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Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 19:03

Adele

Im sorry, what horrible experiences you have had

AdeleNazeem · 26/05/2015 19:09

thank you Christina.. yes, pretty crap. But like someone said earlier, its not the hand life dealt us but how we cope

I think our Phee will do well. It too me a long time to realise what a rotten b*stard my daughters father had really been... I was still so in love with him.. but we have to look at their behaviours and try to let the scales fall from our eyes, heart braking though that process is

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 19:23

Adele

I am really sorry for what happened to you. You come across as a nice honest woman. I am happy that your daughter is doing well.
I believe you never lied to her about her father and so she did not have to go through some shock when she grew up. I also understand that you never prevented her from meeting him. That is really a big credit to you!
In fact you are not the other woman by definition because you did not know there was another woman and when you knew you left. Phee's OW is a disgrace and she is dragging us women backward to courtesans methods to win the heart of men.

Ledkr · 26/05/2015 19:49

I absolutely agree that it's harder to stay with a cheat than to get over it and move on.
I've read so much on mn from people who have chosen to stay with cheats and who, years later still live sad, insecure, uncertain lives full of self doubt and mistrust.
I had a few weeks of total despair followed by months of sadness whike I rebuikt my life.
After a year he was out of my head as well as my life and ive never looked back.
I have huge admiration for those who stay to make things work.

FriendofBill · 26/05/2015 20:33

You are bound to be missing him Ophelia, 6 weeks ago you were happily married making plans for the future.

As for why they do it...I see where you are at, just trying to understand and make sense of what has happened...but to understand you would have to be as self centered.

Whatever way you look at it, you deserve more than to be yoked to someone capable of that.

bjrce · 26/05/2015 21:23

Even after 6 weeks, the whole shock of discovering the affair and how the very next day, he bolted and appears to have never looked back is still very raw.
The shock and devastation of someone you have spent your life with for 12 years could act in this way, it doesn't make sense, but the thing is, he was having an affair, he had already, completely unknown to you checked out of the marriage some time before, but during that time had still managed to have a completely normal life with you. This was very callous.
That is why he feels justified in acting the way he does. You are way behind him, this must be so difficult for you right now.
The way he doesn't even appear to be remorseful, it is heartbreaking for you, that he doesn't even appear to need to see the DC as often as you thought he would.
If you are honest, you probably look forward to even just seeing him at the pick up/drop off with the DC. This is completely normal, even though he says hurtful things.
I know we all have advised NC, but none of us are going through your life right now. The thing is, every time you speak to him, you are always extremely upset afterwards. The NC route hard as it is, will be the only way you can protect yourself and start healing.
Even after such a short period of time you have achieved so much, with your SHL, your job and introducing new friends for both yourself and the DTs.
The best thing you can do right now is to continue to focus on your DC and keep your family and friends close. They will all help you through this.

Here's hoping those black out blinds work wonders tomorrow morning!

Take care of yourself.

Rosieliveson · 26/05/2015 21:43

I will never understand why anyone in a committed relationship would start a new relationship without having the decency to be open, honest and end things up front. I guess there is always an element of having ones cake and eating it!
I'll also never understand why any self respecting person would knowingly become the OM or OW. It seems crazy to me.
One day at a time Phee you will get through this and you will get over it, of sorts anyway. There will be difficult times but these will become fewer and farther between.
Thinking of you Phee Star

Dumdedumdedum · 27/05/2015 05:02

Good morning, Fab Phee! Hope you and the twins had a better night. bjrce writes wisely, I can only echo what she says - and even if your H can't appreciate you, all these women on mn certainly do! FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

W33ble · 27/05/2015 19:53

How has your day been Phee? Hope you've done at least one nice thing for yourself today. It's important to care for ourselves in turbulent times like these.

You mentioned you'd put up blackout curtains in the DT's room. Have you noticed that it's made an impact at all? x

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 27/05/2015 20:14

W33 They went to bed a lot easier the trouble is getting them to sleep through. last night one was awake at 12:00 then once i;d got him back to sleep the other one was awake at 3am. then they were both awake so in desperation i put them in my bed with me but all they did was fidget and thrash around so i basically got no sleep. Finally gave up at at 4:45 and just got up for the day.

I'm now very tired, grouchy and feeling very down.

I've just finished doing a load of tidying up after them and they are asleep (i hope) so prob going to bed soon. cant really handle this level of exhaustion

OP posts:
LaBette001 · 27/05/2015 20:35

You're doing incredibly Phee.

Sack off the tidying for tonight and catch up on sleep - you need rest more than you need a tidy pad this eve.

