Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

I could know that I am marrying George clooney.. Still wouldn't introduce him to my Ds for a long, long time!

Phee it's another step in a horrendous process. The house, however , secures you and dts future

Phee, sorry to swear, but fucking well done. Really. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you whilst you were shaking and reading out what knew was right for the DTs in front of him whilst he's talking about "following his heart" and getting grumpy with you.

the idea his parents will lend him the money hurts me…

You know what? My instinctive reaction when you wrote that his parents were lending him the money was exactly the same as yours. That must be incredibly painful after 12 years since you were teenagers. So hard. I think you had said from his brother's affair that you knew they'd back him wholly, but it doesn't stop it feeling like a knife in you that it couldn't be a case of them calling you up and saying ,"we'll do this to protect you and the DTs but he's an utter bastard and we're devastated he's done this…

…they are devastated, they probably won't ever admit it, and that wound will heal. Your family love you so much and will help you through this. Get it signed over to you asap because this is about you and the DTs and the security and freedom you so rightly deserve.

The story will out (it always does) about the timeline with WF and what an utter betrayal of you and the DTs it was. No one with half a brain cell and an ounce of heart is going to think "yeah, but he "gave" them the house." I'm so glad you have it, but it doesn't erase one tiny shred of how despicable they've been. If he'd forced you out the house then, yes, people would have thought even worse than what they already think… doing the basics to make sure his children are secure does NOT suddenly make people think… "hmmm, he's not so bad after all". It's the basics of what a parent should do, it's not some sort of angelic action. He's not emerged from this smelling of roses.

It might not have been your ideal outcome of you and H talking for the first time but you stood up for you and the welfare of the DTs and, although you feel like shit now, one day you will raise a glass to yourself in recognition of that fact that you managed to say your bit and stand your ground under such enormous pressure.

I'm pleased for and (dare I say it because it sounds so patronising from someone you've never met but it is sincerely intended...) proud of you.

Ophelia firstly, you did brilliantly in mediation. You are so strong. Much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are indeed a lioness, and your cubs are lucky to have you.

Secondly, unfortunately I disagree with the guilty notion of your dh. He isn't guilty. I don't say this to hurt you, but it may.

He wants a smooth transition. He wants to live happily ever after with ow. This means he doesn't want any trouble, any fighting or anything standing in his way. He won't want anything to jepodise losing ow. Whether that is because he thinks himself to be madly in love, or whether it is because he will have to face the realisation that he has thrown his life away for nothing is anyone's guess.

You can still use this to your advantage if you so wish. Probably more so than if it was guilt, as I'm guessing guilt would run out sooner.

clam -v well put!

They may last - but what a foundation. Moisturiser for those sore knees madam?...

Ignore the name calling. Really. He is a child being petulant for not getting his own way. And - the whole oh so serious - again - if he didn't play that up then he looks really really bad. It's not his heart he's following... Think he needs an anatomy lesson refresh!

Fucking hell phee you did so well and I'm so happy you stick to your guns and kept some dignity, well done.
As for the perspective settlement here me in this.
I got my house too and am now in my 40s with a great house that has mega equity and has allowed me to bring up our children in a great area and attend fab schools.
I am remarried now and eventually dh and I will be able to be mortgage free with some money to enjoy our older years.
At the moment it means nothing I'm sure but you really are set for life from all this and it really will eventually help compensate from the appauling treatmebt you have received.
You have been extremely brave, not surprising you occasionally fall for a bit.
Bless you.

I also urge you to act quickly befire he changes his mind.

The other thing is that I absoluteky promise that in time what they do won't bother you at all.
Xh had a baby with the ow about two years later but by then my life was so happy and fufulled it went over my head.
Keep driving forward, you are totally fabulous.

An alternative to a pension would be to downsize the house when you want to retire and live off the equity realised. I would guess this is some way into the future for you, but once the twins have flown the nest you may not want to keep on a family home on your own.

As a man, may I add my congratulations to those of the MNers who have supported you on the outcome of your mediation. May I also offer my heartfelt sympathy for all the other dreadful things you have had to suffer. It's not much help to you, but I just couldn't imagine doing such awful things to my wife.

