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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just found this message on DH work phone

174 replies

gubbygubby · 19/05/2015 18:00

It was DH birthday yesterday.
I've just dneaked his work phone out his suit jacket and found the following text
" happy birthday bubbles hope ur ok x"
The number is listed under Craig
I rand the number on my phone and predictably a woman answered .
I've texted and asked who bubbles is and she replied I must have made a mistake.
I texted again and included the screen shot but she fobbed me off , said she had no idea what I was on about.
My DH has changed her to a male name in his phone and she texted him yesterday. At 7.45 am on his birthday yesterday.
He has form for this kind of thing. The most recent only in February.
I left his phone out in our room. He went upstairs and took it.
He has now gone out " to the shop"
I've changed her number to mine in his phone so hoping to catch them

OP posts:

Report

gubbygubby · 19/05/2015 18:42

He has gone out and taken the work phone with him.

OP posts:

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 19/05/2015 18:43

It may sound difficult but to be honest, is worth it. There is nothing worse than putting up with a marriage a day at a time, it really kills you inside and prevents you from having the hope of a happier life.

pictish · 19/05/2015 18:44

This guy is like a giant walking penis. He will never stop. Give him up already.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 19/05/2015 18:46

I agree with the others that you have two options:

learn to live with his behaviour (and perhaps stop checking his phone, and sex too, you don't want to catch something nasty from him. Or,
you leave him as soon as you are ready.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 19/05/2015 18:51

What a knobjockey.

I know it seems impossible but try and imagine your life free of him. It has to be better than feeling suspicious, resentful, and 2nd best all the time, right?

Momagain1 · 19/05/2015 18:56

It's not that easy though . 4 DCs full time job, I work evenings . It's just to much to bear doing it alone

He has made clear he has time enough to fool around with others on the side, meanwhile you are so busy you can't even picture life without him around to take over childcare in the evenings.

It's entirely your choice at this point. you already told him you dont care what he does (so he is doing what he wants) but you are stressing yourself trying to police his behaviour anyway. Either make clear you do care and demand change, or kick him out. The stress of lone parenting is certainly no harder than what you are currently living.

gubbygubby · 19/05/2015 19:01

He just rang my number from work phone
Told me who it was, as ex colleague . Said he saved it as a different name because it was when he was being deceitful. He said she shouldnt of denied knowing me . Sounds plausible . He offerered to get her to ring me to explain.
What now?

OP posts:

NettleTea · 19/05/2015 19:06

you sound as if you are grabbing for excuses.

ShizeItsWeegie · 19/05/2015 19:08

Tell him to save it for someone that gives a shit and throw him out.

Wombat22 · 19/05/2015 19:09

I don't want to look too cynical, but he went out to the shop at 1800, he was then fast asleep at 1824 and had gone out by 1842
Are you having us over op?

RightSideOfWrong · 19/05/2015 19:12

He went out to call her, and tell her that you knew. He's told her what she needs to say to you, and now contacted you to tell you that you can call her and she'll rehash a load of lies to you.

How on earth is it plausible that an ex-colleague would lie about knowing him?

It doesn't change your options. Stay, or leave. But don't pretend that he'll change. He won't. He's just bare-faced lying to you now.

SausageBaconCrackling · 19/05/2015 19:16

What possible reason can there be for remaining married to this man? You don't love him, he doesn't love you. There's no trust, no respect, no fidelity. It's already a dead relationship. You need to LTB.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/05/2015 19:18

wombat - I was thinking the same

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/05/2015 19:19

Lies lies lies LIES.

I don't know what to tell you OP if you are not prepared to leave - I guess you will just have to put up with it.

I think you should go and have a bit of fun on the side and see how he likes it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/05/2015 19:20

Wombat that confused me too...

CookieLady · 19/05/2015 19:22

Oh dear.

gubbygubby · 19/05/2015 19:25

Wombat, not having you on. It is my shop. He said he was going to check everything was turned off. He fell asleep as he been at dentist. Always does that. He then woke up and said he was going to clean the shop instead of at 6 in the morning. ( it's 2 mins from our house)

OP posts:

pictish · 19/05/2015 19:26

What is it within you that wants to keep slogging it out with this massive phallus of man? He deceives you as a matter of course! Why do you keep seeking to accept his ongoing bullshit?
Are you afraid of being single? Is that it?

Wombat22 · 19/05/2015 19:26

Glad it's not just me! Just seeking clarification

Fatstacks · 19/05/2015 19:27

Careful here, we could be kicking someone when they are down.

Gubby you can see the general consensus is your husband is a cunt.

If you need to believe this is all another a little slip up by him and keep the delusion going to keep your cart on the wheels then crack on.

Just know that you don't have to and if you need it, the help will be here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/05/2015 19:28

gubby

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Re an earlier comment of yours:-
"I stay for the children"

No, you stay for you, not them. Do not bring them into this. You're too afraid of the unknown to leave but no obstacle is however insurmountable. The above thinking is a huge mistake on your part. That teaches the children a lie, its a terrible burden to place on any child.

What d'you think they are going to say to you; "thanks mum"?. No they will not. They will call you daft for staying and worst still wonder why you put him before them. They will hate you for doing that to them and will see you as weak.

You really want them to potentially repeat all this in their future relationships; you're showing them that currently all this to you from your H, their dad, is acceptable to you. Your children see and hear most of what is happening at home between you and their dad and perhaps worst of all may even blame themselves for their parents troubles.

Do not leave them this as their legacy.

Is this really what you want to show them about relationships; that people really do behave like this in marriage?. Surely not. This is his 4th extra marital dalliance since last November, stop kidding yourself here by believing him at all.

Love and put your own self first for a change rather than him.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 19/05/2015 19:29

Wow he got back from the shop and went to sleep quick !

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gubbygubby · 19/05/2015 19:29

That's okay! I can see why timings looked dodgy! He cleans my shop every day for me, usually at 6 am .
I don't know what to think any more. I've texted the woman to say DH told me who she was and why did she not say as it caused a tow and had no answer.

OP posts:

Wombat22 · 19/05/2015 19:31

It is not my intention to kick anyone, particularly not when they are seeking help.

26Point2Miles · 19/05/2015 19:32

Lol... He's a fast mover then

Flip

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