Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

Hi I'm so sorry for what ur going through been through something similar and it gets easier trust me soon u will look back and think what did I ever see in him and laugh at how pathetic they both are. never commented on mums net before and don't know how this all works or if there's rules in butting in but I had some advice from similar experience and a fab lawyer I suggest that you let him miss visits with no hassle make it easy for him and be nice as pie about it so he keeps offering you them on his weekends because then instead of his parents having them on the sly u know each visit he misses just make it clear ur not switching weekends (he may be trying this so his and ow weekends with kids are the same) also keep notes of any visits he misses for plans with ow and don't let him find out of any plans you have when the kids are in ur care that require a babysitter. The reason I'm saying this is because if he does decide he wants to fight for 50/50 visits down the line u have a better case for keeping your current access plan as if he's missing visits for holidays on current plan or you have examples if him acting just like a weekend dad then he's not going to be awarded 50:50 so look at every visit he misses less as a bad thing as he's spending time with ow and more as a savings bank of every visit missed is a good thing for u to get him back in any custody fight he tries to start and loses I in the future ;)

Phee, your family and friends would always come round specifically to do the handover and would never feel like you are being unfair to them. You are not the unfair person here and everyone knows it! However, I think it would be great for it to be more a positive reason to be spending time with you. When I was suffering pretty badly, I found Sundays particularly hard - they were always a slob chill out day and whilst I enjoy time on my own, when it was because there was no choice but to be on my own, hanging around just getting through the day was miserable. I started doing more Sunday lunches with my best friend and with my family. They were so good for me and helped me face the start of the week with a more positive frame of mind. Then, when I was eventually better, I started doing it with more friends too, not because I needed the support any more but because it's a really nice way to round off the weekend.

Just checking in Phee .

Well done for your message concerning that weekend - you're doing really well- keep those firm boundaries up. This is HIS choice - he can take consequences and make the difficult decisions - I'm so pleased you are not allowing him to look at you to make things "easier" for him.

If he chooses to forgo his contact weekend that alone is his responsibility - not another thing for you to worry about or rearrange. Well done Phee .

This is where things will start to get difficult for him x

Obv goibg no contact cannot last forever when kids are involved, it's just for a few weeks to give yourself time to heal and in your case to remove his opportunity for spiteful gloating.
I just had my sisters over and was either out or upstairs.
I think it works ok with your dad as long as knobhead doesn't get there early to fuful his own selfish needs.

Phee, you are doing all the right things, not inviting him in obviously will only upset you further.
That's very positive news about the DTs chlldcare. You are taking little steps all the time.
I have a niece your age she has one little girl, she's only 15 years younger than me and I know if she were going through what you are now, we would all be absolutely devastated.
Its ok to feel the way you do, at least you are honest with yourself and not putting on a brave face all the time, you do have to go through these feelings.
I hope you get a few decent nights sleep and get some piece of mind.
Take care.

The friend idea is a good one because you can have a big girly offload the night before and then collapse in fits of laughter if he says something bloody ridiculous he would feel a right tool then.

Definitely don't invite him in. Doorstep so if he wants to say something to hurt you it will have to be quick!

But agree, get someone over. Doesn't have to be same person every week, so see if you can do dad/brother/friend, at least for next few weeks. I'm sure in this difficult time they would be glad for something concrete and constructive that they can do to help you. I know if this happened with my best friend I'd want to do whatever I could to minimise the impact their ex could have.

Maybe the sunday dinner as laurierf has suggested, could either provide at lunch time for just you and them or do it for tea time in anticipation of twins coming and joining? if you can bear to share them!

Speaks volumes that WF isn't up for changing her own arrangements and is happy to allow STBXH to make such a bad impression right at the start of mediation. Maybe things aren't as rosy with her XP as has been suggested.

I hope the twins didn't hear him talking about it.

Morning Phee.
Still here, urging you on.

Could you try emailing him:

"The arrangement is that you bring back the twins at 5.30. The reason my father is there to receive the twins is because I do not wish to see you or talk to you after your recent behaviour. You must have worked out that this is the reason my father is there. Please respect this and arrive neither early or late so that this arrangement works smoothly. I do not wish to keep you waiting on the driveway until my father arrives, in case it upsets the twins, but if this should need to happen it will be because of your decision to bring them back earlier than the agreed time. Any contact between us should be via email."

"Hi, the other day you mentioned not having the children one weekend, and would I have them or should they go to your parents. Would you just remind me of the date and the reason you can't see them?"

Well said gerti I particukarly agree with your first paragraph, that would be so lovely and very empowering.
It's when things like this happen that the STBX sees you are ok without them and start to winge and whine.

This guy is going to freak when you start toobd on phee he's been so wrapped up in his "love affair" that's he's not stopped to consider his long time partner and mother of his children will one day have a great life without him or even a new love of her own.
I pray I'm around to see that happen.

Moving on

It's hilarioud to watch isn't it?
My ex was absoluteky furious/devastated/regretful, begging me to take him back, calling me a slag all whilst still with ow the love of his life!
I wasn't even satisfied at his reaction by then, I just found him irritating.
He even booked a holiday for us both in Spain to "talk"
I changed his name and took my sister, we had a lovely time

Oh, yep, I think I'm one of many who have already predicted he'll come crawling back with his tail between his legs sooner or later. The only question is whether OpheliaRose crushes him under her stilettos or considers taking him back on her terms for the sake of the children, if by that time she hasn't had all the love she once had for him squashed out of her by his appalling behaviour.

Yes that is a dilemma.
It very much depends on the length of time doesn't it?
Easy to be strong when some distance has passed. and you realise that you were married to a total wanker

I don't think it even occurs to these men that their wives lives continue and that they can find happiness again, it's just assumed that you will continue to pine for them for all eternity, which leaves them to enjoy their new life, safe in the knowledge they can click their fingers and go back any time they want. It really pulls the rug from their little daydream when the reality is somewhat difference. I guess that's why getting to the point where you live well really is the ultimate revenge.

Morning phee You honestly do not realise how awesome you are. How many days are you going to be doing at work? I totally agree that WF may be tiring of his lovesick puppy act. Re handover - I think you should be having a huge party every time he drops DTs off. And invite several very good looking men. When H tries to ask who they are, tell him that it's none of his business (I know you won't do this because you're too dignified)

Oh, sorry, I forgot, I meant to congratulate you on getting the daycare sorted before you start your job, Fab Phee. This is another thing which will come as a shock to your H - imagine, you have the temerity to go against his wishes and have the children in daycare convenient for you, not for him! You are putting it all together so well! I remain in awe of you!

•GERTI" I did literally break it to him the night before

I won't pretend I didn't think about putting my family back together but I just couldn't face it.
The self doubt, suspicion, waiting for it to happen again, wondering if I was pretty enough, freaking out about the ageing process. Meh.

The posters on here who have "taken back cheaters" all seem to be so sad and anxious about things, I think staying apart is the far easier option.

Hooty I agree, it's like these men expect the ex to sit in the dark in their wedding dress looking mournfully at old photographs while cobwebs grow round them like Miss Haversham. A friend of mine was dumped for a 20 year old when she was 6 months pregnant. Her ex was incandescent when she met someone else two years later.