Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Yep.

The house we nearly bought was to be his big show piece. Award winning. I was to have no say over the kitchen extension.

In the homes we have together so far I have battled and won the polished concrete argument. I don't like the stuff - it fits a museum or a gallery or a shop, but not a home which should be warm and inviting. In the next house he made it clear I wasn't going to have my say again.

I would have been the one spending the most time in this cold and unappealing highly designed kitchen and he wouldn't have cared that I didn't like it.

I have had a lucky escape there.

Hi Tomato - Scant consolation but I doubt he's a cruel bastard. This type of person has no thoughts for anyone not involved in their (his) "scene". The scene being the stage apon which their life is played out. Thats why his actions at the meal etc, lead me to believe that he was already on the way out of your relationship. He is obviously no fool and he has obviously "managed" his lack of empathy for years. Therefore he chose not to "manage" them at your recent meeting. IMHO this shows his view of you has changed. (In his world) Its his play his rules, if you want to stay.

Therefore as you both move forward (assuming you are in the process of splitting) I doubt any subsequent acts will be designed to be cruel. They will be just acts against someone who is no longer on his stage (basking in his refleciton). Although I have no doubt that you will see them as cruel.

Reading this post back I realise it doesn't add anything to your situation. Just thought it may help you understand him (but you probably already do).

I disagree, DrMorbius.

Very few people design their cruelty. Only actual sadists really.

Most cruelty comes from believing yourself so brilliant that other people are less human by comparison, and that therefore their pain is unimportant or justified.

I think you are right that he managed his empathy better before he felt he had arrived and no longer needed to, but I think he still wants/wanted the image of the family man with the non-working, subservient wife who thinks he's wonderful, making his dinner in a kitchen she hates, that he forced on her, and the child at home to make him feel like the big provider.

Cruelty is written through that like a stick of rock.

He decided himself to stay in the marriage. It clearly wasn't for love (or at least any kind of love worth having). But it is what he chose.

That you feel relief at your decision speaks volumes.

I see your point Bathtime (sorry to de-rail Tomato) and I agree with you.

However I think you may have missed my point. What I meant was MrB will genuinely not see his actions as cruel. Hence my point I doubt any subsequent acts will be designed to be cruel and I did follow that with Although I have no doubt that you will see them as cruel.

Please do derail. Any insight will be helpful xx

Agreed, DrM, he certainly won't see his actions as being cruel. Even when they are.

The thing about his cruelty that is most frightening to me, is that it clearly didn't start with the affair.

The idea of you, tomato, living in a design piece home you had no say in, not working, miles from family and friends, alone with a toddler, while he went off around the world showing off and having affairs, then came home and made you feel inferior to him for your insufficiently designy taste, well it chills my blood to be honest.

You would have been so isolated, so utterly dependent on him, living a life designed by him and inflicted on you.

It seems to me that you were in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who sought to completely dominate you.

And until you found out about his affair, you still thought he was wonderful and that you were the cause of any problems you had with any of this.

Your story is like an object lesson in how smart, independent women are gradually eroded and destroyed by abusive men.

Bathtime - it petrifies me thinking of what could have been. I think discovering the affair may have been a blessing in disguise.

Once everything is sorted out, and dd is sorted out with school I will get my own little place - either a little house or a flat. I will be able to decorate it in colour, with pretty wallpaper, and personality, and fairy lights, throws and cushions. In my kitchen I will have a whole section of wall dedicated to dd. I will be able to have Emma Bridgewater crockery and mismatched bits and pieces.

The house will probably be criticised for a "mess" but will be full of love and things which make us happy.

I really hate concrete. That is all.

Tomato - Sounds like the sort of place that MrB will not want to hang around in, while he waits to collect dd

I will never ever ever ever ever ever live in a house with polished concrete. I think I feel the same way about it as I do jazz.

I had always won the argument by saying that prospective buyers are more likely to have my taste - more mainstream, and that wood flooring is more appealing to a wider group of people - so ultimately we could achieve a higher price. I would not have been able to lose that argument with our "forever" home and the ultimate argument would have been that his taste is more "refined" than mine. That I am not brave enough with my choices.

Thankfully I won't have to have that argument ever again. Because ultimately I want to live in a lovely cozy home, not a show house. And I have found my backbone at last.

Brave choices. Ha. He sounds like a justifier of trangressive behaviour. Of risk. Of his own wants above everyone else's and society's 'norms'. God knows what else he allowed himself over the years under the banner of 'brave choices that make me happy'.

DrM that's right. And if the prediction of him coming to his senses in 2-3 years then timing will be about right.

Blood - I have no idea. Potentially loads of stuff.

When I was pregnant he was in the habit of going out drinking til 2 or 4 in the morning. I always thought it was because he was getting it out of his system before the baby came and he calmed down, which it did.

I now wonder what he was actually up to.

