Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Ha ha! I like your style

Oh bugger. I've already had to take her back to bed once. I could be in for a long evening.

Tom - just wanted to say whenever I feel a bit overwhelmed I think of you and how you are coping with all this. Inspiring.

As for a name, I would suggest The Brutalist- as a subtle nod to his self-regarding trade but more a reflection on his behaviour. A sort of metaphor for your two characters.

He is a piss stained , graffiti disfigured ugly cement heap built on shifting sand. And from your posts I'd say you, my dear are built on rock- elegant, clever, attractive and with absolute integrity.

( or fill in your own thoughts!) :)

Gate across bedroom door works wonders ??

I got my dad to put the gate in the attic the other week. I can't reach it very annoyingly.

She's been out twice now - both times wanting to go to the toilet. The little minx refuses to go to the toilet or use a potty during the day but can profit a poo on demand in the evening. I have been cross with her now and am sat outside her room.

She's just excited about her new bed and realising the new freedoms. Argh!!

Profit? Produce

She is finally snoring.

Words - thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. I don't think I'm an inspiration - just sad and with my backbone in place again. I am so upset that the man I loved with all my heart has become such a cold hearted bastard.

He hasn't done a single thing to make me feel like there is any hope for our little family any longer. I know he will fight if he thinks I am being unfair. And if I go for any more than 50% of our house then he will think I am being unfair. And I am going to have to go full on for as much as I can, so he will think I am going for the jugular. So it will get messy.

I need to be strong enough to face down his full anger and fight. And I have to be sure of my position with all of my ducks crossed and dotted and lined up.

I'm still feeling the anger from last night.

Feel the anger. I think he has underestimated you by a loooooong way. I'd hate to be in his shoes!
Hope you and DD sleep tight - in separate beds ??

Anger is good! It'll help you line up those crossed and dotted ducks .

I've caught up with your posts about his double-crossing behaviour when you were going through those procedures. That's despicable but probably not a surprise to you now. Just extremely sad.

Pat on the back for managing to get DD to sleep in her own bed. That's something to get on your list of achievements - new things which you have handled well and successfully. Believe me, there will come a time when you are tearing your hair out because she won't get out of bed!, about another 15 years...

You have got all the right links in place to give yourself the best chance of a good outcome. Take all the advice you can and try not to think too far ahead. If and when he begins to squeal, you can be well insulated and be sure that the energy you use is directed towards your future, not his.

I can't believe that there's not even any faux contrition. Seems he's disappeared up his own arse - send him a torch, he's going to need it soon!

I don't post much but have followed your entire journey Tom.

You are amazing, you really are

Nothing would surprise me any longer about his behaviour. I actually think he is missing something quite fundamental to have been so utterly cold and frigid toward me. I think this is what you have all been very gently pointing me at for a while but it has taken this for me to accept it.

I need to get myself to a place where I can just deflect what he says.

My poor little dd was so excited about her new bed she couldn't drop off. I ended up lying down with her. I wouldn't be surprised if I have a little visitor in the night but I secretly quite like that.

Pleased you've had a reasonable day in the circumstances and that you will have RL support in the next few days with your friend and parents.

I agree that from his behaviour to date you need to at least be prepared for him to be unreasonable when it comes to dividing up your assets. I think your plan to keep up pretences while you get your ducks in a row is a good one.

I think for your peace of mind it's good you are going to get checked out. It's better to be sure. It won't be as bad as you imagine and they will be sympathetic and kind to you.

He is missing something quite fundamental - his brain. If he had one not only would he not have cheated on you in the first place but he would have done everything you wanted to try to win you back because you are worth a million of him.

I remember the first few nights of the proper bed..I ended up sleeping in the car bed and ds had wandered off to the big kingsize!

I haven't said it because I don't want to appear vain, but my friend said that at our wedding my friends had agreed that he was shooting above his weight (or whatever the phrase is).

I'm just so frustrated that I feel like I lost the essence of me for a while. Maybe I was caught up in his own hype but I thought he was amazing. I just don't understand how I got it all so wrong. I now need to put it all right again.

I'd quite like to end up in the pink elephant bed, nice and cozy!

I would call him Mr Shard: an empty monument to a dick.

Very good twinkle. He keeps going there too to "entertain" clients. I'm not sure how entertaining they find him to be honest.

Am wide awake with a little creature snuffling away beside me. My head is spinning.

Tomato, him shooting above his weight - can you see his narcissism in that?

