DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Jan I'm not generally treated like crap, THIS is def. I'm not using the kids if you read the thread I said I may leave but I'm not kicking him out while I reflect on what to do.

Yes more fool me.

I think the problem is that the sex industry has become so legitimised and so main stream now that yes, a non thinking, unwitting person (usually young) might not be aware of the implications.

Recently the American films and comedy shows I have seen all seem to have lapdancing, strippers, all par for the course. It's a strong message.

It's shit and it's disappointing and heartbreaking. However I don't think it would be the end of a marriage for me.

Sorry yfi, I shouldn't take it out on you, I am just sick of reading:

if it wasn't for the kids, I'd leave him..........

Granted I have not read the whole thread so I do apologise.

Sorry, why not kick him out while you reflect on what to do, surely that would benefit you.

So he fucks up and somehow the OP is too blame for being confused and upset as to whether she should continue her marriage ?

Nice.

How about allowing her space to process her thoughts about a massive betrayal ? How about supporting her through the horrible realisation that her husband has fundamentally flawed views on women including her ?

OP - If it were me, whilst I am not sure I could get past it, I imagine that I would take a few days to get my thoughts/plan together. I could imagine doing nothing to spare the children for a short time while I decided what I was going to do. Nothing wrong with going along with whatever you think is right for you and the children right now.

You are not a mug, you are not saying "there there dear it will all be fine", you must be completely shell shocked.

FWIW I did see people I worked with taken along for the ride by colleagues who did the sleazy clubs/lap dancing thing all the time. Not necessarily people who would 'plan' to go, 'get carried away' or even thoroughly enjoy the goings on. Just not man enough to stand up to the big wig who thought it was the thing to do at that particular time. Not saying that is the case here, just my observations over the years.

Whoooaaa there Jan45

....give the OP a break, she's still processing the shock of it all & is quite rightly thinking long & hard about her options. Hardly doing FA I think you'll find!

I think the beating he took will be enough to put him off these kind of shenanigans for life, so you can probably trust him there!

Personally I think it is pretty much human nature for men to ignore the exploitation of the sex industry when in a lap dancing bar; we have all read articles about the slave labour involved in making an iphone, but most of us have an iphone... We know that people are exploited picking asparagus and blueberries and fishing for Thai prawns, but we choose to ignore it. Our society is built on exploitation of others. It's easier to buy some fair traid coffee and set up a direct debit for a couple of charities then get on with ignoring the fact that children are exploited everyday to make our clothes.

Maybe the men you know Charley...

What sexist tosh.

Op sorry you're having to deal with this.
I can't say if this would be a deal breaker for me... I just don't know.
Everything you've said about how your husband is I could say of mine. Generally a nice guy, a good father and I really do love him.
From what I've read you don't know all the details/facts.
What I would do is sit tight until I knew as much as I possibly could. I wouldn't give him a decision either way for quite some time.
Check his story over and over & let him know that you want straight answers.
Make sure he knows exactly how he's made you feel, disappointed, disgusted.
Get your finances in order and all relevant information you might need if you do decide in the end you can't move on from this.
Make it clear to him that him saying sorry is not going to make this go away. Yes, he will pay for this mistake over and over until you finally learn to live with it.
That you cannot trust him for the forseeable future and that he's going to have to learn to live with that, and do what ever it takes to win your trust back.
Then take your time, see a counselor if you need to to make up your mind.
Good luck

Whilst I have principles, I would have to fully believe in my heart that my DH was literally rubbing his hands together and getting a kick out of the exploitation rather than the titillation to actually leave him for it.

I'd be horrified if this was my DH though - it would be very out of character for the person I know him to be, which I can see is what you're struggling with too.

Theoretically, I would clearly set my boundaries down in front of him and tell him it will take a long time and a lot of understanding to trust him after this. I would also tell him that if he broke my trust again, by lying or omission, he would be leaving for good. One chance I can do, it's in my nature, but two chances would make me a mug, and that is something I am not.

It's a very personal thing though, you know him best, OP. Is he rotten to the core or just a dickhead who's fucked up? If it's the latter, then after I'd asked him to leave for a bit and steadied my own thoughts, I think I'd come to the conclusion that we all fuck up sometimes, I know I have, even though he's really gone for gold.

OP, I am reacting to some of the shit written on this thread, none of it by you.

Oh ffs chill out. Of course you're not going to divorce him. Your husband was attacked. Yes the situation is not the best and sex industry debate apart, of course he's feeling shit. Can you find a tiny bit of empathy in you so that you put your insecurities and narcissistic attitude aside and support him?

I'm not defending it and actually I don't know any men who go to lapdancing bars etc.
I'm just saying that people often do thoughtless things and don't immediately think 'exploitation' every time they do something (not talking about paying for sex, but the less, I dunno, dramatic, parts of that industry, such as hostessing or stripping).

Hello You are fucking joking arent you Her husband uses the sex industry and SHES a narcissist WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We seem to have slammed into reverse gear right back into the Benny Hill era.

Support him??? To lie and

The bottom line is that he went to a sex shop, he lied ( numerous times) and he put you all at risk

If he hadn't been attacked you would never have found out, how many other times of you think this has happened ?

elo, I would expect op to make this "all about her" because her H has lied and massively disrespected her

how she reacts is not "narcissistic" it is her reaction to own...her has his own thoughts on the matter and they are the thoughts and actions of a liar and a casual objectifier of women

his actions are no reflection on OP

and right on cue, comes another shower of shit by helloelo

And I can tell you right now , if it was Singapore his whole story is bullshit

Do what you think is right. You don't have to listen to anyone on here - they'll never know the outcome anyway. Personally I would consider giving him a second chance - although it goes without saying I'd be as devastated, furious and incredulous as you sound. I don't think anything he has done is acceptable - the lying, the sneaking off to a sex a bar, being stupid enough to get himself drugged or mugged or whatever. To be honest I wouldn't have been happy going on holiday to a country where that kind of thing is considered a tourist attraction in the first place. Only you know if your marriage deserves a second chance reading your post of 16.40 it sounds like you think it might.

My post was another way of saying what marmalady said.