Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

999 replies

OpheliaRose · 19/05/2015 21:02

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

OP posts:

Wristy · 25/05/2015 18:01

Wow.

Is he actually that thick to be taken aback when a father, whose daughter you have betrayed in the most heinous way, does not wish to give him the time of day??

I'm almost starting to pity this arse that he can read these situations so badly wrong, it'll only end up with someone actually spelling out for him what a twat he is (hopefully in earshot of everyone else who seems to think this is acceptable behaviour).

I hope you had an ok day, regardless of whether you went with the twins or not. Xx

winkywinkola · 25/05/2015 18:38

Does he not believe he's done anything wrong?

Does he think people will not notice or care? Even Ophelia's family?

Has he not got a very high IQ?

laurierf · 25/05/2015 18:57

He's cheated on his lovely wife of 12 years, on the only woman he's had an adult relationship with, and walked out on her and his kids. I think he knows he's done something very, very wrong - he's trying too hard to be seen to be 'reasonable', trying to hide it, got cross (and spiteful) with Phee for telling the truth... But what he's done is so wrong he can't actually address how bad it is. And he's got the all-obliging wonder WF making it all ok and reassuring him at the moment. He is completely avoiding the shock and grief that Phee is going through. Although I'm sure there are some people who are so unmoved by the feelings of others it washes off them… I think this is going to hit him further down the line, irrespective of whether he and WF last.

LondonRocks · 25/05/2015 18:57

His brains are on the floor of the stationery cupboard. Tossbag.

AndyWarholsOrange · 25/05/2015 19:52

Hi Phee Just checking in. You're doing so well. Unless your H is a psychopath, the reality of what he's done will hit him at some point. I know your DTs are very young but, from my experience of friends who've been through separation, even very young children soon learn that the parent who clears up their sick and stays up all night when they're ill is the one that is putting in more of the leg work than the one that takes them to a theme park once a month.
It is still such early days Phee You're only a month into this. I haven't been in your position but I think I mentioned earlier that I spent 4 months in hospital with psychotic depression. For the first few weeks,I literally got through it a minute at a time, then I moved on to five minutes at a time, then ten, then twenty etc. After about a month, I moved on to a day at a time. The next few months is just about surviving. But you will come through this. You will reach a point where you haven't thought about H for 4 hours, then 8 hours, then 12 hours etc etc. I still feel young but I am just about old enough to be your mum. You are young enough to completely rebuild your life. I would bet everything I have that, two years from now, you will be happy and this will all be a distant memory

parsnipbob · 25/05/2015 20:00

Just checking in to say you're doing really well OP.

HootyMcTooty · 25/05/2015 20:01

I actually think he knows exactly how bad his behaviour is and is desperately trying to legitimise it by pretending everything is normal. His bravado and desperate attempts to get everyone to like WF, as well as his awful lies to his friends, shows there's an acknowledgment of what he's done. At some point the true enormity of what he has done will hit him like a brick to the face, provided you and your family continue to treat him as he deserves to be treated. you may never know what he's really thinking, he may never tell you, but he will feel it Phee.

Wristy · 25/05/2015 20:24

You're probably right Hooty, I have never ever come across such an extreme example and it's shocking to say the least.

Ah if only it could be a real brick!!!

HootyMcTooty · 25/05/2015 20:41

Well I strongly feel that violence never solves anything, but if he were to be accidentally hit by a real brick in a freak accident, I'd happily put it down to karma

Newbiecrafter · 25/05/2015 21:29

Phee, I've been lurking and have read all your threads and have been shocked by the ex's behaviour.

You ARE amazing! And your children are very lucky to have you as their mum!

Here's an image to help you remember that your ex will get a taste of his own medicine. Karma will catch up with him, one day!

xxxx

Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

KaputKiss · 25/05/2015 22:01

How are you Phee?

W33ble · 25/05/2015 23:27

He's just absolutely fucking delusional! To be astounded that your dad might not want to make idle chat with the prick who broke his daughters heart. I want to track him down and tell him what a pathetic excuse of a man he is myself. Bloody makes me mad for you Phee!

I've never posted on your thread although have been following it from the beginning. Can I just say you sound like an absolutely amazing mummy to your DTs and your spineless husband has been very, very stupid. You've been so strong and dignified. I'd be rocking in a corner if it were me.

How has your Monday been? What are your plans for the week?x

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 06:07

Oh please no karma posts.

MerryMarigold · 26/05/2015 08:30

I think karma is simply that if you behave in a selfish manner, it will have consequences for your relationships in the future and you are bound to have regrets at some point. Regrets for your own actions. The other option is to lose your mind. Neither of those are a good place to be.

HootyMcTooty · 26/05/2015 08:44

Oh I was only joking, I don't actually believe in karma, I'm too cynical for that. There are too many bastards in this world living excellent carefree lives.

CaveMum · 26/05/2015 08:47

Unfortunately there is no such thing as karma. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, there is no greater force controlling these matters.

At the risk of sounding like a complete loon, I came across a quote from one of my favourite TV shows the other day (Buffy) and I think it might offer some comfort to FabPhee and others in similar situations:

"Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are."

