Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

I know you must feel so overwhelmed with how quickly this is all happening but please start the ball rolling on the house Phee.

You have a happy future ahead of you, with your children, and eventually with someone who deserves you.

Another one who's been here from the beginning and sending support.

Just wanted to say take the house before he changes his mind, he's not to be trusted (obviously), so the best thing you can do is sort out as much of the finances to your benefit as quickly as possible.

They both sound disgusting to me, shame on them!

Do it Phee, please

Get the house get the security and take the next step in getting your life sorted without that piece of shit

Make the call Phee

Well done, you have done so well with everything. All this now seems like a nightmare that you shouldn't have to endure but in the future you will be glad that you stood strong. Like others have said I would take the house and all the maintenance he is prepared to pay. He may not always be willing to pay so much but getting the house in your name is a good move and something that cannot be reversed.

All his talk of the other woman is too much I think. Sounds like he is trying to justify himself. He has probably had a lot of people asking him what he is doing so has got the self justification down to a fine art. At the end of the day it is very early days in his relationship with OW. Even if they do get married, have kids etc. she will not remain how she is now. She will not be Miss Easygoing when he is travelling on business and she is stuck home with teething baby, toddler and other son. Plus she will have the added knowledge that he cheated on you so could do the same to her.

His parents are probably horrified which is why they are helping financially so you and the twins won't lose your home. Outwardly of course they have to look like they are supporting him but they must be a bit ashamed.

The speed at which he is doing everything is very strange but I think it is because he has given up a lot to be with her and I wonder if he doesn't feel that confident things will last unless he makes it serious as soon as possible. The whole thing about her implying she might sleep around when he was on holiday with you was a bit weird, hardly serious relationship stuff more him trying to make sure no one else got her. Seems a bit immature.

I also don't really understand his 50/50 access in the future if his job is so full on. It doesn't make sense. It seems more something he is throwing in there so he can tell the twins he tried for it so he doesn't seem like a bad dad.

I feel really cross for you that he is ruining what should be beautiful years with your twins.

I would also ask solicitor about going after a share of his pension given how you won't be able to earn enough and pay maintenance/bills/childcare to save up for a decent retirement.

I Think you may need to be quite careful about your next step regarding the house.

Firstly, it is great news that he is offering to complete the mortgage and give you the house. But, this may be a very big sweetner he is planning. ie, give her the house push for 50/50 maintenance give you less money going forward.
You say yourself he is on a very high salary, and OWs salary is pretty good.
Be careful, he may well be planning, once he gets you off his back with the family home, he may well go ahead and buy a huge house with a huge mortgage and this could damage you in your divorce settlement. I find it strange he wants to get the "your" house thing moving so swiftly.

You need to sit down with your SHL and thrash out everything, before you agree to anything.
He has savings, this is important, he may need to give you halve. ( I could be wrong).
His pension: Don't let this one go, get a deal on this, you have been married 12 years and your earnings have been reduced, due to taking time off work.
Inheritance: You may well be entitled to some of this.
Let his DP loan him the money, I hate to say this, but you need to look at everything, start planning with your SHL, exactly what you need to go after.
The house is the least is could do after the way you've been treated.
Work smart.

I meant to add, find out exactly how much is left on the mortgage, it might not be that much, this is all relative, based on his earning, pension, savings, inheritance ( you were married when he received it) and future earnings.

Get the house then sell it and buy a lovely new one.

Phee, I have been following your posts but just didnt think I could add much more than the support you were getting but I hope you realise how many people are rooting for you, not just the ones who post.

Also whilst writing, I really have to express what a moron your ex is. A complete and massive selfish idiot. I've been wanting to say that for ages!

Keeping kicking butt!

It is often said on Mumsnet "when someone tells you who they are, listen."

He said to you the support she gives him is like nothing he's ever had before he said it's all selfless.

What that means is that what he wants is a selfless woman. One who does not consider their own needs and wants as important as his. Everything is about his wants and needs. That's what he wants from a relationship. That means he is totally and utterly selfish. He is actually admitting it.

As an aside, when my aunt got divorced as her 'd'h was sexually abusing her daughter, she had to give half her inheritance, which was a very considerable amount of money. It was disgusting (although tbh, I think she wanted rid so didn't want to drag it all out too long).

