DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

sort of arsehole to ignore it when the victim is stood in front you.

Indeed.

And a very special sort of arsehole indeed to get an erection because of your ability to directly exploit another person.

A shower of shit now this isn't something I'd forgive my DH for anyfucker

I don't know, is there a world where her DH was scared of her reaction? Gave in to peer pressure? Shocked by the attack and not making much sense? Dumb but not inherently bad?

Just read the thread.
Singapore ?
I must have missed something
Singapore . No.

I was asking if it was Singapore

Gave into peer pressure?

Seriously? Elo if this was a thing it would be cropping up all over courts heavily in use by defence barristers but it isnt.

Because its SHIT People are responsible for their own actions.

peer pressure is for 13yo's

most of us grow out of it after that

Alright alright, he's responsible for his actions fine. Make him sweat a bit. Talk about boundaries. But I'd support him first.

Support him with what exactly?

His choice to put himself in that situation, do he can support himself , or pay someone to do it, apparently he is quite good at that

OP,

I would like to add, but not project what happened to me.

My EX initially became a member of an escort site, but "not for the reasons I thought". He minimised and I now believe 'gas lighted' me for many, many month's, and I always had a gut instinct that it wasn't quite right.

This finally culminated in a first time booking (so he said) of him finally booking a prostitute and I had the pleasure of the first 4 minutes of their 'tryst'? ( accidentally called me and it ran to voicemail .

Obviously he didn't go though with it .

My disgust for him is equivalent to having shit on my shoe, for precisely your objections to the sex industry and what it entails, and the unheard damage that it does.

My question to you is- how many times has he crossed your moral boundaries? And how important to you are they?

Should you have to 'shift' them just because of his behaviour?

He needs to give you space to think, because you need to be able to make a decision without pressure.

If you 99/100% don't think you will believe him, then I suggest that you don't continue, because it WILL eat you up and destroy your confidence.

Lastly, the people who say that you should maybe feel sorry for him as he was beaten up- tough shit- he should NOT have put himself in that position in the first place! X

He's took a beating and been robbed after willingly putting himself in a dodgy situation where he got to put his arm around sex workers.

Tell us again about this support you speak of...

What about support for his wife who has just found out that her fab husband is actually a bit of a sleazebag behind her back and could possibly have given her an STI and she'll have to get tested to fond out because she no longer knows what is truth and what is fiction.

fucking hell, lacoba

your ex, for example, is a piece of shit

I don't know, is there a world where her DH was scared of her reaction? Gave in to peer pressure?

If you reread the OP you'll see this is the third holiday of doing this.

anyfucker he is indeed .

He did suggest couples counselling, because..... "It would benefit me"! Like fuck!

I hope you told him to shove his "counselling" where the sun don't shine

Oh, and helloelo have you any experience this type of betrayal? Or are you just making twatish suggestions?

anyfucker indeed I did. He funnily enough, didn't take kindly to being told that 'he' was the problem.. (Tosser, said ever so quietly)

Sorry OP for possibly derailing.

Even if you're someone who can live with their partner 'making a mistake', it's happened several times now. The fact that he's also to some (indeterminable) degree been a victim too on this occasion doesn't blot that out. It does tell you OP that on any future trip of this kind, any time you go back to the hotel alone, or anywhere alone, you'll be wondering what he might be doing. Do you want to live like that?

elo I have no doubt he would be scared of my reaction. Nuclear might sum it up, but why then was he doing it? I have told him of many ex-colleagues doing similar stuff and he is very clear on my opinion of these men.

Love honour cherish or whatever shit he managed to spout. Doesn't seem to be happening.

I'm afraid for now it IS all about me - he's tried the 'what about me' and frankly, at the moment. Yeah, what about you? If anything it makes me disrespect him more. I didn't do anything yet I'm having to deal with it.

Support you suggest? I'm sorry I don't have it in me.

Lap dances on a stag wouldn't bother me to be honest, at all.

Going to the red light district on a family holiday would fuck me right off. I don't think he was going to get a prostitute, surely not when it was a family holiday and you were at home waiting with the kids. But was just going to be the big man. I do believe his story. Yes, I would be pissed off and I would give him hell once he'd recovered. But overall id feel worried about the drugging and beating he'd received.

As an aside, I know when my husbands lying instantly so I'd know and he buckles when I question him. So trust your gut. However, the fact the bank believes his story and is happy to refund. And, they would of checked out transactions etc then that gives him a vote of confidence.

I wouldn't be splitting up with him for this. But he's be paying for it big time and would have to make sacrifices such as no more lads holidays etc.

Victim blaming, pocketsaviour? VIctim blaming is a phrase coined and created by women in order to describe the phenomenon of women being blamed for being raped by a man. VIctim blaming extended to the police and to the courts whereby women were often asked "what were you wearing on the night you were attacked".

You aren't using this phrase with integrity when you apply it to a man who (AT THE VERY LEAST) "had his arm round" women who are paid to spend to spend time with men.

It's a blinding reversal.

Let's be clear, lap dance on stag due don't bother me. Anything beyond this, does. And escort, definitely. I understood we were talking about lap dances here. No touching. In which case I stand my grounds. That's it, that's my limit. I understand it might be a step too far for some. But there you go, for some it's not that big of a deal (and again, sex industry debate aside which is a bigger subject)

clear, you say, elo ?

ok then

Problem is when you find out these things elo, your boundaries aren't the ones that are being worked within, as I've just found out!

Do we even know that the people he had his arms around qualify as women?

This happened in Asia.

Were they, in fact, girls?