Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

[Twinklestein]

I think you need him to clarify.

[BloodontheTracks]

I personally doubt he will switch his email totally off if he works as hard as tom says. Most people never do that, they put an out of contact reply email and then check their emails as and when they want to, with no pressure to respond. It makes more sense he simply doesn't want tom emailing.

[tomatoplantproject]

I don't know. Maybe he is just trying to mess with my head. Maybe he just won't look at it. Maybe he will turn off the email on his phone. Maybe he will turn off his phone the whole time.

[Weebirdie]

Tom, Im going to leave your thread for the time being.

You have to have peace in order to sort your feelings out and to be honest there are so many ways the same thing can be said and thats the stage we are at here, we are just going round and round and round, and not really getting anywhere fast. Im increasingly having to fall back on personal things, the holiday for eg, and its not right, but I can think of no other way to explain to you because words are now hard to find. You have to see who he is for yourself and no amount of me (or others) drawing on our own experiences is going to help.

Blood is good at what she does because she can get her contributions across without drawing on personal experience apart from once I think where she has spoken of her past. I cant do it like that anymore, its now too difficult for me , so Im off for a wee while for your sake.

You need peace. Not to feel as if your head is in a spin dryer.

xxxx

[BloodontheTracks]

Sure but she knew he was married to you then. We don't know what story he has told her now. If he has told her that HE left YOU then he wouldn't want there to be emails around that tell a different story.

[Twinklestein]

But if he has his mobile on, what's the point of going 'no email'? They'll come onto his phone...

[tomatoplantproject]

It would be completely out of character for him to not even be contactable by anybody at all times. He will have his mobile on, but just not his email. I would put money on it.

When he was with her we were still in contact at all times of the day. Just because he was in touch with me doesn't mean he wasn't with her.

[Twinklestein]

I think you are moving in the right direction, it's he who is going the wrong way down a one way street...

[Twinklestein]

What about out of working hours?

Presumably he'll give you his hotel details so you could contact him there if necessary....?

[tomatoplantproject]

Oh jeez I need a new thread title at this rate.

[BloodontheTracks]

How selfish of him. What is he thinking?!
tom, another question and this one is a hard one. Considering you were in counselling before this and presumably he lied about the affair then and was forcing your relationship into failure anyway, have you considered that he wants you to leave him because he is too narcissistic and cowardly to do it himself?

I would suggest re-reading the first five pages of this thread.

[Twinklestein]

My husband has gone no email, but he was with the family. It was work he was getting away from.

He's never gone awol for a week. What if one of the kids had an accident?

[tomatoplantproject]

Yes he will have his mobile. He won't be completely out of range - so his partner would always be able to contact him if there was a work emergency.

[tomatoplantproject]

Do you know what, if he says he wants us to go our own ways I know he doesn't have the guts to face it out with me, regardless. I also don't see them working out long term either.

[Weebirdie]

Yes, I understand that and its something my husband could do easily - go incommunicado though he always said our office manager knew how to get him. I used to also be afraid/concerned for the same reasons you are until I got to the stage where I realised that if he could go incommunicado, or be out of contact for large parts of the day, then I just wasn't going to worry about what ifs because it was all just another hold over me. I knew I would manage and what good would he be anyway?

And yes I agree about the emails not scaring you but he doesn't know that.

[Twinklestein]

I'm trying to keep an open mind, but no email for a week, what?

You can't do that if you have a kid.

Is he contactable by mobile?

[tomatoplantproject]

I don't actually care about the email. So if he is trying to scare me he isn't doing a good job. I'm more concerned that if he goes incommunicado I can't get hold of him if he is needed for dd.

[BloodontheTracks]

My questions were designed to at some point allow you to stop thinking of it as a stalemate and continue to take control of the situation, rather than be passively dependent on his actions and decisions. There has to be a line in your head as to when or over what you are prepared to commit to genuinely pursuing your own life and detaching. You can't wait around forever for him to become a better man. It will erode your soul.

[BloodontheTracks]

Yes that's one way of looking at it. It could be positively defining. though if he does of course you probably won't get the true story about that. You'll get a sort of 'I've now had time to think and I can't live like this anymore I think we have to go our separate ways.'

You should plan a holiday of your own if you think that would be helpful.

Look I know idle speculation isn't useful, sorry, so the email thing, well, whatever. Seems unlikely for a workaholic to not check email for a full week. (never forget that cheaters lie to their lovers too so he wouldn't want to have communication between you two lying around )
I'm pretty sure hotels won't give out personal information of who is staying there so that route probably can't be attempted anyway. But really you should be focusing on yourself, there's nothing you can do to control his actions, sadly, woeful as they have been.

[Weebirdie]

He has said he is going to turn off his email for the week.

He's trying to scare you.

He wants you to panic at the thought of no contact with him.

He's upping the ante.

[tomatoplantproject]

He has said he is going to turn off his email for the week. If this happens he won't be spending the whole week obsessing about work and has time to think and reflect. He will have been using work as an escape from thinking about what he has done.

I haven't had that luxury of being able to escape.

If he uses the time to reconnect with her then, painful as that would be, I would be free from this stalemate.

[Weebirdie]

I wouldn't have done anything to stop my husband from going on holiday either. I would have just looked at it as another part of the journey that had to happen.

[BloodontheTracks]

good for you, have a great time. It seems really clear what you've said and what you want from him, and you are more than entitled. The fact that so much time continues to go past without him providing this (and he HAS been given opportunities) is damning to him and his desire for the marriage and his respect for tom. Why not put this together and present it to her in a counselling session rather than going on holiday for example? It's hardly too much to ask.

[tomatoplantproject]

I don't have a good enough reason to ask him not to go on holiday. Tomorrow morning he is taking dd to his parents for 4 days and I will get a proper break. I actually don't want to spend a whole week talking to him, regardless of location.

I agree that we need to start talking. But I have been clear that I want the full practical/logistics of the affair and that includes when it ended. I have asked several times in different ways. I am actually not prepared to consider discussions until I get this. And when he starts talking and I believe him I will ask for the evidence.

I don't know if I am ready for Blood's questions yet but I do know at some point I need to start thinking long term rather than short term.

In the meantime I have yoga, massage, a night out, job hunt stuff, practical sorting out stuff and nice things planned for the next few days.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Every time, you see him, I get hopeful and then disappointed!
(Sort of joke)
Not once has it sounded like he was desperate for you. since he refused to show you the phone it seems that he's been saying that he would quite like you back, but meh, whatever.