I am the OW...

[spitefulme]

Long story short...
I am a 38 year old woman, 1 child, separated, I have a fuck buddies relation with a married man.

3 years ago I separated from my husband of 11 years because of his drinking. We had a phase of getting back together, he wanted to start treatment but didn't. Instead, he found himself a mistress and a marriage didn't survive. I used to see my husband as a soulmate and had a number of happy years together, but now I doubt how much real it all was, as he is a person with obvious NPD traits, and even the past with him seems like one big lie now. Sometimes I think that the only good think I got out of this marriage is my beautiful daughter.
Ex is still 'happy' with the OW, 15 years younger than me.

In the meantime I had one serious relationship which died as well, as my partner didn't want to commit because of distance between us and disability of one of his young children.

Despite receiving counselling and taking antidepressants for years now, it seems like I cannot sort out my own head and understand that I need to see my own value first, before I get into any relationship, otherwise it will never be healthy.

I was in very bad place for the last couple of months, I desperately needed someone who would 'confirm' my value, made me feel wanted again. Pathetic, I know.

I threw myself in a string of casual sex relations, I guess I met 4-5 men and I had sex with all of them. Most of them were met online.
One of the men I met is married. The nicest one, the only one who actually doesn't treat me as meat, as fuck, he is genuinely interested in me as a human being. I think this is what attracts me most to him.
He claims that he lives in a sexless marriage.
He loves his wife and his 2 little children, but his wife has very low sex drive and pushes him away whenever he wants to be intimate. He says that she always had very little needs but since children arrived, they have sex 3-4 times a year. He tried to talk to her about it but she finds excuses of being busy with children and says she doesn't really need it. He suggested therapy, going away, babysitter so they could have time together - all she says is no, because she is happy the way it is. He says she trusts him 100% and they always been good friends, so she would never ever think he can cheat. So he decided he just needs to find someone for sex to fill this gap...
I developed friendship with that guy, we met a couple fo times and finally we had sex. It was great, we are very compatible and I could easily say that he is deprived of it. He is a very passionate man and I struggle to imagine that any healthy woman wouldn't be happy to make love to him, which leads me to conclusion that his wife does have issues with her sex drive.

He claims he doesn't want to split with his wife, that he cannot imagine living without his children, but on the other hand he cannot carry on without sex.

I know I should end this and what we do is just disgusting.
The facts are that he cheats on his wife and I am the OW.
On the other hand I kind of 'justify' it by thinking that for both of us it is just sex and a bit of intimacy. I have no intentions of splitting his family, he would never do it anyway, and I would never want it as I know best how it hurts, how much children suffer etc.
The risk of his wife finding out are minimal - we never speak on the phone, just text via kik or email. We don't exchange any dirty pictures, meet once a month maximum. He is normally very devoted to his family and children, it's not like he deprives them of his time, attention, money. We don't exchange any gifts or pay for hotels or trips - it is all very casual and we both lead our independent lives, apart from this short hours of intimacy.
I know it will have to end at some point, and every time I see him, I feel guilty... but then I think that if it wasn't me, it would be someone else... and at least I have no intentions of messing his life up.
Now, why am I writing all this... I guess it is because of guilt. I was always quite strict about being faithful and honest in relationship and in general, never cheated myself, but after that last year, when I was lied to and cheated on by my own husband, and then disappointed in another relationship, it is as if something broke inside me. I just don't feel like it's worth being honest, being the good one anymore. All the genuine and honest people around me end up lonely or used, and the ones who think of themselves are just better off... like my ex and his mistress, like so many other people I know.
I am aware of the fact that my self esteem is crushed now, that probably the only reason I am sleeping with a married man is the fact that I like the attention he gives me. I like him a lot as a person and obviously worry that I can develop feeling at some point, which will leave me in even deeper hole than now.
I would like to have a normal loving relationship but I kind of lost faith in it. It's like I have already had my bit of love with ex husband and there is nothing left for me in this life, apart from being a shag for a man, who still loves someone else.
Why am I writing all this... I think I just need someone to talk some sense into me. That arrangement leads nowewhere, I do not want to harm anybody but I am, in a way, doing this... I know affairs are wrong, that nobody deserves to be cheated on... but still I am in it. My counselor said that I do not harm anyone because I am single and I do not cheat, it's him... but still I do feel guilty.
How to change it? How to come back to the values I used to believe in, after having them rubbed in my face by ex and after doing what I did?

