Affair Part 5 - fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3 4

A month ago I discovered my Husband had been having an affair with a girl from his work. I thought it was one of the most painful moments of my life but the subsequent day where far more painful when the full extent of his betrayal was exposed to me and he has shown no remorse or sorrow over the loss of our marriage in fact he has left me for the OW

I have started divorce procedures on the grounds of adultery each day is proving a struggle but I am getting through it with the help of all of you.

All I want when this is over is for me and my Twins to be happy. We all deserve so much better than him

Sorry, that was meant to be , not a grin

Dear Ophelia,
It's such early days! You snuggle up and rest - you're in the early stages of a loss / bereavement and it's not surprising that you just want to hide away. Let your parents take the twins out - summon your strength to give them a nice morning before they go and then greet them with a cheery smile when they return. And in between, takes some time for yourself. It will pass... eventually... and Vertigo and all the other wise women posting here are testament to that.

What a helpful post vertigo.

Phee, that is a big step. Glad vertigo's post has given you some hope.

Has your solicitor mentioned mediation to you yet?

Phee I know this sounds bad but I hope the twins play him up something terrible and won't settle at night a wake up in the night. Serves him right!

Yes, your XH has to go on saying and thinking how wonderful OW is, otherwise how can he justify giving up so much. I think in how sober moments, he must realize that and tell himself it is worth it and the only way he can do that is to build her up and rewrite history...

Also, I remember you saying that. XH said it was all on him, that OW did not chase him. Well, years ago, my DH confessed to an emotional affair before it got too far. Again, it was all on him. The OW was innocent etc. We had a business then and the place was covered by CCTV. I went back and looked through all the recordings and was amazed at how subtly my DH was chased. Even he was shocked at the subtly and his blindness when he viewed the recordings. I know it no way exonerates your XH but things were not so boring in his life that he decided to go look for something else..

That's a big step Phee, keep resting whenever you need do, your body has been through a trauma

Twins's are home.

I took advice and when H dropped of twins my Dad meet him and when asked said that I was out and would be back shortly. H didn't ask where I was so I don't know what he thinks.

He tried to make some small talk with my dad but my dad told him he didn't have time to chat. I think H was taken aback by that he's used to being able to charm everyone including my parents at all times.

Twins said they had a lovely weekend. He took them out for the day to a play place with lots of fund things for them to do. I was tempted to ask them questions to see if he sneakily had the OW there "bumping" into them but honestly I don't think i can handle that level of betrayal quite now so left it alone.

My dad said I need to trust that H will keep his word and not introduce the children yet otherwise i'll make myself ill worrying and obsessing over it but I can't trust a damn word he says. I did that and turns out he's shagging some tart in the office while coming home playing the loving trustworthy husband.

My dad said I need to trust that H will keep his word

I think that's the last thing you should do! I think you should just expect it's going to happen sooner rather than later, and any later is a bonus.

Dad

Prob saved you a bit of heartache there.

If she was there, if she wasn't there, best you don't know or be concerned. Concentrate on YOU, your recovery, YOU are the important one here, holding everything up for the children.

Viv my friend said something similar.

Friendsofbill thank you. You are very wise there. My dad said it would do me no good just cause lots of heartache and pain. Even once they do meet the OW if i ask about it all it will do is torture me hearing the details. My friend said what she did was just decide not to ask about the time they spend with her ex's new gf. if her kids bring it up she says something polite but never asks for information because its the only way she can get through it.

my DTs were very happy to see me at least and said they'd missed me. I had lots of cuddles and kisses. Just about to put them to bed hopefully they wont be too disrupted after being away for the night

So glad your dad was able to do that for you (both save you from having to deal with H's shit and also letting H now he cannot be charmed into ignoring the fact that H has treated his DD appallingly).

