Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OpheliaRose, I don't believe this git. It must also be such a terrible shock to you that the man you were with for 12 years could behave in this way towards you - he is just being an absolute bastard, so vile - I'm sure you're finding it terribly hard to believe he is behaving so horribly towards you. As others have said, he is being vindictive towards you because you thwarted his plans in mediation and proved you will not let him walk all over you. I believe there's some scientific theorem which says 'every action provokes a reaction" - but he didn't expect you to react to his actions, he expected you to meekly bow to his dictatorship of your life, and is lashing out at you because he's not getting his own way.
I agree about emailing him about the contact week-end, I think BalloonSlayer's wording (at 22:34:24) covered it. He should not already be messing the twins around about their week-ends with him and again, it is his expectation that you will roll over and ask him to tickle your tummy every time he starts dictating to you, that is so bloody outrageous. He really has no concern for anyone but himself. How on earth can he justify wanting 50/50 shared parenting (that ain't gonna happen), when at the first opportunity, he puts the OW before his children?
Next time he turns up early to catch you unawares, don't answer the door till the agreed time (although that's maybe not such a good idea from the twins' pov?). If that doesn't work, then do as others suggested and agree for drop off to be at your parents', or for a family member to pick them up from a mutually agreed place that is not your house, so he doesn't invade your privacy and blindside you again. He is such a shit.
As to picking the scab by logging into his email account, well, what you found was never going to be any good, was it? If you possibly can resist, it's probably best not to torment yourself like this again, and try not to dwell on what you found. I know how difficult it must be. I reiterate that I believe you would find it helpful to see a counsellor on your own behalf. It is not an admission of failure to do that, it is a method of helping yourself deal with the crap your H is constantly throwing at you.
Do you have another mediation session, or was last week's it? Have you found any likely childcare for the children for when you start work? Do you have a start date for work? (Sorry to bombard you with questions, no need to reply if you don't want but just trying to think ahead for you, positively!)
Hope you and the children had a good night's sleep and you are ready to enjoy your day with them.

I think there's a possibility that he wants to see you.

It is very difficult for someone who's been dictating the situation for soo long to accept or learn to work with a different order.

You have taken control.
You look different you act different.
He wants...needs the old order.
I and everyone on here know what happens when the scale falls... I suspect he is having a slow awakening driven by the change in your behavior. The stronger you become the more unsure he becomes.

I don't care what the emails say or the photographs. When someone does something as despicable as your husband they generally have to make themselves and everyone agree that it was for the greater good and worth it. It doesn't mean they believe it.
Do not allow him anymore access to you.
He needs to feel despair.
Trust me he will.
Keep your head up and strength high.
Control the situation by detaching and watch him writhe like a beetle on his back.

There is no worthwhile form of happiness that these two will enjoy.
You are so much more than either of them.

I think he's already started to realise that... The realisation from the cheater can sometimes come as aggression and nasty behavior towards the injured party. Remember that next time he's a dick and smile at him.

If you possibly can resist, it's probably best not to torment yourself like this again

I think that you have to resist. His behaviour has been dreadful, but he has a right to privacy. Keep your dignity intact.

I rather suspect he is also angry because of the implied criticism of little miss perky tits. Here you are doing all you can to protect your children, being very careful about how and when they should be introduced to other partners etc, as per what the experts say, and there is she throwing all and sundry at her poor DC. Makes her look bad. And he doesn't like that because it is a chip at the perfect image he has constructed for himself to justify his revolting behaviour.

You have shone a spotlight on just how sordid they are and he really doesn't want to see that. So he is punishing you for it.

Deep down, he already knows he made the wrong choice.

Out of interest, did his best mate reply to any of the gushing emails? What did he say?

So wf's birthday is more important than seeing his young twins? The twins he said he would like 50/50 ideally? He is disgusting and quite frankly utterly deluded in himself.

Yes to putting this in writing that as he will not be available for his contact weekend, you will be keeping the twins that weekend. You need a record of his pissing about.

Ophelia I wont call him names because at times that can be counter productive when you're feelings are still all over the place. Suffice to say he is who he is.

Dont let the children go to your MIL the weekend he's away with the OW. Keep them with you and make it clear to him that he's forgone his time with them and the next weekend he has them will be as per the usual schedule.

He had quite a nerve to suggest they'd go to your MIL if you had plans and i would (perhaps wrongly) find a way to say - my weekends are my childrens, please do not judge me by your standards.

Your doing great, you really are.

His "rearranged weekend" could be one in the bank for Christmas phee.
If his weekend falls at xmas u can just rearrange it to suit yourself as that seems to be ok

Can't believe he's messing your twins about already. Oh wait, actually I can because he's a selfish bastard.

Another agreement about the email from me ...

H, as per your request yesterday I am able to keep the twins on said weekend you wish to cancel your contact and take WF away. It is better that they stay with me to minimise any confusion.
However, in future, please try to make plans which accommodate your contact times. Phee

It's one in the bank for you. Don't let him rearrange either. If he chooses to go away then that's his look out. You have plans for your weekends and wish to stick to the agreement.

I know it seems a long way away but I've seen it mentioned. Christmas this year falls on Friday so isn't his day. Your current arrangement gives him tea on Christmas Eve which will have to be sufficient. You don't need to change any arrangements.

Remember to make decisions based upon what's best for the twins. Three weeks without dad won't be in their best interests. It might be a long slog for you. It might make him less flexible for you on the future.

You can always compromise and say you had plans for the Saturday, so perhaps they just go to grandparents on the Sunday (for example).

