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Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:
Newbiecrafter · 26/05/2015 13:45

hi everyone.

Please accept my apologies for my post earlier. I believe in a sort of karma. the kind that makes people, eventually, reflect and see what their actions have meant. There's only so much kidding themselves, lying to themselves that they can do and at some point in the future when the dust settles the reality of what he has/they have done will hit him/them in terms of realisation.

I didn't mean it in the something bad will happen to him kind of way.

Phee, you really are amazing. Just keep on keeping on, as previous posters have said. Sorry again.

xxx

cakedup · 26/05/2015 14:27

Newbiecrafter I don't think you have anything to apologise for.

I do believe in karma and this is an open thread where different people with different opinions and beliefs can contribute something if they feel it is helpful. I think the "please no karma posts" are very rude actually. No-one is allowed to dictate what other people post on here unless it is trolling or offensive.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 15:11

As usual many wise women said all the best advices that can be given. I just write to tell them and Phee that I read them and that I care of what they say and of how Phee feels.
We are all tying to support Fab Phee and of course we do dip in our beliefs- wisdom- experiences to do so. Some believe in some kind of karma and some do not. One of my belief: Life is good. Karma can be a bitch by this I mean that life is what we do make of what happens to us and what we make happen- and I call karma the set of all what we do not have control on. Some see in Karma some kind of universal manifestation of justice and goodness; some believe that we are all moral people and this is where Karma lives: being all moral the bad ones eventually realize how bad they have been. Karma in all its incarnations (?) make people feel stronger in the face of adversity. Why not? I believe that people with such beliefs in Karma are very good people. Some people are afraid that by invoking karma we justify inaction - a defeatist approach- or many unjustified hopes and illusions that fire back against us when they do not concretize. These are fighters or pragmatists.

As it has been pointed above, everyone is entitled to his beliefs and feelings. All of us on this thread have the same aim to help Fab Phee through.
Anyway Fab Phee - karma or not karma- I believe in good clothes- some make up- stretching the lips in a smiling position and being with many lovely loving people around- especially with kids whom we can make happy so easily! If you can have a nice dinner with a good glass of wine later on that would be a bonus!
I hope your CM arrangements are progressing well.
Lord how much progress you made in under a month!

At the start you felt ashamed and now you got the right attitude (that many reach after numerous counseling sessions): DimJim and WF have to be ashamed!
Good Luck Fab Phee and big hugs to your DT! [flower] [flower] [flower] [flower]

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 15:34

I think the "please no karma posts" are very rude actually. No-one is allowed to dictate what other people post on here unless it is trolling or offensive.

Well, I find talk about karma offensive. What crime did Phee commit to end up being treated like this?

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 15:35

Also, seeing as there's no evidence that karma exists, it's pretty fucking off to be telling Phee that her ex will get his comeuppance when there's a bloody good chance nothing of the sort will happen.

parsnipbob · 26/05/2015 15:52

I think you are over thinking it completely Viv. Everyone here is trying to be helpful, there's no need to be snappy.

eminthebigsmoke · 26/05/2015 15:59

I know the sentiment is well-intentioned but it's up there with 'everything happens for a reason' for me Hmm

Hope you're okay Phee and there haven't been any unsettling communications. The truth is working it's way out there and you don't have any reason to hide. Flowers

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 16:03

Hey girls did you read the thread @I have fallen for a married man' this OW is complaining that he is putting her on hold since DD- despite the fact that she explained him her side of the fence: she became the OW for him despite the shame Is anyone of you able to love that much a man1 what a wonderful magnanimous generous woman! - she spends week-ends and holidays on her own when he is with the family just a 7-year old son and a wife she wants him to discuss her future with her- she bombards him with mails calls all desperate- it is really heart-breaking how much she is willing to give for him and this son of bitch just put her on hold!

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 16:06

I think you are over thinking it completely Viv.

It's been said before Blush

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 16:07

04 that's unfair, trying to get a posse together. You've posted your piece over there, I'd leave it at that.

Ledkr · 26/05/2015 16:28

phee look how far you have come! well done.