Blood posted a few pages back. An absolutely fabulous post. I don't know what she does in 'real' life but I wish I knew her when I was starting to say to myself - there is something going on here, this is more than bastard syndrome.

I knew from day one what you were dealing with. Things you wrote brought out the same feelings and physical responses in me that I was going through until not so long ago.

Life will more than likely be very hard emotionally form now on in and it was only when I started counseling with a psychiatrist who 'treated' me as someone recovering from life with a personality disorder that I started to get better. Ordinary counseling just didn't cut it.

Right now I'm in Italy starting the real first day of my holiday, alone. It was hard on the aircraft yesterday because I was surrounded by middle aged couple all doing there big round the world trip from down under. I quite honestly could have cried. But a few hours later when my driver hadn't turned up and I was stranded at the airport I deliberately set myself the challenge of getting to the hotel using public transport instead of the pampered way I'd normally choose. Then later on I went out for dinner, again amongst courting middle aged couples I didn't feel sad, I sat there in the restaurant and said to myself - jeez fanny, just look at you! Just look at you!!!!

You have a good life ahead of you. Granted it may be very different to the one you thought you'd have, and you may further down the line feel the occasional bout of sadness, but life really will be good again.

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled.

You've said for a while you thought there was more to him. I've had a bad nights sleep but this morning I feel really relieved again I have a decision.

I also know that when things get tough I have an army of wonderful women who have trod this same path. And it's not that I didn't believe you in the early days but I couldn't believe what you were telling me. I had to get to the point where I could go "ok - he's a cruel bastard. I've now seen the lot - they were right" because until Tuesday night I was still hoping he was kind and considerate and compassionate in his heart.

I don't think I said it but before I met dh I travelled on my own for a year. It was the most liberating feeling ever - I learned a new language, met tons of interesting people, got by in some seriously sticky situations add had an absolute ball. That feeling of something going wrong and figuring out a solution - it's amazing!

Enjoy your trip. One day I am going to have to go to Italy to reclaim it for myself.

I said to him that I thought success had gone to his head. He said that he had slogged away for 12 years and he was going to enjoy it. He had told me on the way how he was being wined and dined by all these fabulous designers and how he was showing off to his best clients. Right there - the image of himself as a puffed up self important know it all. Yuck.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is with him this week. It's one of london's big weeks for the design industry and if he is still with her he may be showing off, and showing her off. That may be why he wouldn't let me see his phone.

ugh. yes tom i'm afraid he's very much in an entitled space. I think all your instincts are spot on and I think you are best well away from this toxic toxic, blinkered, arrogant man. Two years, I promise the reality of loss will hit him. But you're wasting your time til then. And by then I hope you are happy with someone else wiser and kinder, if you so choose.

It is ugh isn't it? I'm off men for now. I need to focus my energies on 1) dd and 2) me and putting my life back together. Anything left I would rather spend on friends rather than dating.

Good morning TomTom. Some of us may have been on similar journeys and can predict certain outcomes but this particular journey is yours and you can pace it however you want. If it takes you a while to comprehend what's going on then that's ok. Heck if you even wanted to take Shardface back then it's your life, your decision (don't you dare ).

He was ahead of you in this whole process the minute he started his affair. You changing his script is wrong-footing him but he's still ahead. But because he's behaving with depressing predictability (not that he'll know that cos he's a special snowflake) we can help you regain some ground. But never forget ultimately this is your life and your decisions.

It's so lovely to see your positivity shining through in the midst of all this crap.

weebirdie I hope you have a lovely holiday.

I said to him that I thought success had gone to his head. He said that he had slogged away for 12 years and he was going to enjoy it.

He really is such an almighty dick.

Enjoying success for him is in showing off.

Not quiet pride in important achievements that have made the world a better place.

But the performance of success - showing off in front of "important" designers (as anointed by current design consensus, so often later shown to be misguided).

It's of a piece with his performance of taste - his assumed love of jazz and disdain for less designery genres of music, his refusal to encourage his toddler's talents in the name of living in a home worthy of a designer.

Nothing substantial, nothing from the heart, just a surface. The very definition of shallow.

I'm an eternal optimist. Possibly why I put up with him being a dick for so long.

I need to figure out how I protect myself from his nastiness in all of this. He's already said a couple of bits but I don't think he has unleashed yet. I am sure he will want to hit back because I said some pretty hurtful things in anger which will have resonated whether he believes them or not.