DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

you As I tried to articulate earlier (not very well)

In my experience 90% of blokes go along (to lap dancing bars) to look, out of some sort of morbid fascination. They don't equate it to the "sex" industry. Lots of clubs men and women are there together.

I am sure he is both mortified by what happened and remorseful.

How very sad OP . The whole thing, I have no advice, but reckon counselling is a good place to start whether that is alone or together.

I don't know about counselling unless there are other issues but he needs to wake up.

Would he be happy if you went out and stripped and gave a dance (or whatever he got) to some fella - just because your friend was marrying?

Would he be happy if you went out and started putting your arm around single men?

Would he like you to spend family money on getting off on economically disadvantaged boys?

Unlikely. What makes him so special that he's done this several(?) times?

He's said he didn't really think of it as the sex industry (!) as no one was actually having sex (I do realise that sounds stupid), but the dances were more about a bit of titillation.

She he's still lying to you and treating you like an idiot then?

He has lied to your throughout your entire marriage about the type of man he is.

He thought it was his right to regularly buy sexual services from women, even though he knew well your feelings on the matter.

He's a disgusting, sleazy scumbag who treats women (including you) like pieces of shit who deserve zero respect.

Everything you thought you knew about him was based on a deception.

The man you thought you loved never existed.

All along he's been sneaking off to pay for women to degrade themselves so he can get an erection.

Come on! He was out touching up women on the night he was supposedly scammed.

Eventually your brain will catch up to your new reality.

I'm so sorry this bastard tricked you so fundamentally for so long.

Do you think you would stay with him if you didn't have children? Or if this had happened before you got married would you have married him?

I only ask because If you want to work through it because you love him and want to forgive him then that's one thing, but staying for the children won't change your feelings

I'm so sorry this happened

I'm sorry to hear all this OP. Men and women are completely different species sometimes (don't flame me please- I won't respond). He's been a complete and utter twat but I think you want to forgive him - this time...
How old is he? I don't know if there is any way back from this but I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

Singapore? Orchard towers?

Bathtime believe it or not I'm not a fool - I've worked with many supposedly nice men that have done similar. I realise this is a new dawn.

However if I contrast your comments to DrMorbis then that's why I'm in a spin. I KNOW both takes on this are possible. I want to hope he's just a fool, but the facts are not stacking up very well.

Riding If there were no DC I'd kick him out now. But would I consider getting back with him? That I don't know. Could he ever redeem himself?
I haven't kicked him out because it would be very hard on them. I feel like I want to be certain of the outcome before I turn their world upside down.

derxa yes I suppose I do want to. I feel like a fool for wanting to though.

He's old enough to know better he's not 15! (although I'd hope any 15 DS of mine would know better). Perhaps I should blame the parents!

I would also be disgusted by this behaviour but I am not sure that I would throw away a marriage because of it; I would

Haul him over the coals
Make him get an STD check
Separate rooms for a while
Be liberal with your disgust and let him know any inkling of this happening again and he's out
Move on

Why did he lie about being mugged at a sports bar?

DrMorbius believes the same thing that I do - that men like this don't think women are humans, but have the same status as animals.

Where we differ is that he thinks that is an understandable error any person (man) could make.

And I think that people (men) who think like this are fundamentally hateful.

If you just found out he had always thought black people were subhuman, and acted on those beliefs, would you think that was just a bit of silliness?

"I haven't kicked him out because it would be very hard on them"

(and you as well).

Staying for the children rarely works out at all well and in the meantime your own resentment towards him for putting you in such a position in the first place further rises.

Your children cannot and should not be used as glue to bind you and he together. Their relationship with him and your relationship with your H are two very different and separate things. They will undoubtedly pick up on the negative and unspoken vibes you show towards their dad and perhaps will wonder what is wrong. Even worse, they may blame themselves.

We throw litter away, not marriages. Too many people get caught up in the "sunken costs fallacy" when it comes to relationships and that causes people to make poor relationship decisions. People can say things like,"I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself. What is also forgotten as well is that the damage here has already been done.

He may well be begging for his life right now but is he really remorseful?. Forget his words for a second, what actions has he taken to properly address his choices and failings here as a result of this?. He after all acted on his own free will to go to this area at all as did his friend.

The lies and being treated like an idiot will kill your relationship as sure as any proof that he went to a red light district with intent.

I suspected my XH was sleeping with prostitutes (in the UK). I ended up HATING myself for still being with him (no proof and we had a child, blah blah blah...)

Every small thing he did that annoyed me, every slightly selfish act - I was pushed into a horrible level of disgust and anger.

I hated him for treating me like a fool. But that was projection - truly I was angry at myself for letting him treat me that way, for being a fool.

I found proof eventually. And of course he's using prostitutes behind his new girlfriend's back too. You'd think he was the sweet decent type too.

Honestly OP, even if this Asia incident had never happened... Your husband has paid for lap dances.
Your HUSBAND has paid for women to titillate him.
That's cheating, that's disgusting, and that's enough to end a marriage.

And I don't even mean that it's enough for you to decide to end it... Though it is. It's enough that his actions have already poisoned your marriage.

In answer to your question, OP, what do I do the answer is you kick him out and start divorce proceedings.

Despite an undeserved reputation as a man hater on here, I do try to merit them with a modicum common sense and emotional maturity

and then some of them come out with statements like "these bars are just like a zoo" and try and explain away their kind going to LDC's as "not realising they are part of the sex industry" and I realise I am wasting my fucking time

BathtimeFunkster yes and I am struggling with the fundamentals of this. I've said to him, drugged, drunk or whatever what he showed was the real him. Is that due to being daft and misguided or is it that he is hateful?

I don't know. I'm sat on a fence that seems to have a very big drop on both sides.

I feel like I'm being a coward to my principles in the face of it being me that has to LTB.

Am appalled at what you are going through OP

It would be marriage over for me too. I could not bring myself to even sleep next to a man who had done this let alone have him touch me.

Or even be in the same room as him.

Haven't even read all of this but fgs, whatever happened to the marriage vows - married men are worse than single guys, disgusting and more fool you for believing his crap and staying with him.

And I hate how women who are treated like crap use the kids as an excuse to do FA about it.

anyfucker do you mean wasting your time crediting them with common sense? Or wasting your time with me as I seem to be 'buying' into his supposed naivety?