Bambino1234 · 26/05/2015 08:48

Hi Phee
My story is similar to yours I have to small children.
A partner that was seeing his co worker who was married with a child.

They haven't moved in or aren't in an open relationship( I'm not sure why probably both utterly embarrassed with themselves)

My partner refused to see what he was doing was wrong - he refused to hear anything bad about the ow.
He wasn't hugely bothered about seeing the children or helping me, he was too engrossed in texting her 2700 times in one month!!! Seeing her and starting his business. He would have been quite happy for me to leave and never been seen again. He hated me contacting him, he begrudged or used anything he had given me against me.
I'm five months on nearly now ...

And unfortunately for him the life that he has chosen for himself hits him every week he has to say goodbye to the children, it is only recently he has realised what he has done and i can only imagine it will get worse over the coming months.

After his initial behaviour of calling me mental, telling me there were plenty of people in this world who could be his childrens mother I was just a statistic I struggled to see how a man could be so callous.
I guess they never think they will get caught and when they do the easiest way is to bury their head in the sand and pretend like they have everything they wanted ...

You'll find the strength to move on

AndyWarholsOrange · 26/05/2015 08:55

Morning Phee. I know there have been lots of posts about karma and Phee's H reaping what he's sown. I'm not a karma believer and the reality is that their relationship may or may not last. However, what Phee's H is experiencing right now is infatuation which never lasts. It either evolves into a more 'real' kind of love or fizzles out when the infatuated person realises that the object of their infatuation isn't a God/Goddess who shits rose petals but is human like everyone else which means that they have faults and fart in bed. To the PP who said that Phee's H is delusional, I think that people in that infatuated state actually are a bit deluded. Like everyone else, I would absolutely love to see H and WF fall flat on their faces but I think it's important to remember that Phee can be happy even if that doesn't happen. Having said that, I would dearly love Phee's H to walk in on her giving someone else a blow job in the stationery cupboard.
Phee Have you started looking at childcare options yet?

laurierf · 26/05/2015 09:30

Bambino, hope you're doing ok 5 months in. It must have been very hard as it seems to be in so many cases - not just the betrayal but the callous behaviour afterwards when they try to avoid acknowledging the sheer awfulness of what they have done. Good to hear you are finding strength to move on

LlamaWoman · 26/05/2015 10:34

I have spent my bank holiday weekend reading your threads from the very beginning (I know I need to get out more) and just wanted to say I am so so sorry you are going through this and that I think you are coping amazingly well. It may not feel like it to you but - you are!

He on the other hand is just disgusting and shallow. He is so wrapped up in his won life and has the blinkers on he just cannot see how cruel he is being. The worse thing is he thinks he is being kind decent and considerate to you but he just has this all wrong.

What struck me is his need to harp on about what WF thinks is best all the sodding time! FFS - no one gives a shit what WF thinks. Its quite sad that he thinks you want to know what has worked well for WF and her DC. Does he have a brain of his own??

I may have got this wrong but did he not get in touch all of last week about seeing the twins? I wonder if this is because he was busy with his move or kicked in the teeth because you laid down the law about WF spending time with them.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 26/05/2015 11:54

Hello everyone.

Sorry for being very quiet yesterday I decided in the end to go out with my parents and the twins. I cannot hide away forever and I shouldn't have to. So I did my hair and make up nice put on my new jeans and a nice top and went out with my head held height for the first time in a while. Won't say it was easy but I'm pleased I did it. I haven't done anything wrong he has so I shouldn't be the one cowering in shame.

I've started looking into a few childcare options. Going to look around a nursery that my friend recommended and also to see two child minders. My friend has invited to to a cupcake party with the twins that a few of her other "mum" friends are going to so I can meet some new people. I've said I'll go (although in very nervous)

I can't tell if his lack of contact was because he couldn't introducing twins to OW or the house move but I would expect the house move he's pretty selfish. Also not really in his defence but his work is very demanding (although not so demanding he couldn't understand time to shag someone else!) so he could have a lot of work to do on his project. I'm used to it when we were a couple still that her often need to be in early, work late and sometimes weekends. But that was in his previously job role (the one i was gratefully he left)

OP posts:

Vivacia · 26/05/2015 12:21

Do you think it's a case of "fake it until you make it" with regards going out and socialising?

Don't be nervous about the cupcake party!!

GERTI · 26/05/2015 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bjrce · 26/05/2015 13:21

Gerti is correct, the one thing he can't use against you is not allowing him access to the DTs, you have been completely fair on every request he has made to see them.

Would it be an idea, to keep a log ( in a notebook) of all the dates he has been to see them since he left. This might be beneficial in the divorce, I am not saying to use it against him, but if he argues re contact, you will have this information ready and on hand. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on, its just about being prepared, you don't know what he might try.

Enjoy, the meeting up with DC new friends, you'll find its hard to get yourself out,and you won't always look forward to it, but at the end of the evening, when you get home with the DTs, you never regret making the effort.

Dumdedumdedum · 26/05/2015 13:21

Please don't let him dictate his access terms to you at short notice, as he has done before.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 39 40