social services tore my family apart

[kimboz2627]

I have been with my (ex)partner 5 and a half years we've had ups and downs like everyone.
I've suffered depression and anxiety I went through ALOT as a child and I suppose I push people to the edge to see if they love me in my eyes (hitting) I have alot of issues and accept I need counselling and help with my anger myself I'm not perfect.
I'm not taking full responsibility for his actions there's no excuse to hurt a woman either.
there have been times I've called the police just to get him out and have a break to gather my own thoughts and feelings,obviously DV flags up and social services get involved they have been on and off since I had my Daughter in 2011,now they said that basically if I don't comply with their rules they will take the children away.
My anxiety has come back full throttle so of course I told him to get his own place.
social service made and I literally mean MADE me get a ex parte non molestation order and a prohibited steps order(he took them in January without my consent) but realised after a week it's not easy being a single parent and soon bought them back.
Social services are basically keeping us apart now and telling him one thing and me another.I stay in regular contact with the nursery my daughter goes to and health visitor and always tell the truth about what's going on at home to which they both say my children are fine and not showing any signs of anything being wrong.
I don't understand how social services can tear my family apart and the just 'close the case' but say if we ever resume a relationship the children will go to child protection straight away without even so much as an assessment??
I feel let down by the courts and social services I'm just an anxious mum who listens to anyone and does as she's told literally by any authority.
The social worker even told me to 'act scared and cry if I can' so I get the orders I was scared of her and being in a courtroom for the first time so obviously that showed.
I think we can work on our relationship living separately and only when we are happy and comfortable resume it properly including moving back to the family home or start a fresh somewhere.
I'm in a state of panic and really do not know what to do my sister is the go between right now and he's willing to do what it takes and so am I.
Our children are happy healthy and have everything they could ever need/want in life we both care and love them deeply but I do not like being dictated to by SS they say about control and DV and that's what they are doing to me surely it's abusive behaviour as THEY say.
I would never let my children get hurt or anything but they say even when they are asleep they hear blah blah blah,surely every couple argues and yes it's gone beyond that but we want help to keep our family not drive a wedge I just feel like a statistic right now and not a woman who just wants her family together.
I accept it's going to be a long road and we both have to be willing I think we are so what can I do any adviadvice??
I will be ringing my solicitor and the social workers supervisor asap to clarify the situation my sister has a child and life of her own he doesn't pose a risk to the children every report says we are good parents we just have the times of hardship and need support that they don't give!!
The only thing they have to go on is me calling the police and him taking them in January he's been charged twice (pleaded guilty) any other incident which is 2 maybe 3 more got NFA!!
They twisted my words and I'm guilty of not reading just signing things making the situation worse they say things I never even said trying to catch us out.
Any advice will be appreciated thanks so much for reading.

Were they on a plan? Did it ever go to case conference? Because if they were and the actions that have been put into place (non mol etc) have meant it has been stepped down, then social services will always be very clear that there is no messing - no on and off plans willy nilly, despite what the Daily Mail report.
If the situation escalates, protective factors are broken down then yes it goes straight to court proceedings, because people have had a chance to make changes, toed the party line and then backtracked. They can't give countless chances.
They have the best interests of your children at the centre of things, an abusive home is not an appropriate environment for children to grow and thrive.

I understand feeling very angry, upset and anxious about this. It's called defending, in that your understanding of how the world is has been called into question. It's incredibly disrupting and frightening. Sometimes you just have to buckle down and go along with it, trusting that it'll work out.

People who grew up in normal families don't quite get this, but perhaps they could if they imagined they were sent to live in a place where everything they knew about relationships was turned on its head; if SS took over when families were not violent and cataclysmic? Actually, they'll probably never be able to get it - and lucky them!

Meanwhile, kimbo, just focus on how well your kids are doing. Go to as much therapy as you can get, do the Freedom Programme, and look around you at the calm families. You will get there, I promise.

You don't seem to understand that 'hurting the children' isn't just your partner hitting them

Them seeing you hit each other is hurting them
Them living in an atmosphere of tension and fear is hurting them.

I would argue that a few years of living in a chaotic environment like that does Just as much, if not more, damage than if he did actually hit them. You don't seem to see this, only the impact on you.

You need to understand WHY social services are doing what they are doing. They are trying to protect your children, from your partner, but frankly, from you as well.

Take a long hard look at your relationship with this man and your relationship with your kids. Nothing in your posts has considered their right to grow up in a safe environment, only your feelings. Well, social services don't care about your feelings. They care about your kids. Your kids can't live independently yet, they have to be protected from him. And if you keep on going back to him, the kids need to be protected from you too.

We all argue, we all have our ups and downs. That's normal life. To get to the point the police are involved is not normal. You think it's normal and why is that? Because you grew up like that. History is repeating itself for your kids. Either you break the cycle or social services will.

