Just found this message on DH work phone

[gubbygubby]

It was DH birthday yesterday.
I've just dneaked his work phone out his suit jacket and found the following text
" happy birthday bubbles hope ur ok x"
The number is listed under Craig
I rand the number on my phone and predictably a woman answered .
I've texted and asked who bubbles is and she replied I must have made a mistake.
I texted again and included the screen shot but she fobbed me off , said she had no idea what I was on about.
My DH has changed her to a male name in his phone and she texted him yesterday. At 7.45 am on his birthday yesterday.
He has form for this kind of thing. The most recent only in February.
I left his phone out in our room. He went upstairs and took it.
He has now gone out " to the shop"
I've changed her number to mine in his phone so hoping to catch them

I think OP feels as though she has to have concrete proof to finish it.

OP - you don't. His conduct thus far is more than reason enough to want rid.

If I were in your shoes (and I was once over this exact same issue) I'd tell the woman that she's the latest in a long line. I did. And I also told her that if I had her tits I wouldn't be sending slutty shots of the, to married men as they weren't her best feature.

Then I'd look him in the eye and say "you had your chance, you blew it so how do you want to start splitting our lives up? You move out? I move out? Let's get the ball rolling" and don't take even a snifter of discussion of whether he did or didn't do it.

He's got form, this all stinks to high heaven and there's no smoke without fire. So put your practical head on, disengage from the emotion of it and start asking him to make arrangements to go.

I did all of that and 3 years on I've never been happier.

That's a step admitting your scared. Take a little while and maybe write down point by point what scares you. Specifically. Start with working nights, childcare? Change of hours. We'll help you to iron out the fine details.

It doesn't have to be overnight. You can take your time. It doesn't mean you have to end your marriage now. Continue to work at it if you want but start getting a plan in place so that if it comes to it you have a head start.

I know it isn't easy but you have to start valuing yourself too. Irrespective of whether he's done it this time you don't sound happy at all. You sound done, resigned. You do deserve better than that.

Same as Louboutin.

It's hard, but I am so much happier for it.

He will continue to get his thrills chasing other women.

But I know from experience that you will leave not necessarily when you have been hurt, but when you are strong enough to say it outloud to him.

It will come to it sooner or later.

gubby, what will you do if he walks away for one of these flirtations? Takes two to make a marriage work, and he doesn't seem to be trying.

See a solicitor, find out how you can end up with most of the assets (I don't give a crap if that is mercenary), ensure you are not jointly attached to any debt. I'd start a rainy day fund of you don't already have one, make sure you have your own separate bank account to which he has no access.

Line up your ducks, and do what you want in your own time but make sure you have everything ready.

I am sorry you're going thro this.

I've found a message recipient list in his Nokia phone. Does anyone know if this is messaged he received or sent.
There is 2 with her number on in April
I will be paying off my car loan then will be sorting finances

You are scared.
You don't want to be the one to break up the family.

You are still wishing that this is all some horrible mix up and soon everything will become clear and be able to stay the same.

That's okay, no one blames or judges you for that.

There are many voices of bitter experience on mnet who know this story and it's variations too well.

If you need to stay in the marriage and keep the family together then do that.

Make a contingency plan for yourself, start thinking now about how you can practically manage when he goes.

Plan how you will take care of dc/finances/school/work/home but more importantly plan how you will look after yourself.
And how you are forced to be the solution to a problem caused by your husband.

You didn't do this, he did.

Sadly you will be the one that has to bite the bullet.
He could change he could be faithful he could stop shagging or trying to shag other women.

If he does you wasted some brain time planning.

I hope he does but experience tells me he won't.

Don't rush or dig deeper.
Move your mindset to the next step, be ready to take it when you need to.

I think its that he sent them

When is your car loan up?

Ten thousand left. Maybe a year. It's on an interest free credit card.

Trying to keep the family together . Not a popular choice on this Forum

You have to ask yourself though, why you are "trying to keep the family together". Because you think that's the best thing for the family? Or becuase you (yourself) are scared of the alternative?

And you can try all you like. If he is determined to carry on like this, all your trying will count for nothing because he is hell bent on an alternative course from you

just asking about a very practical point, the car.

I don't know one thing about car finance, but can't you sell the car on or back, and get a different cheaper one?

Are you really wanting to go through all of this over and over for another year plus?

Have you looked at your finances to see exactly what you would end up with. You may find you can continue repayments. I'd start with finances and then take it from there. If it means leaving it a year so-be-it but make sure you know exactly where you stand.

As someone else said, what if he up and left? You do know you deserve better than his treatment of you?

I think it means he sent the texts. Can u try sending a text to your phone and see if it comes up in the list?

So sorry you're going through this.

It isn't you that would be breaking up the "family." It's him and his behaviour doing that.

Nope you are right keeping the family together is not a popular option when your oh is repeatedly being disrespectful and text other women and the lying about it.

I have way too much respect for myself and dignity to keep accepting it.

I honestly don't know what this man has done to you to think you should accept it but he is treating you like a right mug.

Wanting to keep the family together is a great goal, assuming he's generally a good dad, and that he doesn't make your life a misery in other ways.

However, if you stay you are accepting that he will be sleeping with other women. It's that simple. He's not going to change.

Be very, very clear with yourself about whether that is acceptable to you.

If you feel you want to wait until you're financially in a better place, then that's your choice (and I'd say a sensible one) - but you'll need to emotionally detach during that time, or the constant suspicion and insecurity is going to kill you.

I managed 4.5 years, in the same house, separate bedrooms. We never actually said it was over and carried on disengaged.

Good better , how did that go? I think I could do that. I have emotionally detatched already. I couldn't even bring myself to write a loving message in his b'day card.

Bubbles?? Well, that's a shit term of endearment unless he's a dead rimger for the social worker in Lilo and Stitch.
Matt Lucas's fat suit lady? Michael Jackson's monkey?
Michel Buble fan? Or is it because she's forever blowing him?

OP you owe him nothing, not even a sodding birthday card.
He has sent her two messages in April. Is she also married?
How old are your kids?

OP, an asexual marriage of convenience will only work for you if you are totally indifferent to him and he is doing 50% of everything in the house and with the kids. Open marriage only if neither of you care about what the other one is doing and with whom.

Don't want to sound harsh OP but you sound a long way from detached. You would not have gone to those lengths yesterday to get his phone and find out who that woman was.

It sounds more like you hate and despise him, which is totally understandable but is not going to make a "stick it out" arrangement feasible.

Gubby - it was shit. Really, really shitI was miserable. I was full of self-loathing. Everyone was unhappy.

But guess what happened when I ended it? A massive sense of relief, I lost weight, had a spring in my step, a smile on my face. The DCs are so much happier (in fact the only time I get attitude from them is if he's been around) the house is a much more positive place, we spend a lot more time as a unit. There is also less noise, less mess, less negativity. No one putting me down, finding fault. He was emotionally abusive I now realise, turned everything back on me, told me I was just too unattractive to have sex with. 4.5 years with no intimacy. I've had more sex as a single woman than in the last five years of marriage and we broke up in October. I have a lover who isn't a massive twat. That's a breath of fresh air.

I am so happy I sometimes feel guilty about it.

Saying that, it's fucking hard being a lone parent. Some days are harder than others. I'm behind at work, trying to catch up, do things in the house, as well as all the normal stuff. I thought I was living as a lone parent before we split. This is much harder.

We are sorting everything out with a mediator and I am filing for divorce.

I would not change it. I would not go back.

How is everything going Gubby?