation worse they say things I never even said trying to catch us out.
Any advice will be appreciated thanks so much for reading.

But the children were being hurt, maybe not physically, but psychologically. And that is long lasting and can have negative impacts on their adult lives.
I know this is a personal question but have the children been subject to any sort of plan as a result of this? Child in need? Child protection, anything like that?
It's usually outlined that when these things are stepped down that any further escalation will result in a serious outcome. It's not social services being horrible, honestly, they are working within the child protection framework.

You need to focus on yourself and the children, access services and counselling, this time next year you could feel like a different woman.

Social services have not destroyed your family..

Your relationship has, from your post i took that you have both been violent.

How can you for a minute think this is a good environment for a child to be around?

Your post is very self indulgent and doesn't come across that you realise the effects a violent and abusive home can have on a child.

To be perfectly honest, i think you should be very grateful social services let you keep your children and stopped at separating you and your ex.

Social services aren't doing this to make your life miserable. They are doing it because they see a need to step in and protect your children. The thing about domestic violence is that it is, and absolutely should be black and white. Children should not be exposed to it in any way, shape or form. Even if they don't see it, they see the affect it has on you.

Oh dear op, I'm very sorry this has happened.

As a child of a father who was an alcoholic and very violent (though not really to me, and especially not when I was younger), I can say that witnessing the domestic violence, hearing my dad hit my mum in the middle of the night when I was supposedly 'asleep' has had a very devastating impact on me and my 4 siblings. And the impact isn't just when you're a child. In my 20s I was just glad that I escaped, but having kids in my 30s brought it all back. Seeing my beautiful, innocent children, and knowing what I had experienced, how could anyone expose a child to that?

I've seen my dad beat up my Mum til she was unconscious, I was hysterical, I thought he had killed her. He still kicked her then tipped cold water all over. I was about 6. I can never forget it. He hit her when she was pregnant also.

As we got older, my dad hit me occasionally, head butting was his choice, because he couldn't control his rage. He hit my brothers though, and at one point my brothers got stronger and they hit back. All in all, not a good life experience.

Yôu may think it is 'ok' now, but it seriously isn't. I cannot tell you how fucked up I, and my siblings are. We've made stupid life choices, have no self-esteem - 4 of five of us have gone on to have serious mental health issues. I'm the only one to have had kids, we are all in our 30s and 40s.

Don't underestimate the impact that dv has on a child, even if they are not being 'directly' abused.

When it comes to children it needs to be black and white. Children need to be protected from the emotional damage caused by living in an abusive household.

He and you ARE hurting your children though
Domestic abuse would be simple if it was just hitting, no one is suggesting he is going to batter the children.
But you are hurting them by allowing them to daily witness and absorb how an abusive relationship functions. You cannot tell me that the relationship goes from happy, relaxed, everyone free to express their opions and have their needs met, to POW police through the door. There are everyday steps that lead up to the moment when your partner is removed, and THOSE steps, the witnessing of how you two interact, are being absorbed and taken on board as what a relationship should look like by your children.

A little like how a ducking 'imprints' on the first thing it sees and follows it around believing it to be its mother. A child will understand what a relationship should be, take on ideas about the roles of men and women, about whether their needs are important or pushed to the bottom of the pile, by just living in the family. During their formative years they dont have any other reference - they only know their own home - so if that home tends to violence, or there is control, or coercion, or name calling, or game playing, or tit for tatt-ing, or women being talked down to, or men out drinking, or lies and betrayal, anything which is unhealthy in a normal relationship, they will take that on as normal and healthy.

So, he may not 'hurt' his children, but he sure as hell is damaging them.

Which is why they are offering you the choice to learn how to set healthy patterns to mimic to your children. Or they will place them with a family who does.

It all boils down to the nitty gritty... You don't have the right to think of yourself and your own needs anymore. Your kids deserve a calm life so you have to choose and that's the top and bottom of it.

I've known woman who choose the man and give up their kids and I've known ones who choose their kids.

You need to make that choice... What you want doesn't matter nor is important anymore and the sooner you accept that the better for all of you.

And the therapy you will need is going to take well over a year.