Flowers
chocolatedrops31 · 27/05/2015 20:56

Is there any chance of separating them if they're waking each other up and then doing some kind of mild sleep training? There's some good advice on the sleep board. Thinking of you and I feel your pain re sleep deprivation xxx

HoggleHoggle · 27/05/2015 21:01

That sounds really tough phee. I hope you have a better night tonight.

knowledgeispower · 27/05/2015 21:19

I can remember going through this with my DD briefly. Twins are a whole new ball game! Thinking of you Phee, hope you and DTs manage to get a good nights sleep tonight.

bjrce · 27/05/2015 21:45

Phee,

It does appear your H seems to have set a precedent in that he sees the DTs every second week for one evening and then takes them for one night at the weekend. Then you hear nothing from him on the week he doesn't see them.
I know it is very early days for you, but is this sustainable for you over the next few months until custody is sorted?
Is there anyone you can sit down with ( ie your family) to try and work out an acceptable arrangement whereby he takes them for some hours during the week. He really seems to be having it too easy at the moment, no wonder he's looking so well!. He certainly doesn't appear to be complaining about the lack of contact with the DTs. He seems happy for you to do it all. You do need a break.
I really don't know what would suit you or what would be acceptable to you, but can you really see yourself putting up with this long term.
Also, perhaps it might be time for you to start pushing back on him for a change and getting him to take on more responsibility with the DC.
I may be completely out of order even suggesting any of the above, but perhaps some other mums may be able to give guidance on what would be acceptable /helpful to you.

BessieBumptious · 27/05/2015 21:48

What bjrce just said, in spades.

Also, I don't recall you mentioning, but are DTs in separate bedrooms? If not, would it be possible to sleep them separately so one doesn't disturb the other? Just a thought...

magoria · 27/05/2015 21:57

I agree you need to build up to him having them more to give you a break if you are up to it.

I know you don't feel like it right now however you have a right to a life as much as him and when you are back at work this night shares will be tough.

FriendofBill · 27/05/2015 23:26

When I broke up with unreasonable ex, he would let me down wrt children regularly.
I think it's better to be in a position where you are not relying on him at all, hence me banging on (sorry!) about finding childcare options.
Clearly, he is not going to step up or he would have.

Get to a position where you are not reliant on him/counting on him/at his mercy... You don't want to be in a position where you feel you have to accept shit whatever he is dishing out in order to have some respite.
He has shown he will shit on you at any and every opportunity.

LondonRocks · 27/05/2015 23:28

Phee, can your mum come over and see to the twins for a couple of nights? So you can close the door, stick in earplugs and take a Nytol? You must be so tired, you poor love.

I hope you're sound asleep now Flowers

MilesHuntsWig · 28/05/2015 07:18

Morning Phee! Could you find a cheapy spa day deal (can often find them at local hotels) and take a friend and get twatface to look after the DTs while you have a proper break (if you like that sort of thing). Nice change of environment might do you good?

AndyWarholsOrange · 28/05/2015 08:35

Morning Phee How are you doing? Totally agree with everything bjrce said. He's just having everything on his terms at the moment.I found the toddler stage exhausting, I can't imagine how hard it is having 2 of them on your own. All my 3 have been horrendous early risers, I totally sympathise. It must be awful seeing someone you thought you knew so well turn into someone you barely recognise. You're doing so well, you really are.
When is your cupcake party?

Phoenix0x0 · 28/05/2015 09:29

Good morning ophelia

When my DC is unsettled/stressed her sleep is effected. She either wakes super early, thrashes about whilst a sleep or has nightmares. Personally, I think the DT are processing what is happening daddy house and a mummy house and are probably effected with the change in routine when with H.

He does need to step up. However, I would not rely on him as he is thinking only of his penis. The only thing you could ask is an overnight in the week?

I will also say that once you have decided on the childcare arrangements (nursery or CM), then I would slowly start sending them. This would give you much needed respite.

MaMaof04 · 28/05/2015 09:38

Good Morning Fab Phee
Nothing special to add to all the wise words written by the team of lovely women who are supporting you. As you know I also have twins. I know how hard it is to be with them 24 hours a day on your own when they are barely toddlers my connard was abroad for a long time and did not miss the opportunity to fuck an OW; in addition I had daughters in their teens who had to adjust to a new culture/language/education system. I did eventually take my kids to a full day kindergarten for the whole week even if I was not working. Expensive but worth every penny. (Your idiot must contribute to the fees BTW). And then the twins grow and they intensely love their mummy and you look back at when you were struggling to bring them to sleep and you have a heard -earned SMUG smile and a warm feeling in your hear your heart is now bleeding and hurt you a lot; but it is just like growing pains: your heart will grow and make place for the lovely little gifts of life and for your lovely twins, friends and relatives.
I hope you still managed to have some sleep.
Have an easier day darling! Flowers Flowers Flowers

MaMaof04 · 28/05/2015 09:39
  • A HARD EARNED
Charley50 · 28/05/2015 09:39

FriendOfBill, I disagree. He did ask to have them for two nights at weekend initially but it was felt best for the twins that he have them one night.
He is going to be in their lives forever hopefully and the more involved he is the better for Phee and the twins in the long term.

Twins are exhausting (I only have one DS and he was tiring enough when I was a single mum at that age). Phee needs a break and they need a dad (obviously not if he was abusive but you know what I mean...).

I actually can't bear my DS's dad, but I'm so happy for both of them that they have a strong and long lasting relationship that I have facilitated (and also that I get EOW and holidays off!)