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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 28/05/2015 14:09

What part of my post do you disagree with?
You think he has stepped up to his responsibilities?
Ophelia needs the break (two nights) but it is not in the children's best interests.
Everything he has done so far is because it has suited him.

Charley50 · 28/05/2015 16:36

WildBill - just the part about not relying on him.. It's not that I really disagree with you as I don't think Phee can 'rely' on him, obviously, after all he's done, just that he should have the regular prearranged days/ nights where he has the twins, and actually parents like he is supposed to, and Phee has a break.
(Sorry for long sentence). They planned their children together.

Charley50 · 28/05/2015 17:17

I'm thinking more in the long term. I agree that he has decided to walk away from his responsibilities, I think he's a total cunt, but I think that within time it will probably be in the twins best interests to stay with him 2 nights in a row.

Charley50 · 28/05/2015 17:18

Sorry, friendofBill not Wild Bill!

FriendofBill · 28/05/2015 18:37

Ah, so we agree Grin

How are you doing Ophelia?
Any news?

Rosieliveson · 28/05/2015 18:50

Hi Phee, just checking in to let you know that you've not been forgotten.
Hope you're doing ok Star

AndyWarholsOrange · 28/05/2015 20:16

Hi Phee, just to let you know I'm thinking of you xx

KaputKiss · 28/05/2015 21:11

Thinking of you often Phee

holdingontight · 28/05/2015 21:18

Just checking in to see how you're doing fab Phee. You have co e such a long way love.

Seems to me the pattern is he dictates, you stand firm, he sends awful communication, you process it as you need and of course it leaves you exhausted. Hope you're being as kind to yourself as you can be this week.

Some very wise and insightful posts ^^ and yes you need to start organising the routine -- something to suit you and DTs.

And if he has them overnight during in the week (if it suits you) it may not be so convenient as a weekend for him but he will have to work that out. The whole getting up, breakfasted etc dropped off in time for him to leave for work. Morning routines can be tough when you're on your own - it can't all be Disney dad photo opportunities for him!

KOKO girl, you are doing just grand.

Jackw · 28/05/2015 21:28

How do you feel about deciding on some regular arrangements for him to have the twins in order for him to have regular access, you to get some uninterrupted night's sleep and the children to have a regular pattern?

Think about what you would like. At the moment he is doing one overnight every fortnight. No wonder you are struggling, it means you have them 13 nights out of every 14. Would it be better if he had two overnights in a row to give you a full weekend's break. That would give you plenty of time to catch up on sleep but might be hard to cope with being without them for so long and also how would they cope being without you for so long? Would it be better if he did an overnight in the week every week? This could work for you once you are working as coping with interrupted sleep and work will be hard. But you need to think through the arrangements. Will he drop them back to you early, or take them straight to the childcare?

Dumdedumdedum · 29/05/2015 03:15

Good morning, Fab Phee. Just checking in to wish you and the twins well and hope you all had a good day yesterday, and a good night's sleep. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Dumdedumdedum · 29/05/2015 03:15

Good morning, Fab Phee. Just checking in to wish you and the twins well and hope you all had a good day yesterday, and a good night's sleep. FlowersFlowersFlowers

HexBramble · 29/05/2015 07:10

Still keeping my eye on you, my lovely. Hope you had a decent nights sleep?

OpheliaRose · 29/05/2015 07:18

I was really ill yesterday it was horrible blinding headache and felt like I was going to shiver to death but was burning up. Couldn't hold any food or drink down at all it just made me sick straight away.

I feel better this morning but I was really not good yesterday. My mum came over to look after the twins (and me) but it made me very aware of how hard it can be to cope in situations like that.

We're due to go to mediation next week to sort of formal child access and other stuff. I'm pretty nervous and don't really like the idea but mainly because I don't want to not have my DTs all the time! I never imagined being anything other than a 100% family. I understand I need a rest and he needs to take responsibility for childcare and access etc so I'm going to have to live with it. He still wants 50/50 but for a transition period is happy with every other weekend and 1 night a week. I would prefer every other weekend and one night for tea not over night.

Is mediation te best time to mention I'm going back to work and will be using childcare?! I guess it will come under finances.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/05/2015 07:32

I've had something similar to those symptoms recently Phee I think that it's going around.

I understand why you're feeling nervous about the mediation, but remember the access is for the children's sake. And to be blunt, I think you need the break when you can get it.

I would prefer every other weekend and one night for tea not over night.

Say this, but also have in your mind how far you would compromise and what you definitely won't compromise on.

I would tell him as little as you can about your plans, but hopefully someone better informed then me will be able to give you more helpful advice.

Ledkr · 29/05/2015 08:17

phee I had that yesterday, it was awful. I was on my own too and then dh finished late. I just kept the telly on and okder dd had to see to toddler.
I doubt he will ever truly have 50 50, HES not even found time to see them very much the last few weeks has he?
I guess mediation is the tine to point out how unfair it is that you only get half time with your kids when you are not at fault.
It's going to be hard though. It's a pity you have to do it.

NeitherHereOrThere · 29/05/2015 08:19

A bit of straight talking from me - I know you don't want to be away from the DT, but you really need to look after yourself and ensure you get all the sleep and rest you can in order to be the best Mum you can be. An ill and exhausted Mum is not what they need, especially when you go back to work.