Phee, I am sure you are entitled to half the inheritance and savings. I know it's not all about money, but yes, the house may be considered less generous if he is doing it so you won't chase the rest of his money.

Balloon, you are so right! I missed that, but have always sensed this about him just via Phee's posts. OW is either going to be in for a shock (and their relationship for some fireworks), or she is the type to roll over backwards for her man. We shall see, but I wouldn't want to be her.

We both have savings and ihnertinace money. Only kept in different accounts because each bit of money was for different things eg one account is for holidays, one for house repairs / emergencies, ones for house improvement etc. so he'll be entitled to half my money as well.

I'm thinking it's easier to take the house and say I'll walk away with my savings and my inheritance money from my grandparents. I guess I'm not thinking clearly on that and I'll try working out with my solicitor what works out financially better.

Phee, you really are the most wonderful awe inspiring young woman. How you handled the mediation is jaw dropping and I have the upmost respect for you.

Please take the house, and get it all sorted out soon, because with the house the world is your oyster.

As for things having gone on longer than you thought - I don't think so given that your husband is behaving like a teenager.

xxxx

Been thinking about you all day phee I know that my x definitely gave me the house out of guilt and excitement at being free to persue his new life with ow. As time went by he most certainly would have changed his mind and got as much as he could for him and her I urge you to strike while the iron is hot. I cannot tell you what a difference it has made to my life and the children's life to have this house, it gave me the future that I thought I had lost.
I also definitely believe that he is acting out of euphoria which leads me to believe he is not thinking straight whatsoever and his world will come crashing down very soon.
In fact his behaviour at mediation is very indicative of his current unrealistic state of mind.

I meant to add, find out exactly how much is left on the mortgage, it might not be that much, this is all relative, based on his earning, pension, savings, inheritance ( you were married when he received it) and future earnings

Totally agree. Let your solicitor work out what's fair and consider that proposal rather than trying to work it out for yourself.

"My wife just doesn't understand ME"
Me, me, me ...
He's spouting the same old bollocks said by a thousand others before him. Will OW be so supportive when she's picking up his crusty pants from the floor, when they are arguing about who takes the bins out or unloads the dishwasher. Will OW encourage him to go out when she's been up all night with a sick child or be mighty grateful that he gets to travel to America and she has to wait in for the man to fix the roof.
He is living in Lala land where life is full of excitement and store room blow jobs, where kids are cute and fun and we all live together in domestic harmony (and where he gets to do exact what he wants all of the time)
He's a total plonka and you are bloody brilliant

Phee, Fab Phee I have nothing to add to all the recent wise posts!
but I will write- I will ramble a bit- do a bit of noise around you- you do not have to read me-
**
We feel your pain and how overwhelming the mediation must have been for you. But we can tell that you have done very well in the mediation!
You are lucky to be yourself and the twins are lucky to have you as a mum. Trust me soon you will feel that all this tragedy is a blessing in disguise. Have you read the thread of this MN lady who just updated us on her divorce (he left her after more than two decades of marriage) for OW a year ago) and within six months her social and love life started blossoming again (she reconnected with a friend from school I think!). She called her thread: Life goes on

This man you trusted - this man you thought understood your most hidden thoughts and your deepest thoughts without you having to talk- is now a stranger; worst a torturer. You waited for many years (more than 7 I think) to have your adorable twins- all this waiting time you have been investing yourself to build for them a warm and comfy home a secured future. And here she comes - a blow job in the cupboard - a friendly divorce- and she whisks him off, this man who was able to build his career with no worries about everyday life burden because you took on yourself all this burden- and in the space of few months she might carry his baby. You waited 7 years and more! and again you waited a bit more and you were convinced that he wanted to have another child with you as deeply as you wanted - but in your dream/nightmare his next baby will be with her.
You believed that he protected you and your twins and supported your deepest feelings and wishes - but he now speaks and his words are just destructive and you need a third party (the intermediary) to secure the best for your common children- the adorable innocent twins!

