Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

I agree Ledkr.

Phee if you are reading this but don't want to post you can always PM someone on here that you trust just to say you are ok.

If you need anything and are in the Cambridge area I'm more than happy to help out in whatever way I can. Even if it's just a cake & wine delivery

Phee - as you can tell, there are a lot of us thinking of you (I've not been sure whether to post either and I'm sure there are many, many people who feel the same and haven't posted but have you in their thoughts). If you want to post or if you don't, you still, and always will, have all our best wishes and support either way. As we've said before; you don't owe us anything. We are all also 100% aware that it's unquantifiably more difficult for you to go through this in real life than it is for us to give bold and strong advice from afar. Whatever happened or is happening, whether you feel like updating or not, we are all still completely on your side - that won't change. Hope you're getting a chance to rest

Just another one saying I've been thinking of you, Phee. Hope you're okay.

Ledkr me too, very rarely post on Phees threads but always follow.

In my thoughts lovely (Phee not you Ledkr, although I'm sure you are lovely too :) )

I've only posted a few times but have been following closely and thinking of you lots..I really hope that you're ok xxx

If you're worried that this thread is being watched there's always the other place.

Phee If you read us but feel like we are violating your privacy, please tell your friend to write a post on your behalf. She can tell us fuck off it is none of your business. We will respect this- especially if we know that you are not on your own in this hellish situation.
We love you and we are all so sorry that we cannot offer you more than some virtual hugs and .
Good Night to you and to your DT!

If really like to find out thst phee is a troll because I can't beat to think of anyone having to suffer so badly.
I know shes not tho.

Sorry for being so silent its been a hard few days mediation was hard for me and one of the twins has an ear infection so i've barely slept for the last couple of nights. Like many of you suggested it all just became too much for me for a bit and I had to step back from everything and just concentrate on getting myself and the twins through the last few days

Ledkr i can assure you I am not a troll

Oh sweetie. I'm glad you are ok (kind of) thanks for letting us know.
Sending you strength and lots of good wishes. Xx

Phee

I'm sorry, you are getting it from all angles just now

That sucks. Things will start looking up soon Phee, please hold onto that. Remember that it's you going through this and looking after your DT as well. You're very strong.

Goodness me that sounds tough. I hope your dc feels better soon and you start to get a bit more sleep.
You're going through really such an awful time but you're doing wonderfully, you really are.

I think i've hit rock bottom when he left it was hard but the last few days have proved the hardest. He's acted like a complete bastard pretty much through all of this but sitting there listening to him talking for the first time properly since I made the discovery was shocking.

He wants us (me and the twins) to have the house doesn't believe they should suffer having to leave the home we lovingly built for them because he choose to "following his heart" I mentioned previously he's been lucky when buying and had a largish deposit due to inheritance so after 10ish years of paying the mortgage its not huge. His parents have offered to lend him some money combined with some he has in savings which will be enough to pay off the mortgage so he will give me the house out right as part of divorce settlement.

He offered me more in maintenance again - with the view he will have the twins every other weekend and one evening a week for tea. He would like to have them 50/50 eventually when he is more permanently settled and they are a bit older but he hopes the every other weekend will help them transition. He said if he had them 50/50 we might need to re evaluate the maintenance but would be happy to let me choose what i thought was best money wise

we discussed OW and my not wanting him to introduce the children because they need time to adjust to the idea that Mum and Dad are no longer together before we start to complicate the situation by adding in another woman and her child. I used a lot of the advice given to me here by so many of you (i was shaking as i read it all out) at first he tried to argue his point and even tried to use OW situation with her ex etc but I firmly told him that i wasn't interested as our DTs are for us to discuss not the OW and that I was their mother so would be making the decisions about what was best for them. Having a mediator helped I think because he couldn't "bully" me and make me feel like what he was saying was completely reasonable and I was unreasonable. I followed my Solicitors advice and had taken a written proposal of contact. I requested that he did not introduce the OW for at least 9 months and then it was a gradual thing where they were not exposed to her EoW all the time. i also said i would like to know before it happens so I am able to prepare myself. He was rather grumpy about it and admitted he and OW plan to move in together once his flat lease is up (6 months time) so he would like to start introducing them in a couple of months so by the time he's ready to move they are used to her. I said no (basically over my dead body) and if he wanted to live with OW that was fine but then he was not having EoW he could take the DT out for day trips instead. Obviously my response was considered a bit extreme too and there was a lot of discussion. I think the best way to describe it is begrudgingly H has agreed that he will tell OW that although he'll basically live with her during the week and on his non weekends he wont give up his flat and will have the twins there on his weekends / for his night for tea until 9 months (from this point i made him agree to that) have passed and then if he and OW are still together and their relationship is really looking like it will stay serious then we will discuss her meeting them and what happens next.

