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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:

BessieBumptious · 08/06/2015 14:15

Agree. I think that whilst the DTs need to see and have a relationship with their father, it's far more damaging for it to be sporadic and 'when he feels like it'. Better to have short term pain now to get the stupid bastard to be where he needs to be (i.e. thinking of his children) than to let it drag out for ever.

He needs a short sharp shock, somehow. That said... one more brain cell and he'd be an amoeba... so it'll be an uphill struggle.

eminthebigsmoke · 08/06/2015 16:16

Some great email suggestions already but I reckon you should leave OW's name out of it. I'd just say that moving forward you expect him to keep strictly to pick up / drop off times so that there's no unnecessary waiting around for the DTs (e.g. you could have been out until the arranged time), and that you expect him to stick to the interim contact arrangement of EOW - stressing that the agreement is with HIM to allow the twins to see HIM consistently, as you have both agreed this is in their best interests. If you wanted to you could add that, while it is kind of his M to offer to have them for the weekend, it is not in their best interests to start unsupervised overnights so soon. They are still getting used to having time away from mummy, it would be too much to have time away from mummy and daddy.

I'm sure it's easier to say it than to do it but it's the DTs weekend with him - he shouldn't be looking to you for permission / an excuse to say no. It's his responsibility end of.

So glad to hear that the party was good and the world at large is on team Phee

clam · 08/06/2015 16:54

Might be worth slipping in a sentence to the effect of 'I'm at a loss to understand why you should think it in any way appropriate to have arranged a trip away on your contact weekend. I was hoping that you agreed with me that continuity for the twins is paramount, particularly during this very difficult transition time for them" blah di blah.

Jackw · 08/06/2015 17:28

To be honest, I would just let it go. You fought and won the big battle over the 9 months delay in your DTs meeting the OW. If you are going to fight everything, you'll exhaust yourself and just put his back up. At the moment, he's keeping to what was agreed at mediation, which is the most important thing.

There's an article in the Guardian today about how to get over a broken heart (Dr Dillner's dilemma, if you want to google). No contact is the big thing. I know that's not completely possible because of the children but I would seriously give some thought to reducing it as much as you can. Don't follow on Facebook was the second, which I think probably applies to the emails too.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/06/2015 17:35

Jackw while a lot of what you says makes sense, I really do think Phee needs to deal with this issue immediately. She is only into the first week of agreed contact and already he is trying to move the goalposts...the children will be suffering anyway (I know this, because mine are) and he is proposing not seeing them for 3 weeks in order to facilitate a weekend away with his tart. I think if that isn't trodden on immediately, he will just continue to move the goalposts as and when it suits. It's not on. He needs to realise that with having children comes responsibility, even if you're busy "following your heart" that still makes me feel sick, what a tosser. Am off to Google the Guardian article...thanks for flagging it up!

FriendofBill · 08/06/2015 18:31

He's not keeping to it though is he?
He's trying to change it.

Smooshface · 08/06/2015 18:33

Of course WF isn't going to do anything to help him see his kids, why should she stuff up her own access arrangements? If she was party to the arrangements maybe she would have been 'selfless' and done so, but I very much doubt it!

He is a puppy isn't he, pleasing his mistress to the detriment of his own life. He is blind and pathetic. You are well shot.

Phoenix0x0 · 08/06/2015 19:22

Definately turned up early on purpose. Personally, I think it was to make a dig at you but also because he hadn't got the balls to say that in front or to your dad......

Either, ask your dad to arrive an hour or so before he drops off the twins or ask that he collects them at your parents house.

You do need to go no contact....to save your own sanity!

Re: the weekend....he really is taking the piss. I cannot add to the great advice you have already been given.

I agree with a PP who said 'who emails so called friends pictures etc of your wonderful new life'.....I think he is trying to convince everyone that what he has done was 'fated'".........as if!

bjrce · 08/06/2015 19:35

Phoenix, I have to agree with you.
There is no way on this earth, any guy with half a brain would go:

"AAAHHH isn't that lovely!" at H mails. Ridiculous! The friend is more than likely rolling his eyes! I've seen men at work, absolutely nobody is ever impressed.

The H really is trying to hard. In his heart he knows he has fucked up big time. He is hammering on about OW in a bid to try and convince everyone he did the right thing.

Phee, I know you won't want to hear this, but he did come back early yesterday to catch you out, because he still wants to see you. I know everything he says is very hurtful, but really he knows this is all he has left with you.

You best weapon would be going forward.
1 Control the contact ( ie no contact). He hates this and its good for you.
2 Don't react to his fuck acting, try and expect the worst, obviously there's plenty to come.