If, in a a relationship, one person needs a lot of sex and the other doesn't, then there is a STRONG chance that, unless both partners both make the effort to reach a middle ground (reach a compromise), then there is a strong possibility that the one who isn't getting much sex will look elsewhere.

(I know sex shouldn't be a chore, but sometimes, even if you're not in the mood, if you make the initial effort, the feelings will follow)

Could I point out that if it only takes 10 mins, you're not doing it right ?

The married people who are only getting it about 3 times a year would probably give their right arms to have 10 mins!

What does making an effort to reach middle ground look like? One person agreeing to sex they don't want sometimes, whilst another person agrees not to sulk when sex is unwanted sometimes. With the threat of infidelity looming overhead if this isn't agreed to. Not exactly conditions where desire flourishes are they?

And blimey, how do you make it last 10 minutes?

FFS of course his gorgeous 26 year old wife is shagging him! He thinks your an old slapper he's fucking on the side for a laugh. If that sounds harsh I am ashamed to admit I had sex with a married woman who told me she didn't sleep with her husband even on holiday, I believed her but of course she was lying. If he wasn't getting any at home he would be round your gaff more than once a month.....move on.

PushingThru,
Marriages have to be worked at. That's all I'm saying.

If he wasn't getting any at home he would be round your gaff more than once a month

Exactly.

Marriages have to be worked at. That's all I'm saying.

What does that look like? "One person agreeing to sex they don't want sometimes, whilst another person agrees not to sulk when sex is unwanted sometimes?".

What's your alternative?

The way I see it - Some men will cheat no matter how much sex they're having with their wives, or how happy their home lives are. Nobody is disputing that.

But, there are other instances, and you only have to look at the Relationships Boards to see this, where people say that they have discovered their partners having an affair. A couple of pages in, there is usually a drip feed of how ''we haven't had sex for months''.
There is a common theme in a lot of those posts.

So, if your husband hasn't had sex for months, then he won't necessarily cheat. I'm sure a lot don't.

But, if your husband hasn't had sex for months and you add in Opportunity,
for example, he's started to get on well with a female colleague at work, business trip etc, (even the most decent of people can sucumb to temptation)
then your marriage is at High Risk of an affair.
It might not happen, but the risk is high.
No sex at home + Opportunity = High risk of affair.

So, if you don't want your marriage to be in the risky category, doesn't it make sense to take steps to 'affair proof it'?

I'm not saying you have to be shagging like rabbits every 5 seconds who's got the bloody energy for that? unless you're both 18 still but to not have sex for months on end........... risky

But you are assuming a cause and effect in a certain direction there. Perhaps there's less sex because he is investing everything in another relationship. Also, I disagree with the premise of your point. We get plenty of threads where a confused spouse is saying, "we were having regular sex".

"Affair-proof" a marriage? It doesn't require you to have a certain amount of sex with your spouse. It requires you not to cheat. It's that simple. If you feel at risk of straying, then talk to your spouse. Put them in a fully informed position to make their own decisions.

Your view of men is shallow and depressing.

Op you're not stupid. Do you really think he's not sleeping with his wife. Fgs the word gullible is not in the dictionary!
There will be no winners here. No you. When:if you discover you were just s convenient shAg. Him when his wife finds out and divorced him his poor currently unsuspecting wife bringing up her children as an LP. Should it go that far.
But he's the cunt not you. He's married to her not you,

No, not shallow, just realistic.

Most of the books such as 'Not Just Friends' talk about setting boundaries and compromises within a marriage.
It's common sense.

