Just found this message on DH work phone

[gubbygubby]

It was DH birthday yesterday.
I've just dneaked his work phone out his suit jacket and found the following text
" happy birthday bubbles hope ur ok x"
The number is listed under Craig
I rand the number on my phone and predictably a woman answered .
I've texted and asked who bubbles is and she replied I must have made a mistake.
I texted again and included the screen shot but she fobbed me off , said she had no idea what I was on about.
My DH has changed her to a male name in his phone and she texted him yesterday. At 7.45 am on his birthday yesterday.
He has form for this kind of thing. The most recent only in February.
I left his phone out in our room. He went upstairs and took it.
He has now gone out " to the shop"
I've changed her number to mine in his phone so hoping to catch them

[RightSideOfWrong]

He's got no reason to stop. He's done it four times in six months, thereabouts, and got away with it every time. That's almost a woman a month. It probably is a woman a month, unless you check his phone very often.

Tell him not to come back. However not fun separating will be, it'll be a breeze compared to living with this. Honestly.

[gubbygubby]

Panda, yes he prob has done that.

[gubbygubby]

No I didn't delete the message and yes, it just showed as a number. I bet he has though. I will try and sneak a look

[gubbygubby]

I've got his phone as he's asleep
He has deleted the message! What now?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

What's the Alternative though? Live like this forever?

[magoria]

You have a few choices.

First you can stay. Accept that your H is sexually incontinent and will not stop as he has zero respect for you or your marriage. Either stop having sex with him, use condoms or have regular sexual health check ups. Then stop looking at his phone and live in semi ignorant bliss.

Or you can tell him that you now have a marriage in name only. He can do what he wants and you will also. He doesn't get to veto this choice if you make it any more.

Or you can get yourself into a position where you can leave and have the respect in your life either alone or in a new relationship (eventually) that your deserve.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Has he changed Craig's number back to hers?

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

I would wait to confront him until you have more evidence as it may be all a misunderstanding, and even if it isn't, it may be that Craig didn't know how married Bubbles is.

According to advice I have read in Mumsnet over the years, it may help to:

Block craigs's number before she has time to inform bubbles about your conversation.

Check old calls (or itemised bills) to find out for how long this has been going on.

In his directory, change Craig's number for yours. You may get his next mesage to her.

Yeah, you shouldn't be checking his phone but you are not expected to play by the rules if trust when he is so obviously breaking them. neither would you like to create havoc in your marriage if this is not what it seems,

[BitOutOfPractice]

Is it an iphone OP?

If it is you can do a spotlight search. This will bring up deleted messages, emails etc. You could search the word "bubbles" or "xx" and see what comes up

[StretchyTheMonkey]

He'll probably twig you've put your number as hers in that case because there will be a name in contacts but not in messages.

If you can, delete the message so if he messages her he'll have to go through contacts and not just reply to a message.

Or and this is better advice. Tell him to sling his hook, you deserve better

[gubbygubby]

He has not changed her number from mine so don't think he has noticed.
Last time I cought him it was via Facebook messenger. I logged in as him on my phone and watched all the messages appear between them. Then he deleted them. Almost funny . He's pathetic

[gubbygubby]

He has deleted message so im hoping in the morning he texts her and I get it

[gubbygubby]

No not an iPhone, work old Nokia

[RagingJellyBean]

Sorry to be blunt but...

If leaving isn't an option because it will be too difficult, and you're sneaking around trying to catch him out even though you've said yourself he has form for this, what are your options?

Obviously you need to leave, or you need to stay in a pointless relationship. The choice is yours?!

[HelenaDove]

Of course he wants to stay with you OP I bet you are still doing his washing and cooking and cleaning up after him. He wants all this done for him and to fuck around on the side i bet

[AugustaGloop]

But why would he stop because he knows you are not going to kick him out. Not sure why you are bothering trying to catch him out if you are nto going to do anything about it anyway.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

You know, I think this behaviour has been going too long to ignore. You might better call the shots and drag him to Relate (I know it will not be easy to leave him when you work nights and have 4 children, and obviously he does know too, but you need to explain to him some way that you won't put with that behaviour for the "sake if the children".

[RightSideOfWrong]

The thing is...what if you do catch him tomorrow?

You'll be in the same situation that you are in now, knowing that he is texting other women.

And if you don't get a message from him tomorrow, you won't know if it's because he's not messaged her, or because he's spotted that it was your number rather than hers, or because he replied to an older message of hers/a call log entry/used a different app.

Sadly, I think you know that he can't be trusted. It really makes no big difference if this is the third woman he's being inappropriate with, or the fourth. What matters is whether you are happy to put up with it.

Presumably if he's deleted the message, he's aware that you check his phone.

[SurlyCue]

it may be that Craig didn't know how married Bubbles is.

Bubbles knows how married bubbles is.

[gubbygubby]

Apart from this he does a lot for me. I certainly don't run round after him. I asked him if he resented all he does because of his behaviour and he said no. I've given him the chance to leave but he want to stay.
He complains I don't touch him intimately, but to be honest I can't bring myself to. I do have sex now and then. But my feelings for him have slowly eroded

[gubbygubby]

He knows I check his phone and knows I don't trust him. No point going to relate. When I found out 4 years ago the first Time ( secret second phone) we went.
They said he had sex addiction but he did not agree. He looks at porn a lot too. I ask him not to but he still does. TBH porn is the least of my problems at the moment.

[StretchyTheMonkey]

You sound completely emotionally disconnected. I guess it's how you manage but is this really the life you want for yourself? It doesn't have to be.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

It may be a good time to switch your thoughts to divorce mode. you don't need to leave him tomorrow, but you can start to prepare your exit slowly and leave when you are ready.

First stop is check entitledto.org.uk and find out what benefits you can get as a working mum of 4 children. I know that working nights it's a huge problem when it comes to childcare but you may, in time, find another job or your eldest child can help a bit babysitting in due course.

[nilbyname]

You deserve happiness. You should kick him out, share custody. You WILL manage.

[RightSideOfWrong]

So what's your end game, here?

He is, almost definitely, having another affair. He has had previous affairs. This has been an issue for four years, and appears to be worsening. He also has a porn problem, and continues to watch it despite knowing that it upsets you.

And, he knows that you check his phone, and he's using it to have affairs anyway, because he knows that you won't leave. So you can be very sure that he won't stop, regardless of what you say or do. He doesn't care that you know. He deleted the message to avoid an argument because it'd give him an easier life.

If you don't want to leave, I can't see this getting any better. You are probably better trying to accept it and stopping yourself from checking his phone, because you can be certain that if you don't find anything, he's deleted it, and if you do, it's probably the tip of the iceberg. You'll drive yourself insane checking.

If you do want to leave, there are wise people here who can help you make a plan.

He won't change, though. He doesn't want to, and you can't make him.