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Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/06/2015 21:28

You did really well Phee I feel so stupidly proud of you.

I wonder what the mediator was thinking, given that they're not there to take sides.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 03/06/2015 21:35

I'm still unsure how i feel about the house situation. In many ways its a dream come true i get to keep this house i've put blood sweat and tears into. I always put up with H having a very demanding job because it was building our future and he really made the house wonderful so the idea it would be snatched away from me was heart breaking and made me think a lot of my sacrifice had been for nothing. However the idea his parents will lend him the money hurts me because I feel like they are doing everything they can to make sure their precious son comes out of this all smelling of roses. he claims its because he doesnt want me and the twins to lose the home because "he is following his heart" but really I think its because everyone will go wow what a decent thing he did and also makes it so much easier for him to just run off into the sunset with OW no messy house sales or buying one or the other of us out.

I may have just written something that sounds completely crazy but i needed to get that off my chest

I realise I sound incredibly ungrateful so i apologies

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 03/06/2015 21:38

Or... they're trying to minimise the shame he has brought upon himself from abandoning his family for what started as a BJ in the stationary cupboard.

You did brilliantly, well done Wine Flowers

Fearless91 · 03/06/2015 21:38

Phee it's not often threads have a real affect on me, but yours really do. I often think of you during the day hoping you're okay and often check this thread. Not because I'm weird, but because I (along with all the other posters) genuinely care about you.

You have done AMAZING.. From the very beginning and from what you said it seems as if you did incredible telling him how it'll be. Honestly you should feel so brave and proud of yourself. It has proved what a great mother/person you are.

Take each day as it comes. Try not to think too far ahead (sometimes it's needed I know) but for now concentrate on getting through each morning then each afternoon then each night.

You've done brilliant. Flowers

Vivacia · 03/06/2015 21:39

Very few people need ever know about the house situation. If he tells people and they mention just raise an eyebrow and say, " oh, is that what he told you?".

HexBramble · 03/06/2015 21:40

I second what GERTI says.
This is taking every ounce of your energy and being a Mum to a poorly little one on top of all that is enough to put you in survival only mode.
One thing is certain, you really are one incredible lady.

Lilacflower · 03/06/2015 21:42

Just wanted to say well done for Monday. It sounds like a horrific situation but you still managed to get your points across and it's especially good you put your foot down about OW.

I know what you mean about the house, have your PIL still not been in contact ?

Vivacia · 03/06/2015 21:43

takes deep breath

Also, sometimes he's going to get it right. He's going to make good decisions.

Doesn't detract from the shit he's done. It just makes him human.

Something similar happened to an ex colleague of mine. When one of the daughters grew up and got married, he was there, as was the OW-now-step-mum, but it was mum who walked her down the aisle. Spoke so many untold truths that.

HexBramble · 03/06/2015 21:44

And why should you feel any emotion about your home? Certainly not guilt. It's exactly what the pp said - this is his parents and his attempt to cover up his sordid little blow job moment and turn it into a love affair. FFS, most folk will see through it. You've worked damned HARD for your family Phee. You've loved and stayed loyal and true to your vows. Don't you ever forget that.

Jengnr · 03/06/2015 21:46

It's guilt Phee, he is trying to alleviate it with money.

Take it because further down the line I bet he'll have a rethink.

Well done for standing yours and the twins ground in mediation. You are doing so bloody well xxx

bjrce · 03/06/2015 21:48

No you don't sound ungrateful.

Its completely natural to think everything he does now, he has ulterior motive.
But the thing is, underneath it all, he probably realizes he has behaved very bad throughout this, and feels, quite rightly you deserve this, as you did nothing wrong to be treated like this.

Take the house and as a PP said, get it signed over to you as soon as possible. Over time once the guilt subsides people going through a divorce can change and may start going back on promises, I am not saying he will do this, but it is in your interests to get items like this in writing and finalized as soon as possible.

Rosieliveson · 03/06/2015 21:49

Wow, formidable, phenomenal, fantastic!
You did so so well Phee. It may not feel great now but one day you will be so relieved that you have protected your twins and their interests. Flowers

Chipshopninja · 03/06/2015 21:50

Wow well done I don't think I will ever stop being amazed by the strength and dignity you have shown through all of this

I say accept his "gift" of the house wait a month and put the fucker on the market, use the money to buy yourself and your twins a new home that's JUST yours...that's what I'd do anyway Grin

HootyMcTooty · 03/06/2015 21:51

It is guilt, but I'd accept it if I were you, while the offer is still on the table.

CaveMum · 03/06/2015 22:01

Well done Phee, you are doing so, so well.

I know it's early days but did you discuss the overall financial settlement along with the house? I only ask because DH's dad did something similar when he divorced DH's mum (he had an affair too). He gave her the house (DH and his brother were teenagers) in exchange for her relinquishing a claim on his pension. The upshot now is that although she owns her house she has a very small monthly income now that she is retired. DH's dad on the other hand has a very cushy lifestyle with his gold-plated pension (BMW driver, plays golf 4x a week, etc).