Well done Phee! That sounds horrifically hard, but you did it. Take the house, take the money and he can swan off into the reality of what he's done. It may work between them, who knows, but you are a damn sight better off without him. Might not feel like it now, but you really really are. Well done again.

Phee - longtime lurker - you are amazing, full of courage and beauty. It might not feel it through the lenses of ground shifting change - you truly show grace in how you are working your way through. Be proud of being who you are.
It has been a busy series of threads full of love and care for you and your beautiful twins. When you are facing a tough moment, close your eyes and feel the comfort of all your supporters.
You are stronger than you realize and your twins have the greatest gift in life through your love and protection.
Take care Fab Phee

Well done Phee. You are a strong and amazing woman who have fought for what is best for her DT. Agree to getting the house transferred as soon as possible. I think in his mind, he sees you and DTs living there but it has not occurred to him that you might find someone else... When that occurs, he might change his mind.

Have a good rest you brave woman.

Congratulations on the way you handled the mediation session, Fab Phee. It is a massive achievement that you didn't crumble in the face of your H's stubborn unreasonableness about the OW meeting the children immediately. Just from that point of view, I would consider the mediation session a huge success, despite leaving you as drained as it surely did.
I think you would be right to accept the house on those terms, as it will assure a future for you and the twins, whatever you decide to do about it later on. Clearly your H inherited his lack of emotional intelligence from his parents, judging by their callous behaviour towards you.
I am so sorry you are going through this terrible time through no fault of your own or of the twins. I do agree with vertigo that despite all the support you are getting in real and virtual life, counselling, sooner rather than later, might be of great benefit to you, to help you come to terms, as you unfortunately must, with this rude shock you have had.
I hope you and the twins are sleeping well and maybe you could get your parents to come over and help out today to let you sleep a bit? I wish I could help you myself.

Well done phee, how well you've done. You had to really hear some appalling things but it sounds as though you managed wonderfully, and most importantly, acted absolutely in your DTs best interests. They're lucky to have you.

I can understand why you're having those dreams and can't imagine how painful it must be. I also can't imagine their relationship lasting given its beginning but I'm sure in time you will be able to let his shit go over your head.

I'm glad you're getting the house but sorry that his parents are being so distant. I find it incredible that they're not offering you support. In terms of the money, my initial thought is that this may be their warped way of supporting you, ie by enabling H to give you the house. I would like to think they have some sort of conscience about this. But their lack of contact is bloody cold hearted and makes me less surprised at your H's behaviour given they raised him.

Hope your dc is feeling better today and you are all able to enjoy a bit of time in the lovely weather. I'm off to buy ds a lawn mower which is also a bubble machine....

Wow you really held your own. That must have been hard.

However a word of caution.

Your H does what he wants when he wants.

There is nothing to stop him being the bastard we know he is and just start taking the twins to OWs the very next time he had them and from then on

There is nothing to stop him booking up the holiday, getting passports, applying to the courts and/or even just taking the DC on holiday.

Be prepared for him to act his worst and it can never be as bad as you think.

On the plus side the next 9 months to 1 year every other weekend sets a routine/living pattern that won't be easy to change.

You have done a fabulous job, well done being so strong and getting through it. I'm truly in awe of you.

Sounds like you did fantastically and won quite a lot of important victories.

You got:

• him to buy you out of the house, this is pretty much a declaration by him that you are the injured party and will be seen as such by everyone. You can always sell it and buy somewhere that is "just yours" once your name is on the deeds.

• his parents are helping him fund the above. I think you can see this as a way of them trying to do something for you to make up for their son's behaviour. They can't cut him off, he's their son, so they can help make life easier for you. Again - another acknowledgement that you are the injured party.

• you got your way about the holiday

• you got your way about the not meeting the OW for 9 months. And as a special unexpected bonus this has fucked up his plans to move in with OW.

• you got your point across about the OW's "helpful comments" about your DTs.