To those who state monogamy is not natural or widespread it isn't.

www.hookingupsmart.com/2013/07/24/relationshipstrategies/the-definitive-survey-of-infidelity-in-marriage-and-relationships/
From Kinsey:

? 11% of adults who have ever been married or cohabited have been unfaithful to their partner (Treas & Giesen, 2000).

94% of married men and women had only one sex partner (their spouse) in the past 12 months, 4% had 2-4 partners, and 1% had over 5 partners (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

.......
The percentage of wives having affairs rose almost 40 percent during the last two decades to 14.7 percent in 2010, while the number of men admitting to extramarital affairs held constant at 21 percent, according to the latest data from the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey.d that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

Your experience isn't unique-most men don't cheat because their wives are unattractive, and - most people don't cheat at all.

Also,

"An interesting fact about extramarital affair and divorce is that the divorced spouse rarely marries the paramour who caused the marriage breakup and even when he/she does, the resulting marriage is far from a happy one. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men like executives, entrepreneurs, professionals found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers.

Only 3 percent of the 4,100 successful men surveyed by Halper eventually married their lovers. Another study carried out by Frank Pittman found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was as high as 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt at breaking up a marriage, unrealistic expectations from the new marriage, a general distrust of marriage and a distrust of the new spouse."

So, you effectively reap what you sow.

don you're not being realistic at all. There is no way to 'affair proof' a relationship. There just isn't. You can be the perfect wife, be charming, provide fantastic food, keep a house spotless, be successful in business, earn a fortune, wear matching saucy underwear, swing from the chandelier every night and he will still cheat on you.

Or you can be a normal woman getting through every day life, balancing work and home, juggling finances, planning a future and thinking you are happy with your partner and, again, he will still cheat on you.

It makes no difference because it's not possible (or right) to try and control another person. If he's going to cheat he is the type who cheats. Not the type who tells their partner they are unhappy, discusses the problems, arranges counselling if necessary or agrees to separate.

These choices are all his and his alone, you are blaming a woman for not 'holding onto her man' by having sex with him when he wants it and she doesn't which is both ridiculous and quite damaging to suggest.

"We get plenty of threads where a confused spouse is saying, "we were having regular sex".

Exactly. But of course maybe it was the wrong sort of sex. Or maybe she didn't do it until after she'd done the washing up thereby relegating it to a position of lesser importance than the housework. Or maybe she didn't enjoy it enough. Who knows! It seems the reasons for a man to stray are legion

Is there actually a script?

OP, come on really you aren't believing his shit are you? Not really?

Seriously ? Are there there are people out there who still believe that men have affairs because they are not getting enought sex ?

Do you think that men rape women because they want sex ?

Or sexually abuse children because they are not getting enough sex ?

Or go to prostitutes because they are not getting enough sex ?

I though it was generally accepted that these issues / crimes were about power and a sense of entitlement , and not about sex

^^ exactly!!! what StaceyandTracey said!

People who cheat, cheat. In my experience it's irrelevant how often they are having sex with their primary partner.

I'd certainly believe only 20-odd percent of men would admit to an affair. That would be nothing to the ones who'd actually done it.

Stacey my own fucking SISTER asked if my prostitute using husband hadn't got enough sex at home
That attitude is out there.

Cabrinha - how did you manage not to slap her ?

StaceyAndTracey:

"Or go to prostitutes because they are not getting enough sex ?"

I think it is possible at least. I once knew someone who started visiting sex workers in his 40s after his wife decided that they were too old for sex and shut up shop as it were. He went to them for the next 20 years before "retiring". Of course, this is all his reporting and so he could be lying on some or all aspects, but I do think it genuinely is possible.

I can understand the attraction in thinking that such a scenario never happens and there never are people who begin affairs because they feel they are trapped into an affectionless or sexless situation, that they are always just thrill-seeking etc, but surely it does occasionally happen.

The fact I was driving a car at the time probably helped
She has a good heart, and was trying to make sense of it rather than blame me I think. I did have stern words though!