You've said your DH has a well-paying job so I presume he'll have a good pension too. Just make sure you get good advice from SHL on this one.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 03/06/2015 22:04

I think I will take the house - I don't know if I could handle selling it and buying somewhere new just yet but that could be an option. Really the idea of a mortgage free and "free" house would solve a lot of issues that have been keeping me awake at 3 am on the verge of a break down. I was trying to think how i would afford to pay a mortgage ...if they'd even give me one... I know houses still cost money and I plan to be back at work so will have some financial independence but still i was terrified about how it would all work out.

I forgot to mention the holiday - it took pretty much everything I could muster not to pounce on him and scratch his eyes out about that. He thought i was being petty by stopping the twins experiencing a lovely holiday just because OW would be there. H spent ages trying to convince me and the mediator how AMAZING she is and how beneficial the holiday would be. I won't say either of us were happy with the out come really. HE wont be taking the twins on holiday with OW and her son so yes that is great for me but all in all it was one of those situations where nobody was truly happy. He is still going on holiday with OW and son ...and i know this sounds as mad as it can but i was so jealous for myself and also the twins. He will be off playing happy families with her and her child Sad

OP posts:
mamaneedsamojito · 03/06/2015 22:15

Phee, you have balls of steel. I'm totally in awe. You stuck to your guns and although it sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant experience, he now knows you are not going to just sit back and let him do what he wants. You fought hard for your twins. Well done, Mama.

Christinayanglah · 03/06/2015 22:16

So she is quite happy for this complete stranger to become involved in her child's life... Sums her up really

Jackw · 03/06/2015 22:19

First holiday together is when it sometimes all starts going wrong. Just saying.

bjrce · 03/06/2015 22:26

Phee,

Don't worry about him going on holidays with OW and her child, I guarantee you, once the time comes round, you will be so relieved you stuck to your guns and didn't allow him to take the DTs. You will be in a better place in three months time.
He is not one bit happy about this, get ready for him to try and change your mind before the holiday. Don't even engage, he will try to make you feel guilty/unreasonable about it.
Fuck him!

FriendofBill · 03/06/2015 22:27

So he should give you the house.
You had a contract.
He broke it.

The holiday/time with OW will not benefit the DT's at all, just confuse them.
He is so shortsighted. Twat.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 03/06/2015 22:28

Christinayanglah he made it very clear he / they view themselves as a very serious couple. I honestly expect once the divorce is done and he's finally got the twins / ow in each others life he'll marry her ... i had a dream last night he came round to tell us he was having a baby with her. felt so real

OP posts:
vertigo · 03/06/2015 22:39

Well done. Allow yourself some time to not be composed - because you were composed when you needed to be - for your DTs and as a result have established some good ground rules both in their meeting OW and that her take on parenting is not necessary and, as others have said, the house deal is a good one. But - as an astute Poster said - accept with it not having any ties to any future provision unless that was discussed. DO NOT feel bad about this. Please. Trust me they can still come out looking/smelling rose like with worse behaviour.

Make changes in the house if you can (I found this tricky as our tastes were v v similar - in fact their new flat is decorated as I had done ours!) to your own needs. I hated the fourth empty chair at the dining table for example - it did help to change that!

All feels wrong tbh when in this scenario but as one who had to deal with buying ex out and him going for every penny - it makes yours slightly more palatable as their Dad.

And oh, you poor woman to have to hear that cruel chatter about following his heart. At the expense of his DTs and your hearts.

You'll come out of this - and I can only echo so many posts here - you are clearly a very sound woman - but it does so double the pain - the polar opposites as he helps himself to huge dollops of new unfounded happiness and you deal with the despair of the relatively new info and loss (and ear ache on top of you being ill) It will pass. Even this will pass. But I wanted to say I get, absolutely, the empty "victory" for want of a better word, a small gain in such loss.

Not now maybe Phee - but incase you choose not to continue on MN I wanted you to think about this for later as so much resonates (not just your situation but how you talk about yourself) - I had counselling after a bit. I avoided it initially as had immense double standards (what I wouldn't have hesitated to say yes to for friends who I admire and whose problem/issue suggested it would be beneficial to v applying it to me and thinking it was a non-coping thing. Was very good at turning on self) First session I talked 95% of the time and felt it a waste (and was caught out when she said its time to stop - oh yes it's a money thing etc) BUT keeping on and it was super useful to not have stuff CONSTANTLY in my head - I would feel/think something and save mulling it over until a session. It created some mental breaks from it all. A thought...

Sleep well :)

bjrce · 03/06/2015 22:40

Seriously, unless this whole affair was going on a lot longer than he claimed, and I know they knew each other professionally for some time before they hooked up, but it just all seems so rushed, He seems to be in such a rush about everything.

What's that they said " Marry in haste, repent at leisure!"
They may well stay together, but the way they are now will never last, There just seems to be just so much hysteria about it all. I suppose it remains to be seen.

clam · 03/06/2015 22:43

"he / they view themselves as a very serious couple" Hmm

Yeah, right. All the best relationships start with blow jobs in cupboards. I don't think I'd have been able to resist saying, "This is the same woman you referred to as 'wank fodder' not long ago?" just to let the mediator know. And to underline to him just how low your regard for his new squeeze is.

And as for him saying you're "being petty!" Shock Angry His arrogance knows no bounds, does it.