Weebirdie · 08/06/2015 20:23

Definately turned up early on purpose. Personally, I think it was to make a dig at you but also because he hadn't got the balls to say that in front or to your dad......

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 08/06/2015 20:32

I've told him I will have the twins but made it clear that if he chooses to go on holiday for that weekend we won't be swapping weekends so he will just have to miss a contact weekend.

He hasn't responded yet

I was trying to write a post earlier as someone had asked me about working and the childcare situation. I've gone with a child minder who lives fairy close mainly because it fitted best with my needs but i did see a very lovely nursery too, I've agreed a start date with work of monday 6th July.

I've decided to start the twins at the child minder next week for a day and a morning and will slowly build up to their full hours so they are used to it by the time I start work.

OP posts:

venetiaswirl · 08/06/2015 20:37

Good for you Phee. Hold your line!
It's small steps all the way (with some falling back) but you're really impressive.
FWIW, I've been a single parent for 20 plus years and, as they get a bit older, it can be fantastic!

paddymcgintysmum · 08/06/2015 20:46

"I agree with a PP who said 'who emails so called friends pictures etc of your wonderful new life'.....I think he is trying to convince everyone that what he has done was 'fated'".........as if!"

He didn't do it for the friend though, he knows Phee will read his emails as he hasn't changed the password. They may have been sent to the friend but they were written for Phee.
I don't know why some men go out of the way to hurt the mother of their children after they have left, but many do.

Phoenix0x0 · 08/06/2015 20:50

Good. The DT will need this (being away from you) and also you need the break.

What are your thoughts about getting H collecting them at your parents/your dad coming over earlier?

Or you could not open the door/be out until after pick up?

Weebirdie · 08/06/2015 20:52

He didn't do it for the friend though, he knows Phee will read his emails as he hasn't changed the password. They may have been sent to the friend but they were written for Phee.

Ledkr · 08/06/2015 20:52

I've said about no contact since thread one, it was like a magic cure for me and ive heard psychologists talk about it before too.
In phees case this would also put a stop to his gleeful bragging which he seems to delight in.
This coupled with e mails to his mateake him seem very inexperienced and imature, as does booking holidays during his contact weekends.
I've a feeling his puppydig behaviour will turn off the ow soon and he will end up knowing g how he made his wife feel.
Well done phee, you have come so far it's amazing, just imagine how u will be in another month.

Weebirdie · 08/06/2015 20:53

Phee you're about half my age but you have my utmost respect and admiration.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 08/06/2015 21:03

I just worry if hand overs happen at my parents then it will be too weird for the twins.

I don't understand who you can go full NC when children are involved. its all so hard

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Rosieliveson · 08/06/2015 21:08

Great news about work and the childminder. It's brilliant that you've managed to get things organised.

laurierf · 08/06/2015 21:16

I did think it would a bit odd for the kids - it's quite a lot of moving around from place to place. I don't know how it would work for you, but could you make it a regular thing that you have an eow Sunday meal at yours with DB/friend/parents or have a friend stay at yours for wine and DVD night eow Friday and be there Saturday morning so there's always someone there to answer the door to him or something like that? You have a fixed schedule for contact now. You've made it clear that you're not going to switch that, so there shouldn't be much need for communication about them now for a while. It is x time until x time.

laurierf · 08/06/2015 21:18

not that he won't try to invent reasons for contact… but you need to close it down as much as possible.

Vivacia · 08/06/2015 21:19

Wow on the progress front! New job, childcare in place... new chapter.

bjrce · 08/06/2015 21:24

Obviously, long term, that will not work for you.

What does he do every time he comes over?, does he pop inside for a chat, or would it be feasible to have the DTs ready so you can move him on as quickly as possible, he just always seems to have the ability to make a comment or hit you with another blow. Would it be possible to have a friend over particularly at the drop offs, I will say it again, its a control thing for him, he does want to see you, when he can't see you, he can't make his hurtful comments.

Vivacia · 08/06/2015 21:29

Would it be possible to have a friend over particularly at the drop offs

She's been doing this, with her dad, only her ex turns up half an hour early to catch her alone.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 08/06/2015 21:32

laurierf That sounds like a good idea, I do feel its a bit unfair to put friends or family on that position every week.

bjrce I've tried to keep it so he stands on the door step and the twins just go out to him. I worry if i invite him in it will be too much for me having him sat on our sofa again. i imagine i'll just break down and cry, beg and end up looking a complete fool

OP posts:

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