And for men it is often far far longer IF he was even willing to do it. Society is so skewed to the male that it is very hard for abusive men who are benefiting from the power to throw off the shackles of 'masculinity' and humble themselves to take on board the stuff they need to.

sorry for those who feel thats too much of a generalisation.

Please get counselling - as everyone else says children suffer from being in a household with dv. Ss have done the right thing. Being around dv also leads to skewed views of relationships and you are setting your children a bad example.
Your anxiety should be about safe guarding your children.
It is black and white. You're children come first.

I came here for support
Which you're not going to get in trying to resume a violent relationship and put your children's needs last for the sake of your "lifestyle choice"

I do put my children first hence taking the steps to ensure all our safety.

In your OP you said social service made and I literally mean MADE me get a ex parte non molestation order

Yeah, I'm not really seeing you putting the children first unless the authorities are twisting your arm.

You clearly intend to resume the relationship as quickly as you can - you need to get your head out of your arse the sand and start realisting SS are acting in your children's interest. You know, your children? The ones you gave birth to and are responsible for? Who have been damaged by witnessing an abusive relationship? The ones who don't get to make a "lifestyle choice"?

All these posts about you and your fears and your poor put-upon boyfriend, not a word about how your children are.

Sadly the truth is that while you as an adult do indeed have the choice to remain in a violent relationship if you want to for whatever reason you do not have the right to force that choice on children and yes social services will do what they can to prevent children suffering. Particularly if the parents for whatever reason are unwilling or unable to give the children a safe, calm, nurturing environment.
Children are never ever guided towards a happy and healthy adulthood by growing up in a home with dba. They are always damaged by it.
I sincerely hope that it is your choice to get help to understand that you are suffering here and get support. But if that's not what you want then as an adult you have that choice. You have a voice.
Your children have neither and that is why as are trying to help them. And you. If you could only see it.
I hope one day you can and you have a happy future. x

It is clear that you still DO NOT understand what they are trying to achieve.

^ this x 100

You are stressing about what SS will do if/when you get back with your abusive partner and are totally not listening to everyone who is saying that counselling is not recommended with an abusive partner and your children deserve to grow up in a calm environment. You are minimising the effect of DV on your children.

I'm glad you have been able so far to put your children first and comply with SS recommendations. Please keep this up and focus on building a calm and stable family with you and the children. You may need counselling yourself to equip yourself with the self-esteem that you seem to badly need which will only benefit your children.

What bollocks, social services did not break your family apart, you and your partner did when you kept together this toxic relationship and kept hitting/arguing with each other. What do you want people to say?

Oh sorry Hun that's so awful, they want to protect your children and won't let you and your partner be together. Hey hitting each other is all part of the ups and downs of a normal relationship

The fact is you have to choose, it's your kids or your man. They rightly won't put your kids back in a domestic violence situation so you have to realise your partnership is gone.

It's not as if they didn't give you the chance to change as a couple, they have been involved since 2011. You kept arguing, kept hitting each, kept having police involved and this is the result.

you sound v damaged OP - and your kids will be just as damaged into adulthood if they grow up in an abusive household. I am astounded you cannot see that.

You don't seem to have the faintest insight into why SS has taken the steps it did, OP. Can you not see the line of causation between your own anxious, difficult childhood (what was going on to cause that?) and the fact that you became a violent adult who entered a relationship with another violent adult despite having children that you strenuously maintain aren't at psychological or physical risk from this relationship, despite all evidence? I think you urgently need counselling with a professional who can help you tease out links you are unwilling or unable to understand yourself, and to take responsibility for your situation, not blame SS.

'I'm not having any contact right now but don't appreciate being dictated to.
I'm not saying in a year after I've done courses I will either want him and vice versa but I am expressing my anxiety about social services.'

That's too bad. You are perfectly at liberty to give you custody of your children to SS and resume your relationship with your violent partner, but the authorities have decided, quite rightly, that your children have the right not to live in a home with DV.

Your anxiety is misdirected at the wrong target and this is why SS has an obligation to be involved.

'Normal ups and downs' don't include police involvement and violence.