I was utterly miserable during pregnancy and I always thought it was because of the symptoms - nausea, insomnia, constant pain from spd and hips. I now look back and wonder if there wasn't more to it than just pregnancy.

I just re read my last post. I missed out a few words. I had to see a psychiatrist to help me get over being married to someone who has a personality disorder. Not that I needed treated for one. Ordinary counselling just didn't do a thing for me. Nor did living the usual stages of getting over a marriage breakdown. These marriage breakdowns are something else entirely. The talk of cruelty earlier on is relevant. Again blood has it spot on.

I'm back from sightseeing and in bed trying to recover for more later today. My feet are killing me but it's been great fun.

Glad you've been enjoying yourself Weebirdie.

Can I ask - was it because of the behaviour during the marriage or when you were coming out of it that made you need to see a psychiatrist? I think what I'm pondering is that I was so complicit in it all - I felt like I was making choices or compromising for the good of our whole family when I was making sacrifices. I can't get over how I gave myself away so easily.

Dd is at nursery now and I'm in the middle of rolling a few balls.

• I have just emailed a tattoo parlour I like the look of (eek!!) hopefully the waiting list is long so I have a bit of thinking time.
• the nearest sexual health clinic is walk in on Friday afternoons so when I am back from seeing recruiters I will head there tomorrow. I don't need an appointment.
• I have a couple of phone calls to make later on to start the job search. It might take a while to get a job but I need to at least get myself out there.
• and finally I have another massage booked for this afternoon to help dissipate some of this tension.

He was out until the early hours when you were pregnant?

He's basically an arsehole.

Concrete floors are not indicative of more 'refined' taste, simply of more conformist architect taste.

I'm delurking if only to hopefully give you some light relief .. when I was reading the thread before I was struck how much the quote from Jennifer Aniston about Brad Pitt "missing a sensitivity chip" applied in your case. But the concrete floors just made me had to post this link Team Aniston
I always thought she handle this with dignity as are you. Unfortunately
you "D"H is a prat but it appears he is a prat who thinks he's Brad Pitt

I'll head off back to the lurkers but just wanted to say Go Team Tomato

Yep. Networking with other high flying property professionals -estate agents- while I was home miserable.

I don't think it happened as much before - partly because we were out a lot more together and I would drag him home at a respectable time - or maybe I didn't notice because I was out a lot more too.

Team Tomato

Hahahaha!!

I've just skim read the article, and Jen seems to be saying some of the things that I feel.

Shard features probably thinks that Brad would like to be him rather than vice versa. Y'know what with him being a hot shot architect 'n all. And a sexy Italian girlfriend ready to give him a right royal roistering as soon as he clicks his fingers.

I'm glad it raised a smile - so here is to a "comfortable sofa" and possible the best quote "I'm excited about what the future holds," she says. "I'm not a fortune-teller; I have no idea how it will play out. People say, 'What are you going to do?' I don't know. I kind of love that not knowing." Here's hoping you get to that place soon...

Arf at polished concrete being a brave choice for an architect or showing any kind of taste at all.

He's just a sheep. Like a teenage goth who thinks they are being an individual by wearing all the same clothes (and listening to the same music) as their friends.

A brave choice for an architect is not redecorating your living room to preserve the spider mural your kid drew on the wall when she was 3 and you turned your back for a few minutes.

I felt like I was making choices or compromising for the good of our whole family when I was making sacrifices.

Women are raised to do that.

Read Mumsnet any day of the week and you will find countless examples of women explaining why it is sensible for them to act against their own interests - their silly sounding name, their job not paying enough, their superior ability to see mess.

Thankfully you found yourself before you gave so much away that permanent damage was done. :)

I have said it before. He's a walking cliche. His profession, his affair, following the script. We even live in a house with only white walls.

And I have now decided he is a heartless walking cliche. He has no soul.

I always thought he was a great dad. Dd lights up when he is around. But now I'm not so sure. She suffers with constipation and I am positive that white bread and croissants don't help. He is constantly giving her croissants. They are his treat for her. I've always been the killjoy - disapproving. He will give dd one and then ask me if its ok. Every time I say (and I'm not joking) I wish you wouldn't. He does it time and again.

I think that is cruel. To deliberately give your child something which causes them pain. Makes them sick. And it's me who worries and frets and counts the days between poos and now, finally gives her medicine to help her.

And you know what? She absolutely loves things like smoothies and fruit pouches. They may have a bit of sugar in them but they have nutrients and they keep her regular. Those are her "treats". I don't even need to bribe her with unhealthy stuff (yet).

Am to read of his behaviour when you met him. Glad you are making plans. Hope you find a shit hot lawyer and have access to all the financial and other information you need. He does sound like he could get quite nasty quite quickly.

Re DD I think you might be being a little hard on him about the croissants and white bread, especially if she hasn't been tested for any food intolerance: he might simply disagree that it contributes to the constipation. Not great handling of your concerns on his part but don't think it makes him a cruel or bad parent.