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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:
ClareAbshire · 31/05/2015 17:08

Fuck that. Get angry Ophelia. This is an outrageous request. No way on earth would I be letting this happen.

TheRachel · 31/05/2015 17:13

Love GERTI's response.

laurierf · 31/05/2015 17:31

Yes, and as Rosie said before, there is no way to say how they will adjust and how this will affect them in the long term. There will be cases where things have been 'fine', but there is no way of knowing how this will affect them in later childhood years, adolescence and even as adults. If this is a permanent change, why rush things within the first year or so? Why take the risk? You are not blocking contact, you want the children to have an excellent relationship with their father, they are only 2 years' old and their whole lives are still ahead of them… why would you take a gamble on their wellbeing when building their security attachment with him as their father away from their primary carer and the family home, slowly, with gradual increases when they reach school age is what's recommended as a result of research findings? Why would you take a gamble? What's the hurry?

If he responds with 'well OW's son is wonderful etc.' then stop him: with respect to her child who is an innocent in all of this, you wholeheartedly and genuinely wish the very best for him (and that's true) but there is no way of knowing now how the child might be affected by rapid introductions at such a young age in the long term. Research suggests this should be handled differently. What valid reasons can he give for going against that when you are not blocking contact between him and his children?

SuffolkNWhat · 31/05/2015 17:33

Absolutely send GERTI's response

LondonRocks · 31/05/2015 17:45

Better still, get your shl to send it!

Dumdedumdedum · 31/05/2015 17:49

Yep, LondonRocks, I was about to suggest that Fab Phee now says that from now on, she only wants contact about all subjects, including access to the children, to go via her SHL.

Dumdedumdedum · 31/05/2015 17:52

PS He is just being abusive now. All this crap needs to be filtered by SHL. Unless the children are with him and he has a problem, all contact via SHL.

whereismagic · 31/05/2015 21:38

Unless you pay a fixed price diverting all communication through a lawyer can get really expensive. If they have to deal with it they invoice you, don't they?

HexBramble · 31/05/2015 22:20

Then the alternative is giving Dbro, DDad or DMum the job of acting as buffer to all communications. They can read all emails from H and that way, Phee has support and someone to discuss it with instead of having to deal with his bullshit bullying alone.

Sorry for talking as if your not here Phee.
GERTI and Laurie and others have so much material for you to focus on so I urge you to think about what they have said. I wish I could help you in RL, as do many of us I'm sure. This twatbag just takes my breath away with his cruelty.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/06/2015 01:23

I love this thing about him "not contesting" the divorce. How bloody deluded are these idiots? Despite his many affairs, mine tried to divorce me on the grounds of my "unreasonable behaviour" which he later admitted he'd "made up" as OW "couldn't" be implicated due to her "reputation" avoid married men is my advice sweetheart. Anyway, when I finally filed my own petition on the grounds of said adultery, he said he was going to contest, and get this, because his affairs were with men! He was actually prepared to say that...so be grateful Phee, at least your ex-twunt is a "real" man who is prepared to do you a massive favour and admit that he is in fact an adulterous POS.

Good to see you're doing so well...keep it up!

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/06/2015 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/06/2015 01:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/06/2015 01:37

Having also caught up with the holiday thing, this despicable pair think this is OK? My son is 4 yo. His father left when he was 2.5. He is so terribly affected by what has happened and his exposure to OW against my wishes has caused endless problems. My husband and his OW have absolutely no comprehension whatsoever of the damage they have done. Yours sounds exactly the same. Please stand up for yourself with this one...stand up for your kids. They don't need this bloody woman in their lives, she is vile. There is absolutely no way I would agree to this, because I know what it would do. Tell him to get stuffed. What an arsehole.

Dumdedumdedum · 01/06/2015 02:32

Whereismagic and HexBramble are quite right, I apologise for suggesting that you add more to your expenditure by taking everything through the SHL, Fab Phee. Apart from filtering/buffering via family, would it be possible to say that all this should go through the mediator, then? There has to be a way to get this idiot to stop constantly blindsiding you like this, with his increasingly outrageous demands?

Lilacflower · 01/06/2015 07:08

Hey Phee, hope the mediation goes well today.

SuffolkNWhat · 01/06/2015 07:10

Thinking of you today Flowers

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 01/06/2015 07:27

Thank you for all your messages and advice. I have been really silent I know but that's because I have been digesting all the information while trying to entertain the twins. I've felt really helpless again about this whole situation but your excellent advice and information has put me in a more informed place where I feel I can go into this with some fight instead of sitting there crying which was my previous option.

To all those that have asked I have the twins passport and Birth certificate. I am slightly paranoid about that sort of thing as my friend has siblings from her mums first marriage who were taken abroad by their father without her permission when they were young (3&6) and te mother didn't see them again for 10 years:

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/06/2015 07:37

You're doing brilliantly Phee and you never have to apologise. You don't owe us a thing.

Cacofonix · 01/06/2015 08:14

Yes good luck for today.

Ledkr · 01/06/2015 08:46

Phee.
You know what?
At the end of the day he walked away from his marriage and kids for soneone he had known a few weeks.
You have looked after them while he's been in bed/pubs/shopping/days out/ with his mistress.
Therefore you are the one making the decisions, you are the one who will mostly deal with the fall out.
Just say "no" to the holiday.
You know nothing about ow and what you do know is not reassuring.
They seem to struggle with sexual boundaries for a start.
U don't know anything about her past or her kids.
You wouldn't leave your kids with me for a week cos you don't know me so the same applies to her imo.
Good luck.
Just say no!

MilesHuntsWig · 01/06/2015 08:49

Good luck Phee! Hope it goes well for you.

I agree with the others that the holiday request is unreasonable. It might be worth pointing out to him that, while he obviously checked out of your marriage a long time ago, it's still only been 6 weeks for you and the DTs and he needs to start behaving in a more reasonable and empathetic manner.

What a complete idiot.

MerryMarigold · 01/06/2015 09:24

Yes, do bring up the holiday at mediation a part of the contact conversation. I think it will just help that he can't control you in that situation. Gerti and Laurie have great points. Maybe write them down as bullet points about contact with OW. Take care today. Xxxx

laurierf · 01/06/2015 09:27

Phee - exactly what Vivacia said! Don't apologise - you don't owe us anything.

Have it clear in your head - no matter what he says - you do not have to agree to anything. He is their father and you want them to have quality time with him for their sakes, but that should not be to the detriment of their stability and at this very young age, when they do not understand what is happening; there is no need for more overnights than you think is appropriate for them and that will be the case for some time to come, given how young they are and how rapid the changes have been.

You don't even know how long he's going to be living in his current home - the kids cannot keep being moved from one new place to another without you. This is not you being spiteful or vengeful or difficult or overemotional or unfair… this is you putting the children first.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 01/06/2015 09:27

Ledkr he's know the OW for at least 3 years. In his previous job they worked very closes together (both in small teams who had daily email and phone contact with each other all day every day) and for the last year & half he's been sat near her. They don't work as closely now but his team still have interaction with his.

I know the holiday is unreasonable but at the same time I feel I'm being totally unreasonable saying no. If he told me he's booked a holiday just him and the kids I'd have less issues with it after all he is there father! But because OW and her child are going in my head it's a NO situation but I feel like that's makes me sound insane.

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 01/06/2015 09:37

You do not sound insane. You are absolutely right that it totally changes things by her being there. It's completely inappropriate. I can't even imagine your poor twins being subjected to a week of their father with another woman. Not right at all.