Can I repeat my earlier message about thinking of yourself as a strong independent parent/woman rather than a poor sad victim.
I found that incredibly empowering.

Don't squabble on this thread either, it's not appropriate really.

It's often hard to think of the right thing to say to someone even though you desperately want to find the right words to help.

I think that if karma means that the good person will come out better then it's often true in cases like phee's as the leaver starts off delighted but is the loser in the end.

I'm sure phee knows that people mean well when they do post.

(Apart from that other moron a few weeks ago Grin )

HexBramble · 26/05/2015 16:33

Ma poor form. Phee's thread isn't an opportunity for a news flash. Where's your fucking sense?

HexBramble · 26/05/2015 16:34

Ah x-post. Not meaning to emphasise that derail/advert by Ma, there. Sorry Smile

aintgonnabenorematch · 26/05/2015 16:51

Poor form Ma. Very poor form.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 16:59

Ok I am guilty of bad taste and tact- sorry! I just deNo irony. My sincere apologies.

Christinayanglah · 26/05/2015 17:01

Good for you phee, getting out and about is exactly what you need. I know it's exhausting but you will start to enjoy it

Just think how far you have come from that first post , you should be proud of yourself x

TakemeforwhatIam · 26/05/2015 17:05

Hope you're doing well today phee, good for you, I agree "fake it until you make it". Just take it one day at a time, dont feel rushed because you think that's what other people want. You're doing fab Grin

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 26/05/2015 17:46

Just put up the black out curtains in an effort to combat the sleep issue with the twins. So fingers crossed they will get a better nights sleep tonight. That would help me a lot right now. I've been thinking about it all weekend and the lack of sleep since H left has been my breaking point.

I have to say personally I'm not a believer in karma but I respect others opinions on it.

im missing H quite a lot today it's been a sunny day and it's half term so I've seen lots of family's out and about having fun which was quite hard for me. We didn't book it but we'd talk about going away for this week with the twins so i keep thinking that over and over. Silly and pathetic I know

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 26/05/2015 17:48

I'm sorry for mentioning karma now, but it was a joke. sorry to derail Phee, it wasn't my intention. However, I do think Viv has a point. It's entirely possible that they might stay happy (that's not to say he doesn't/won't feel any guilt over what he has done), Phee I hope you find a place in time where you don't care what happens to him or her.

Phee my advice to you would actually be to stay away from all OW threads, there will be nothing you read that will make you feel better. What will make you feel better in time is socialising, at a pace you are comfortable with, wearing and looking however makes you feel comfortable and confident and able to fake it till you make it. You're already well on the way, even if it doesn't feel like it every day.

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 17:51

I'm sorry for my part in KarmaGate too Flowers

Go easy on yourself Phee it's such early days.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 26/05/2015 17:52

No one needs to apologies Hooty Smile

I've sort of resigned Myself to the idea that the OW and H will be together for a while he made it very clear to me he was in love with her. For him the affair wasn't just about sex he was in love and he left me for her because his feelings for her were more than he felt for me. One day I hope I find that easier to live with.

I do read the OW threads but mainly because I want to try and understand what makes them go for men they know are married. Is it a care of being duped? Or is it because they like the knowledge they are in a relationship that can't go anywhere ie are they both using each other or isn't because they enjoy wrecking peoples lives

OP posts:
Newbiecrafter · 26/05/2015 18:24

I'm so sorry too - honestly didn't mean to cause any more trouble or to derail this thread. Blush

laurierf · 26/05/2015 18:29

I do read the OW threads but mainly because I want to try and understand what makes them go for men they know are married

I'm certainly no expert. I've only ever been good friends with one OW (we're not friends anymore because I was too 'judgemental' when she started the affair with a married man). She would say that it was never something she would have chosen and she wished he could have been single when she met him, and it was so hard, blah, blah, blah… but it was so clear that the fact that he found her so desirable he would leave his wife and kids for her was a major factor in it… that boost to her fragile ego was enormous. It went to shit eventually, once the novelty wore off, when the reality of a 'normal' non-illicit relationship kicked in + maintenance payments and all that stuff. I have to say that I only personally know of one marital affair that hasn't gone to shit eventually and then the cheater is all 'tortured' if their spouse has moved on and won't take them back… but of course other people will know of some enduring relationships that started off with a marital affair.