Oh, sweetheart :( Social Services are ripping your family apart because your family is bad for your children. Believe me, I know what it's like to feel that big rows are normal and anyone can choose to improve. Thing is, nobody made this choice while you were together and your children were being exposed to frightening arguments. By separating you, SS are giving you the best possible chance to develop a calmer & more rational way of living. The fact that DC are doing so well shows it's working - well done you!

They're also giving him a chance to improve by removing him from the triggers that set him off in a family environment. Experience says violent men often don't change, but he's got that chance now. If he does the work, it will take a long time - years, not months. Meanwhile, your children are living in a safer & more supportive environment with you.

Somebody mentioned the Freedom Programme upthread. Please do it. It's best if you can find one you can go to, rather than do it online. Your support worker may be able to help you organise it. Good luck

As all others have said above. It's not about you and your wants, or your partner and his wants its about your DC's. They should be your priority, their needs and wants and their happiness and to live in peace without violence and anger and shouting, to have a childhood free to be children without worrying about their parents being hurt and police in the house.

I say this from my own personal experience and I have done it and done it alone.

'Normal ups and downs' don't include police involvement and violence.

Quite.

I've had my share of arguments over the years. Never once have the police been called. Do you realise that isn't "normal" OP?

don't appreciate being dictated to - they aren't dictating to you. You are entitled to be as idiotic as you like in your relationships. SS are equally entitled to act in the best interests of your children if you aren't doing so. Your children aren't a possession that you can treat however you like with impunity.

You have every right to resume relationship with this man if that is what you want.

SS are simply making it clear to you that you and your ex do not have the right to subject your children to a childhood of domestic abuse and violence.

That you still cannot recognise that SS have been involved on and off for 4 years now and are looking out for your DC and think they are forcing you to take this action shows you are not able to see what damage is being done to them.

As for them not hearing as they are asleep. I used to hear my step father raping my mother as a child when I was supposed to be asleep. Despite her trying to be quiet.

It fucks kids up.

SS are trying to protect the most vulnerable in this family. The DC.

Social services did not tear your family apart. Your family blew itself up, and social services are doing their job, and doing it well from the sounds of it.
Your absolute first step should be accepting that fact and building from there, if you have any hope of keeping your children with you.

I feel for you OP, your view of the world is terribly skewed. A police record, and calling the police during arguments is BAD BAD BAD and not at all normal and certain not the kind of place a child should be, even if you think they sleep through it.

OP I can imagine these responses are very hard to read. But can you understand? You have a choice - to prioritise your relationship or your children. You can't have both, because over several years you have demonstrated that is not a safe environment for them.

'I came here for support many families go through this and I do put my children first hence taking the steps to ensure all our safety.

How exactly have you done that? You said they made you take out an order, not that you felt in was the right thing to do!

'I think it's sick to even suggest he'd ever hurt the children where is you reasoning behind that.'

Abusers abuse. Full stop. Don't kid yourself. What happens if they talk back to him when they are older or wind him up?

'Seriously people need to realise the world isn't so black and white.'

With children it has to be. End of.

'I understand we both have issues separately and won't be thinking about resuming any kind of relationship with him until 1.the orders are up and 2.we both seeked helped for our separate issues but people CAN change or are we all destined to be miserable sods forever.'

So whilst your being in danger of being caught out by SS you won't do anything but once that's up its back to what you want. You are not putting your children first!

Sorry but the second part is BS.

'I'm not having any contact right now but don't appreciate being dictated to.'

Back to what you want!

'I'm not saying in a year after I've done courses I will either want him and vice versa but I am expressing my anxiety about social services.'

No anxiety about how the children are coping then!?

Nothing in any of your posts considers the feelings of the children. It's all about they don't have any evidence, YOU being dictated to, YOU making choices, YOU looking for sympathy. Have you stopped to consider how they might be actually feeling? This isn't about YOU. Thank goodness SS have stepped in and are actually keeping an eye on the situation. This actually restores my faith in them.

I had sympathy at the beginning but based on your later posts I think this is the best outcome quite frankly.

I have been married for 16 years.
We have had "ups and downs"
Bereavement, redundancies, Ill health, money worries.
That's what ups and downs are.
Domestic violence is NOT ups and downs.
SS are protecting your children because you wont.