I know you are exhausted right now and so it's all got to be done at your pace, when you feel ready and strong enough. But a key thing that struck me about Vertigo's post was that family mediation can be used to stress that there is NO need for your twins to meet WF right now and that there can be agreed in the presence of a professional third party… something to consider... but I guess right now you've got your hands full with your DT!

WWIFN was actually known as Whenwillifeelnormal, if you're trying to search for her.

Well done Phee,

You did great this evening. Your dad is a star. He seems to be able to assess situations very well.
Just remember, you XH normally sends you an email after dropping of the DC when you haven't been there to do the pick. Its as if he wants to "reassure" you ( and also to get something hurtful in ), that everything went great with the kids and all is going to be fine. He is such a controlling bastard.
That would piss him off, your dad being dismissive of him.

I guarantee you will get an email off him, either this evening or tomorrow telling you about their wonderful time. He is becoming so predictable.

Did your dad move some things around? It would be nice to make the place feel more like yours

Good point bjrce, forewarned is forearmed Ophelia.

Brace yourself for snippy/gushy/spiteful email at some point in the not too distant.

Well done phee you Prob feel a lot better than if you'd have had to see the slimey bastards smug boat race!!
I also don't ask about ow and wgat she does around the kids.
Dd is 13 and we share the same sense of humour so I do sometimes make jokey sarcastic remarks which dd pretends to be cross about but then laughs.
Eg. Dd "Dads got a reptile,"
Me "don't talk about (ow) like that"

This has taken ten years tho!
I'm actually just glad that she's nice to my dc especially when you read some of the posts on mumsnet from step moms.
I have never once felt that she in any way fills my role, I am still mum. Always will be, that is undebatable.

Good point about the email. Ignore until at least Tuesday! Maybe ask your dad or someone to read then delete only giving you info about future contact.
Try not to torture yourself with what you cannot control. Leave them to it!
Another weekend down Phee. Here's to a good week x

Yes turn off the new phone you bought for H contact....

Put it in a drawer.

Sleep. Order pizza.....let DP have the DT.

You have done amazingly well. Stress is so hard, you need as much support as you can get.

Glad the twins are ok and your dad has been so ace. You are doing really well, Phee.

Btw, I guarantee there will come a time when the lust dust has settled and she'll go from wonder sucker to annoying cow - everyone argues. And also, he'll absentmindedly talk of things you and he could only know about and she'll look blank. And bored.

Phee,

If you can manage it, you should go out for the day with your family tomorrow, don't be sitting in the house all day on your own.
When you have other people to help you with the kids, take it.

Fab Phee
Is it OK if I call him: DimJim ?
So DJ is playing the Disney Dad? Fine. Are your kids still on nappies or are they potty-trained? Make sure that he shares their care when they are sick. Wise women suggested that you bring up all the problems about shared parenting when you meet the intermediary. IMO it would be good if you sit and set up a list of reasonable requests (where/when to pick up the kids- how to share the responsibility when there are no CM and when they are sick - what to talk about when he picks up the kids never about WF- the kids are yours and not hers: she must not have a say via him or otherwise etc)
BTW: Sorry if I am awful, but I think that this kind of paying fun places are great to take the kids to when you are very tired and you are on your own. There are areas where the kids even babies can safely play with minimal supervision- there is food in the premises.
I am glad your friend, DB and Dad are around you.
Shopping: cool - did you buy some new shoes as well to go with pencil skirts/dress?
Good Night Fab Phee!

Well done PheeDad

Bet that took the wind out of his sails. But you're catching on to his pathetic moves - so do expect an email from him if you're not there for pick ups/drop offs - and remember, you are under absolutely no obligation to read it straight away.

As it's still early days, it might be a good idea for your Dad or Brother to 'edit' it as it were, and read out loud the bits that are important for you to know about i.e. the twins. I suspect after a little clever editing there would be little substance there anyway.

The new clothes you bought for work sound lovely.

Just posting again to say what a dick this man is once again. You're doing so well. Keep on keeping on.

Keep it up Phee you're doing great x