This means having to allow the ex to have them for more overnights (e.g at least EOW and a mid week overnight stay). I know this will be hard but its about what is best for you all, especially the DT.

Charley50 · 29/05/2015 08:52

Hope you're feeling better noW PHee. I think EOW and one evening for tea sounds good. And maybe overnight that evening if it woRks out ok for the twins.
I don't think 50/50 is good for the twins; they need a secure base with you. I think there is evidence to show that it often isn't in the best interests of children.
Don't know what to suggest about telling him about your job or not.

Rosieliveson · 29/05/2015 09:09

I understand how you feel about the 50:50 access. It's like a punishment when you werent the one who did anything wrong. I have a friend in your position who says exactly the same. She is now further along in the process though and does enjoy her time when her children are with their father. She spends it with her new DP.
Mediation is for you both to set your case and try to agree. It isn't a time to be bullied into what he wants. You could suggest two evenings a week but not overnight then two overnights every other week. Whatever suits you and your children is what you should ask for. Mediation does fail, often. You do not need to compromise to suit him if you really aren't happy with the arrangement. I do agree with pp that you need some down time now though and shouldn't punish yourself by overworking yourself.
I don't think I would mention any changes in employment until you have a job set in stone and a start date. You could mention childcare however, as the children are nearing 3 this would not be unusual (15 free hours).
Thinking of you Star

Ledkr · 29/05/2015 09:22

It's sad isn't it because in our culture rightly or wrongly the. Mum normally does the bulk of the nurturing so not having her chikdren around all the time is very hard.
Luckily my ex was a dick so hardly saw our kids.
I do agree that later in the process you will feel the need for the break so maybe mediation is the time to r aise this and say you woukd appreciate being able to take things as yiours and the dts pace.
Id also get xmas sorted now too (look ahead at what weekend it falls on)

laurierf · 29/05/2015 09:49

Phee - I really don't know anything about this, so I hope my post is not massively unhelpful but I suppose I just wanted to air some of the things I would want to say and then I'm sure a more experienced/knowledgeable poster can say if/why it's not appropriate.

By the time of mediation it will only have been 6 weeks. You absolutely should not feel that you have to agree to something you are really uncomfortable with. It needs to be stressed in front of the mediator that it has only been 6 weeks since you were blindsided.

It is far too soon for to be discussing 50/50 access; for toddlers to be spending EOW away from their mother who has been a SAHP and primary carer their whole lives is already the very limit of what you think is appropriate for such small children who are already having to adjust to the huge change that he has imposed on the family. Yes, not being able to spend time with your children whenever you want to is a huge hardship for you when you have done nothing but be a loyal wife and loving mother; however, you are thinking about the welfare of your children first and foremost and you want to know that he is fully settled and established (say 6 months or whatever you decide) before you would feel happy about inflicting further irreversible change on your children (i.e. new living arrangements and new people in their lives).

I would just calmly keep pointing out that, for you and the kids, it's only been 6 weeks since your lives were turned upside down without warning. You need to find equilibrium before the family can cope with more changes.

"H, please be reasonable (which he will want to appear to be in front of the mediator) - 6 weeks ago the twins had a stable family and home and now that's gone. They are already having to adjust to a huge change - I'm asking you think of their well-being and to wait 6 months before disrupting their world even further. If this is a permanent change for life, then we should take our time - we spent 9 months preparing for their introduction to their parents and home, it's only right that we should prepare properly for this change after the shock we experienced as a family just 6 weeks ago."

As Rosie said, I wouldn't mention work to him until it's all signed and sealed and you've also had a few weeks in the job to make sure it's a permanent change for you. But, also, as she said, you could point out that he would need childcare at some point, which is yet another change for them, and so you might start introducing them very slowly and gradually to some childcare as they are now eligible for the 15 hours.

FriendofBill · 29/05/2015 10:29

If he goes 50/50, he will not have to pay maintenance, and you might not be able to secure the house.
I expect this is his motive, if he was so keen to do 50/50 you would have seen some indication of that in the last 6 weeks.
I would be very careful about access at the moment for the reasons I have mentioned.
Unless 50/50 is what you want and you aren't fussed about the house?

I would be making that point in mediation, the affair, walking out, no phone calls, insisting on them meeting OW.

Anything else to raise?

Dumdedumdedum · 29/05/2015 10:42

In any case, how would 50/50 be practical for him if he works full-time and long hours (presumably not all in the stationery cupboard) every day? Would the OW give up her job to look after them for him? Or would he cherry-pick and just take all week-ends and holidays?
Sorry you've not been feeling well Fab Phee, hope today is a little better for you.

HootyMcTooty · 29/05/2015 12:15

Oh Phee, I'm sorry you've been so poorly. Flowers

In most cases 50/50 simply isn't practical. I doubt it will be here. I do think he needs to step up more for the DTs (and you), but 50/50? No, I suspect, as others do, this is a cynical move to avoid paying maintenance.

Jenoftheweek · 29/05/2015 12:44

Hi Phee.
Sorry to hear you are unwell. With all the emotional trauma in your life you may find your immune system is a little ineffective. That was my experience with my marriage breakup. I had a year of really poor health.
My advice is to look after yourself as much as you can: eat well, sleep and rest as well as you can ( I know, twins!) take help where you can, maybe vitamin supplements and omega 3 oil? But most of all just be kind to yourself, no self criticism just awareness that your DH has let everyone down because he was not able to be a husband or father. So fuck him.