SS have said your children cannot live with your partner. They have the authority to say so, whether you or any one of us agrees or not. So the only decision you have to take is between living with them, or living with them. It will be very hard for any mother posting here - and most of us are mothers - to understand why you would not choose them.

That doesn't mean we think being a single parent is easy or that we want you to be single forever. If you are able to do the Freedom Programme you might have the courage and confidence to find a partner with whom you can disagree without worrying who overhears, without choosing your makeup based on the colour of your black eye, etc. You haven't met him yet, or perhaps you have. He will listen to your opinions and make you laugh.

Thank you all so much I have hit reality now it's been hard but thanks
My children are my world and I will do anything to ensure they stay with me you all speak sence it's been a slap in the face but your right.
Sorry for the way I worded it it even looks stupid reading it back it's a mess the kids are all that matter and their mummy and daddy being separate and happy is better than the alternative.

Just for the avoidance of confusion here, nobody will have meant to imply it's wrong to call the police if you feel threatened. It is absolutely right to call the police for that, it's one of the main things they're for. What is wrong is the situation arising where they need to be called. So if anyone reading this is thinking "oh dear, better not call the police otherwise SS will butt in and it will all get worse," no, for goodness' sake make that call! If you end up too badly injured to take care of your kids they will be a lot worse off. Or if a neighbour or the school calls them and it turns out you've been covering things up, that will not go well either (although a lot better than you being hurt, obviously).

Can I just clarify social services have said he doesn't pose a risk at all to the children he's allowed to see them and they said it's at my desertion as they are closing the case I have to stick to my solicitor now and will do.

Please do the Freedom Programme so you don't wind up with another abusive partner due to not wanting to be single.

Cross-posted with your update - well said. Clearly SS are satisfied that you are a good mother and you have every chance of breaking the unhealthy family cycle you grew up in. Good luck to you all.

Good for you op, you've great great advice above. Please take it.

Fwiw, I still actually hold a huge grudge against my mum for remaining with my dad. I know she was the victim and she tried to get out and my grandmother told her not to, but my childhood was so very shit, and she should have protected me. Eventually gambled and s always taking my money, it forever affected our relationship, but she doesn't get that.

I hate feeling that way about my Mum, but it is self-preservation for me. I know others will feel sorry for my Mum, I hope they do, but it's all too hard for me. This is the impact of a child witnessing dv....

Good post Gilrack

I do want to be single as you can see I have my own issues I'm going to do the freedom programme that's already been suggested which I promise I will for myself and my children.
I'm going to enjoy my children and my life because let's face it they don't stay young forever and on that note I'm signing off for big hugs and kisses.
Thank you all I mean really thank you I thought I could change the man I love because he's never hurt a woman before I blame myself alot but like you all said I have no self belief I'm better than that I'm better than this I have beautiful children who need a happy healthy mummy physically and mentally he's not worth loosing them no one is xx

Good luck Kimboz. You can do it. x

I risk assess domeatic violence cases every day and I can tell you that often there are no concerns re the abuser assaulting the children if he is alone with them. The risks are emotional harm from exposure to dv between parents and physical harm if a child tries to intervene to protect their mum. So him seeing the kids without you may well be fine, just not with you x

Thank you gilrack your the only one that hasn't been harsh but the harsh words are appreciated seems I needed to grow up and act like a parent instead of a broken hearted child.

I take my hat off to you OP.

Good luck to you. Hope it all works out.

Goodbye all I will check in when I can
Your right I CAN DO IT
Watch this space
My babies need me xx

this is my life choice please do not judge me

I'm afraid I will judge you. This life choice of yours will affect your children for life. As someone who grew up in a violent home, I can tell you that for sure. By all means, if you want to spend your life with a violent tossbag, do so, but don't inflict it on your children.

Please DO come back with updates! It might be harsh but it's very well intentioned. x

Love your updates, kimbo :) Yes, you can and you will! I hope you'll post back.

I take my hat off to you OP.

Another one here!
Just wanted to add that, in the end our own wellbeing is so tied up with the wellbeing of our children. Having seen how a mother suffers when her teenagers or adult children go off the rails, I wouldn't want that for my worst enemy.

Good for you kimbo - sincerely wish you and your children the best for the future. I think it can be very difficult at times to see past the need to keep things going as they are. Change is scary. But necessary and healthy.

Good luck kimbo

You are right, your children do need you and I'm sure you can provide what they need if you put your energy into that.

I wish you all well

As a hv I would be very worried about your situation. Someone who has been involved in an abusive relationship however and more than likely an abusive family growing up does fail to see the blindingly obvious and how damaging their way of life is.
I echo everyone saying about the freedom programme. It will totally change your way of thinking and until that happens you will never have that lightbulb moment where you think 'omg what the hell was I thinking'
Good luck

Well that was an abrupt about face by the OP