I got my days mixed up there, but hopefully you see what I mean.

But how does sending the twins to his parents when he's away help, Vivacia? They'd see Daddy after Sunday lunch at best?

H is suggesting the twins go to grandparents as he is away. Not so he can still see them. He is missing contact either way. I assume he will still see them for their Thursday evening contact so it won't be three weeks without him.

Is he out of his mind? He is choosing a dirty weekend over seeing his children? A weekend away which he could easily have arranged for a non contact weekend?
He's not even trying to consider their needs, is he?
Bite his hand off for the house, screw him for as much maintenance as possible, then build a fantastic life for you and your DTs, without a backwards glance.

Dear phee, I’ve been following your thread and am full of admiration for how you are dealing with all this. You sound like a wonderful woman and Mum.

My take is that he is very much ‘in love’ (in the teenage sense) with OW, completely besotted. She may feel the same for now, however, the picture painted is of a flirtatious woman who enjoys male attention, someone who is comfortable with attracting married men, a woman who has a ‘cool best friends’ relationship with her former partner.
The threats are everywhere and he must feel under tremendous pressure to hang on to his ‘prize’.

I wonder, once the excitement has died down, how long it will it be before she tires of his fawning spaniel act and the infatuated devotion ceases to feel flattering and starts to feel cloying.

Add to this the demands of three young children and I think her former life with plenty of male attention, just one child shared with a ‘cool’ ex will start to appear very attractive.

I am also shocked by his parents willingness to have the twins to facilitate his 'weekend away with OW'.

Hmm... so he's planned on that weekend because WF has HER child on the weekends either side of that. But she won't change HER access weekends in order to accommodate being taken away...

Don't let DTs go to his parents - they've already shown such a lack of support and shown you who they are that I'd not be willing to do that. They need stability right now more than ever and it doesn't bode well for the future that he's already shoving them aside for his own ends. The biggest wake up call you can give him is that he DOESN'T see them for 3 weeks. They'll be fine, because they will be secure with you. He needs to understand that they cannot be picked up and dropped when he feels like it.

The biggest thing he's done here is let his children down, and that can't be swept under the carpet. It's not you he's letting down (been there, done that); it's now them. He's already done his worst to you, so now he's transferring that to his own children. Nice man.

Good point Bessie re the OW not wanting her access weekends disrupted.

And WInter, yes, this very much is the teenage stage of things he didn't experience after meeting Phee at school. She's matured as she's gone along. He hasn't.

Morning Phee, morning all,
It's too early for changes in accessarrangents. Good grief you have only just made them. Grown people don't need to celebrate their birthdays on the day. Ffs children's parties aren't always on the day.

A cynical me would say he knew it chose not to add it to the mediation mix.

A bit like a teacher does at the beginning of term: set the tone. Don't be late don't change weekends.

He has said it, at least, prior to the event (my experience was finding out after the event). But it does seem he's still thinking with his cock.

And keep a diary as it will be useful regarding discussing 50/50 care and also in terms of maintenance.

That may sound dramatic but ole
Miss Can't-talk-now-I'm-being-selfless could/should suggest it happens on another week.
It's not great still putting her first.

Have you got some nice things planned this week Phee?

Also if you change that weekend, in future all the dc will be there at the same weekend, thus ensuring 'free' weekend for OW and ex EOW?

Hmm... so he's planned on that weekend because WF has HER child on the weekends either side of that. But she won't change HER access weekends in order to accommodate being taken away

Well said.

Yes, I thought she was supposed to be Miss Wonderful!
Doesn't she understand H has to see his DC. He's so full of shit, funny how he didn't mention this weekend at mediation.

The more info I hear, the more I think he is her little lapdog running round for her, ensuring her weekend with her Child is not effected. I would have to mail him and let him know he has just confirmed his priority over his DC, you knew it all along but now you've just had it confirmed.

Actually Phee, do you parents live nearb?y, as a PP said, if you can, I think I would look at going down the road of having the pick up/drop off at your parents house, thereby you are controlling the situation and also, when he wants to inform you re his weekends away it will force him to do it by email, a record for you. If he tries to give info to your parents, they can tell him to put it in an email to you. Also, you won't have to deal with his arriving early like yesterday again.

Definitely don't allow him the next available weekend, it'll fit in too nicely with their plans

There have been some very insightful posts here:

Sadly, I think he is trying to hurt you, after all the hurt he's already caused. It's the only thing he can do, now you are refusing to be controlled, and are showing yourself as a strong, dignified woman who puts her children first, and doesn't act on emotion all the time. Weirdly, he is punishing you for being all that WF is not. It's gutting to think of him treating you like this. I am generally someone who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm very trusting, but there's a lot not sitting well here - the comment to your Dad about 'longer than expected', arriving earlier than arranged, the birthday weekend 'happening' to be a contact weekend etc.

Well done for not discussing the house on the doorstep.

You are doing so well, Phee. I know it's so hard for you to believe you are better off without him, but genuinely you are. This behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere. He comes from a dysfunctional family, and (I think) was brought up to be very, very selfish and has never become emotionally intelligent. He's not overcome that. Good luck to WF, she's going to need it.

It's less hassle for everyone if it just stays as it is.
Then y'all know where you are.
We have to train people how to treat us sometimes, he needs training into the new situation.
Show up at agreed time/date, no chopping/changing to what suits whoever whenever.
If you let him do this, it sets the tone for more hassle down the line.

Even if he was intending to change weekend so he could see them, not for a holiday. Unbelievable!

Stand firm!