These are all pretty significant victories. However they don't feel like victories to you because you didn't want to have to be winning them in the first place. But the fact that you squared your shoulders and went into battle to win them despite wanting to curl up and die is what makes you so fantastic. You are Warrior Phee, fighting for your DTs.

Bloody well done.

I think that him giving you the house outright is a massive win that gives you a lot of security for the future.

bjrce I've been questioning the time line of their relationship recently. I can't help not I've seen the evidence that shows it starting after Christmas in the new year and H has sworn till he's blue in the face it all started then but it doesn't sit right how fast they are moving for what is essentially a few month old relationship that started in deceit. I an only guess it's been going on longer in some level or that because they know they've ripped so many lives apart they have to make it work now otherwise it www all for nothing.

It stung a lot. He talked about how the support she gives him is like nothing he's ever had before he said it's all selfless and she is just always happy for him but still talks things through objectively where as with me he always felt like I wasn't really happy for him or he had to do stuff lole work on the house to make it ok with me. Which wasn't the case at all! He had a very demanding job which meant long days and having to be away with his boss so yeah sometimes I wasn't thrilled when I was left holding twins while he was in London for half the week or off to Belgium or America for a couple of days. He sounded so resentful it hurt so much because i felt like I always supported him but he said he felt like e always had to have a but with everything like I have to do this but it means we can have a holiday or do something to the house so it's worth it.

Hi Ophelia, I haven't commented before but have been "with" you since the beginning.

He's a bit thick really, isn't he? Of course you were fully supportive. He couldn't have done so well in his job (and had time and space to get his cock sucked in a cupboard) if you were anything but.

Wait until she is juggling twins and doing up a house while he is swanning off to America and London (and probably getting his cock sucked I a cupboard) and see how "supportive" she is then. He is living in cloud cuckoo land, desperately trying to convince himself and everyone else around him that he has made the right choice. But it is pure fantasy and statistics show it is likely to go tits up for him at some point.

Please, take the house while he is still in guilt mode. He will get nasty further down the line when he realises what a monumental cock up he has made.

He has no business talking to you about how wonderful she is. Tell him you do not wish to hear any more about his WF, you are not interested. Shut him down every single time.

The fact he is still trying to justify all this to you speaks volumes IMO. He is not certain he has made the right choice, not at all.

All I take from that Phee is that he's attempting to justify his behaviour and the fact he cheated, in front of the mediator. Doesn't make any of it true.

He is trying to imply that you are partly responsible for the breakdown of your marriage.

YOU ARE NOT!!!!!

He cheated, you didn't

You have acted with dignity throughout, he has not!

The more I read, the more I truly feel you are better off without him. He's like a petulant child

"My wife didn't send me off on my work jollies with a wave and smile every time....I'd better let some slapper suck me off in a cupboard. It's only logical!"

By the way, I can guarantee tht everyone they work with thinks they are pathetic and are laughing at them behind their backs.

Phee you are not ungrateful ! Never apologise for conducting yourself in such an admirable dignified manor. You're doing so well. Be kind to yourself xx

Oh Phee, that is truly pathetic. I can't believe (well I can) he's put the blame on you. What bullshit. You know it's not true.

It's easy to be wonderful and supportive and 'selfless' before real life catches up. Is he that thick that he can describe someone who was happy to carry on with someone's husband behind their back as 'selfless." Sounds as if he's living in a sad little fantasy world. So pleased you have the house it will give you so much security. Get it all transferred quickly before the bubble bursts in the love nest. One day you'll wake up and suddenly realise you're happy and life is much better without him.

Get the house offer in writing with a solicitor before OW finds out he's done it. Bet you anything you like WF has no idea that's his offer and is probably expecting a nice chunk of money etc.

phee I got told I was controlling and a nasty wife too.

"You woukdny even let me smoke a joint in the house"
"You should be grateful I never hit you"

God how fabulous that she is so supportive A FEW WEEKS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP! what a load of shite. Of course it's like thst at the moment with no pressures if life!
She's saddled . Herself with a selfish narcissist, let's see how Marvelous she is in the future.

Get that house sorted ASAP as I said, my x did the same but I know he'd have changed his mind in a short space of time.