Long story short...
I am a 38 year old woman, 1 child, separated, I have a fuck buddies relation with a married man.
3 years ago I separated from my husband of 11 years because of his drinking. We had a phase of getting back together, he wanted to start treatment but didn't. Instead, he found himself a mistress and a marriage didn't survive. I used to see my husband as a soulmate and had a number of happy years together, but now I doubt how much real it all was, as he is a person with obvious NPD traits, and even the past with him seems like one big lie now. Sometimes I think that the only good think I got out of this marriage is my beautiful daughter.
Ex is still 'happy' with the OW, 15 years younger than me.
In the meantime I had one serious relationship which died as well, as my partner didn't want to commit because of distance between us and disability of one of his young children.
Despite receiving counselling and taking antidepressants for years now, it seems like I cannot sort out my own head and understand that I need to see my own value first, before I get into any relationship, otherwise it will never be healthy.
I was in very bad place for the last couple of months, I desperately needed someone who would 'confirm' my value, made me feel wanted again. Pathetic, I know.
I threw myself in a string of casual sex relations, I guess I met 4-5 men and I had sex with all of them. Most of them were met online.
One of the men I met is married. The nicest one, the only one who actually doesn't treat me as meat, as fuck, he is genuinely interested in me as a human being. I think this is what attracts me most to him.
He claims that he lives in a sexless marriage.
He loves his wife and his 2 little children, but his wife has very low sex drive and pushes him away whenever he wants to be intimate. He says that she always had very little needs but since children arrived, they have sex 3-4 times a year. He tried to talk to her about it but she finds excuses of being busy with children and says she doesn't really need it. He suggested therapy, going away, babysitter so they could have time together - all she says is no, because she is happy the way it is. He says she trusts him 100% and they always been good friends, so she would never ever think he can cheat. So he decided he just needs to find someone for sex to fill this gap...
I developed friendship with that guy, we met a couple fo times and finally we had sex. It was great, we are very compatible and I could easily say that he is deprived of it. He is a very passionate man and I struggle to imagine that any healthy woman wouldn't be happy to make love to him, which leads me to conclusion that his wife does have issues with her sex drive.
He claims he doesn't want to split with his wife, that he cannot imagine living without his children, but on the other hand he cannot carry on without sex.
I know I should end this and what we do is just disgusting.
The facts are that he cheats on his wife and I am the OW.
On the other hand I kind of 'justify' it by thinking that for both of us it is just sex and a bit of intimacy. I have no intentions of splitting his family, he would never do it anyway, and I would never want it as I know best how it hurts, how much children suffer etc.
The risk of his wife finding out are minimal - we never speak on the phone, just text via kik or email. We don't exchange any dirty pictures, meet once a month maximum. He is normally very devoted to his family and children, it's not like he deprives them of his time, attention, money. We don't exchange any gifts or pay for hotels or trips - it is all very casual and we both lead our independent lives, apart from this short hours of intimacy.
I know it will have to end at some point, and every time I see him, I feel guilty... but then I think that if it wasn't me, it would be someone else... and at least I have no intentions of messing his life up.
Now, why am I writing all this... I guess it is because of guilt. I was always quite strict about being faithful and honest in relationship and in general, never cheated myself, but after that last year, when I was lied to and cheated on by my own husband, and then disappointed in another relationship, it is as if something broke inside me. I just don't feel like it's worth being honest, being the good one anymore. All the genuine and honest people around me end up lonely or used, and the ones who think of themselves are just better off... like my ex and his mistress, like so many other people I know.
I am aware of the fact that my self esteem is crushed now, that probably the only reason I am sleeping with a married man is the fact that I like the attention he gives me. I like him a lot as a person and obviously worry that I can develop feeling at some point, which will leave me in even deeper hole than now.
I would like to have a normal loving relationship but I kind of lost faith in it. It's like I have already had my bit of love with ex husband and there is nothing left for me in this life, apart from being a shag for a man, who still loves someone else.
Why am I writing all this... I think I just need someone to talk some sense into me. That arrangement leads nowewhere, I do not want to harm anybody but I am, in a way, doing this... I know affairs are wrong, that nobody deserves to be cheated on... but still I am in it. My counselor said that I do not harm anyone because I am single and I do not cheat, it's him... but still I do feel guilty.
How to change it? How to come back to the values I used to believe in, after having them rubbed in my face by ex and after doing what I did?