Phee, I am going to give you some firm advice and I hope not unwelcome. In my opinion, and experience, it is far far too early for you to be dealing with mediation. It has been a matter of weeks. My ex similarly blindsided me with having an affair and leaving out of the blue, I also had a very small (autistic) child. He took full advantage, attempting to serve me with divorce papers within days, blaming me (of course) for him being "forced" to leave due to my "unreasonable behaviour" not his affair. He thought I would just sign them and let him and OW off the hook. Luckily I woke up. It was 5 months before mediation was attempted and I found it one of the most profoundly emotionally draining experiences ever. It failed. We have only just, 16 months on from that, finalised the finances in court. He now wishes to return to mediation regarding DS that's another story. I believe your husband is trying to get you to agree to whatever he wants while you are on your knees, a common tactic. It is FAR too soon for your twins to be meeting the OW who the fuck does this bitch think she is and you need time to find your feet, if only a little. I would personally knock the mediation on the head for now and seek out some counselling via your GP. I know exactly how shit you feel and exactly what this process does to you. Take no notice of his wants, they don't matter a jot. Concentrate on you and your little ones.

Cross posted...I am sorry, should have refreshed first. You have done an amazing job, and I hold my hand out to you...let's hope that he keeps his side of the bargain. It is good to see you standing up to him, not before time. This is a first step...you have engaged him with amazing aplomb my darling! Well done!

Phee, I think you did BRILLIANTLY.

I disagree with the PP, mediation now is a good idea.

The law is not on your side here - if he wanted to introduce them to the OW tomorrow, I am afraid that no court will prevent that. So your weapon here is negotiation and it looks like you have come out of that with what you want.

Negotiation is hard - I had to do an exam on it at law school. It sounds like you would have smashed it.

Ah phee, I'm sorry , it's all so real now and it must be devastating for you

On a practical note I would get the house signed over as quickly as possible

I really am sorry love, you really don't deserve this pain xx

You have done amazingly, really really well done.
How dare he start bringing her into it.
She has nothing to offer your children, she has only taken from them.

50/50? He hasn't researched that then. Some of us can do that.

Good news about the house.

Bless you getting through my love xxxx

Phee that all sounds so so hard, but do you know what, you've done amazingly well. Im sure you must be completely drained by it all, I can't even imagine how difficult listening to him must have been, but despite all that you've stood your ground, insisted on what you know is right for your children and when the dust has settled I think you'll feel very proud of yourself for what you've done and rightly so.

Sorry one of your DTs has an ear infection, if he's on antibiotics it will clear up really quickly.

I felt so drained from it all because it took every ounce of strength i could muster to not cry, break down. I had to fight to stop shaking, keep my voice from cracking and mostly to fight back against his crazy OW is amazing and I just followed my heart so did us all a favour attitude.

I got in the car posted on here that I would update later and then felt like I barely made it home alive because concentrating was so hard. I didnt have the twins with me obviously but i was just so exhausted, drained, heartbroken and in physical pain from it all and having to see him and here him talk about OW and his plans for the future (living together etc) so when I got home i just couldn't muster any strength to open MN and post. I had to force myself to get through it all without just folding in on myself because i knew my twins needed me. Then when one of them got an eat infection it was just too much to handle the pain i was feeling and the sleep deprivation. I couldn't face anyone.

I feel like I went into some form of self preservation mental state where i function "going through the motions" because I had to but otherwise i was just a shell for a few days.

OMG, you were phenomenal. Like a lioness protecting her cubs. Phenomenal Phee! But gosh, yes, it must have been gut-wrenching. I am full of respect for you and hope you get a chance to take care of yourself a little bit now.

Jesus!, Well done Phee you did fantastic.

I know everything is so difficult right now, but you have shown such strength. I really hope you gain more strength as you move on.
Be confident in your decisions, don't let him push anything back on you.
It will be interesting to see how he interacts with you by mail over the next few weeks once he has digested this information.

I really wish you the best.

Phee, it is amazing how the body copes with shock. You have coped brilliantly - you got through it. You got your points across even under extreme stress.