It does not matter why he is willing to give you the house. It is yours: you invested a lot in it. All his earnings power it is thanks to you that he got it. Because of your sacrifices the house is up to high standards and he earns a lot whilst your earnings power has gone down for many years to come.
Remember all this when you negotiate the settlement process. His parents and him are not making you any favors - It is not charity. It is just some actuarial capital you are entitled to because of your investment and the earnings opportunities you lost and will lose for many years to come.
But please be quick and get the best settlement.

About custody:
1- Does WF has a 50-50 custody?
2- More I read about the 50-50 more it looks as if it is a bad idea, especially if the parents are living in different locations following the divorce and if there are half-siblings who live with their parents on a permanent basis. The children are not able to have any roots. And if their half-siblings or the WF's child are living on a permanent basis with your STBX and WF then this will almost certainly negatively affect them. - it is like literally applying Salomon Judgment: splitting a baby in two. It is unfortunately the kind of Justice hey conduct in Brussels!
You will have to continue to fight. For their sake.
In his lexicon: a woman that gives BJ to married man is a selfless woman but a woman who fight for the well being of her kids is a hysterical and unreasonable man. Well believe me in his linguistic distorted world I want to be just a selfish bitch! Really you are well ridden of him.
8
About their future:
Who cares? She is now on her knees- she might remain on her knees- she might bring him on his knees- they might breed in cupboards- but who cares??????
Hopefully you will have the house- you will make it fully yours- you will fight to keep your twins- you will see them grow and enjoy them- you will have a job and you will have more friends- and you have your DB and your deaf friend and your nice parents.
Soon you will start working.
I hope that soon your solicitor will come up with a satisfactory financial settlement.
And the kids: no to the 50-50 custody even if WF has a 50-50 custody. You are arranging your working hours around the twins- you have always been arranging your life around their well-being- he is working long hours-
so they are better off with you and just with you with just some week-ends with them. (And no WF until they are for about a year together.)
**
How are your twins? Do they feel better? Is the ear infection gone? (Oh! how kids suffer from ear infections! they can't sleep they can't play they go mad!)
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Another thing: can you have some counseling for you? you are coping extremely well and we all admire you. However if you feel that you are bottling up too many conflicting emotions and thoughts (it is so human to still love him...) then maybe a counselor can help you.
Focus on your well-being as well as on the twins well-being.

Good Night dear! Hugs to you and the twins!

Massive well done for what you've achieved at mediation. It seems like you've got across what you needed and established some much better boundaries.

Agree with everyone else, that the financial settlement must go through SHL. Frankly, if he could liquidate his assets and pay off the mortgage then you should be entitled to the house PLUS some portion of the pension etc. Choices you made jointly such as having kids and being a SAHP will impact on your earning potential - these aspects would be assessed correctly by the SHL.

Regarding 50/50, I would say only this: a parent who is 10/90 during the relationship is not likely to morph into a different person.

Finally, do you remember early on people saying that he HAD to make out that WF was on a par with the Virgin Mary? The only alternative is to admit to himself and everyone else that his actions were the result of following some fairly base human desires with utter disregard of anyone else. Much easier for him to brazen it out.

I really appreciate all your advice and thoughts i find them very useful especially as i feel completely lost when trying to work these things out.

Today has been a very long day my poor little girl is very poorly with her ear infection. I've only just managed to get her to sleep. I feel exhausted but my mind is racing

I'm sorry but I laughed out loud at his explaining how WF is always happy for him and supportive of him. He is utterly self absorbed and I wonder if, when you reach the point where you can look back on your marriage objectively, you'll find that beyond the rose-tinted spectacles of the love you had for him, that he was always selfish, you just didn't notice.

WF will be utterly exhausted keeping up this dream partner act long term! It's not sustainable.

I've just stumbled upon a thread in relationships called Hobbits Bar and I wonder if you might find it helpful. Lots of women going through similar situations to you, some of whom had threads of their own which I've been on before. Just a thought.

Sorry to hear about your DD... Poor little thing. Hope she's better soon.

Re the inheritance (yours), does he get any of that, even though it's a bequest? The thought of him taking any of your money makes me

Please do come over to Hobbits Bar Phee...we've all been/are in your shoes...it's a good place to vent...