MaMaof04 · 26/05/2015 18:36

Ophelie love
there are books written by OW. If you want I can find you links. Many will not like what I say: but if we understand their mind then it might help us overcome the heartbreak more easily.
Ophelie I will say something that might be tactless (so many social faux-pas today!) and please do forgive me for that:
I do envy you a bit. Your heart bleeds but your situation is clear cut and the path forward is cleared. You do miss him a lot and your pain will be triggered whenever he comes to pick up the kids and whenever you see them together. However time will heal you, completely because your heart will eventually see what your mind sees: he is not worth your suffering; you are superior to both of them. Moreover it will be so easy for you to explain to your twins what happened. Look I have to work hard on myself to stay in the marriage for my kids sake even if he regretted straight away the affair and has been working hard at atoning his misdeeds etc Before DD I always advised friends to do their best to keep their relationships together for the sake of their kids; I did not imagine how hard it is; Ophelie I am going mad sometimes; I do miss what he was for me before the affair; he will never be it again; Ophelie our husbands died in the bed (or cupboards) of the OW. I have to allow a new husband that I have not chosen to be in my bed. You do not have to do that.
Please forgive me if I have not spoken from your point of view in this post. I can imagine how painful it is to get up one day and all your life has completely changed: a dear husband gone to another woman (a WF) and having to raise the twins on your own. However I think that in the long term you will see that it was a blessing in disguise; you deserve much better than a man who is not emotionally grown up.
I hope your kids will sleep well and that you will be able to sleep a bit tonight! Flowers Flowers Flowers

AdeleNazeem · 26/05/2015 18:53

I was the OW. Twice.
The first time, I had a two year relationship with a man when I was in my mid 20s and he was early 40s. I genuinely had no idea... it was 20 years ago so no mobiles, he spent 5 or 6 nights of the week with me, we'd been on holidays, he spent new year with my family, etc.. it wasn't until I got pregnant with our daughter that I found out what he was up to. He had been deceiving both his long suffering wife and me (i was his second affair). I was utterly, utterly devastated. Heartbroken.
A few years ago I was involved with a man I met through a dating website who told me he was separated .. he wasn't.. twigged after about 8 weeks (too longer as he was living elsewhere for work).

In both these occasions the men deliberately lied and since we have split up I have experienced all sorts of crap they have tried to pull over both of our eyes (myself and their wives). I moved away from the first man, extremely manipulative, abusive and unkind. The second man, had been all sweetness and light when I met him but when I discovered the truth I must admit I went a bit apeshit. He attempted to leave his wife for me, and when i said I didn't want him, he went back to her/their kids, but was continually contacting me. I was cruel, I know, but I told his wife what he was playing at as she found my number in his phone and contacted me. I had a horrible time, he was threatening and unkind because I would not play his game and lie for him, I ended up going to the police to get him warned to leave me alone :/

I know my experiences are not typical, but I do feel that if a man is going to have an affair, he will lie to himself and to you. Claim the new relationship is amazing etc as others have said to justify their behaviour.

I will be honest; I am still devastated at what my daughter's father did to me even though this was many years ago. One minute I was pregnant with a wonderful boyfriend, next I discovered it was all a lot of fakery. But you will recover lovely Phee and there will be new relationships for you. My daughter and I are incredibly close; I have brought her up alone but she is now a wonderful girl just off to university. I am ridiculously proud. She doesn't see her father these days, that is her choice as she sees what a weak and selfish man he is.

Your children are your priority and they will keep you going. I would recommend making new friends who are lone parents too, meet up with them and hang out, they will get you through the weekends when people are having 'family' time -- but remember many of those families are full of unhappy people just going through the motions

I've been following your threads and wish you all the best... you are doing so well so far, I can identify with what you have been through, and I am sure you will blossom