Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Just catching up. Mr Tomato is a twonk.

My thoughts are that the affair is still happening, emotionally if not physically.

A food intolerance test wouldn't prove that croissants were the cause of constipation anyway.

Does a mother really have to get her child tested to prove that foodstuffs that seem to cause problems actually do?

If my husband said 'I think carrots may cause diarrhoea in x' I wouldn't keep feeding her carrots.

He likes the idea of being a father and husband but he doesn't really have the emotional capacity to make it real, it is all an act for him...another thing on his list of must haves

I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up with some sort of addiction

If I even suspected that something wasn't good for dd I would stop giving it to her. It's a no brainer. The pattern goes - dd has a croissant - she then doesn't have a poo for between 3 and 7 days. She gets uncomfortable, holds it in, is physically in pain and it's distressing for both of us. She will have a couple of days of respite and the weekend comes and she eats another croissant. She is now on movicol and I am relatively careful with her diet and she is a different child. She may have an intolerance, she may not, I have no idea, but I don't particularly like risking it. And if he had any respect for me he would have found some other food stuff to have as their special thing. There are plenty to choose from.

Anyway rant over. I'm just getting it out of my system.

I have just reached out to wise old owl. She may know a shit hot lawyer local to my parents who I could talk to next week, or I will start finding someone local to here.

I feel like I am making progress. And my back is much less tight after my amazing massage. Shame my thoughts are not more kind (to shard face).

I've been thinking about how he destroyed my confidence. I think he criticised every little thing I did. So when I got some pictures framed he criticised the frames I had chosen. Or I did a book of our honeymoon pictures and there was a shot that I had taken at dawn of a beautiful scene that I really liked and he dismissed it with an "it's not properly in focus".

I think over the years I have ended up second guessing myself. I'm not a perfectionist and he used his perfectionism as the way of getting at me. I don't know if it was intentional or not but the outcome has been the same. I never felt that I looked good enough, or my cooking was good enough, or my taste in anything was good enough.

Anyway, I have just been called about another potential job. By opening up to full time opportunities hopefully I can nail something in the next couple of months.

I think job wise I am going to take a job in my comfort zone that I know I can do well to build my confidence. I have a suspicion though that my view of the world has changed and I'll start getting disillusioned with what I do professionally. I am going to quietly start investigating counselling and maybe do an introductory course or two over the next few months. And maybe I should think about doing some kind of psychology course too - I feel like I'm on a crash course right now!!

FATE - yes I agree I think it's still happening.

Christina - yes maybe. I have thought recently that his drinking was getting all a bit secretive and odd.

Catching up here too. So much sadness in your time together as a couple, it is pouring out of you. Its a good thing and I am relieved to see you starting to realise that some of his erm... tastes are suspect. From food to décor.

Use your instincts with your DD and food. You will know what works and doesn't. For someone in a creative profession, you would have thought they could have come up with something other than croissants for a treat? Or does he need to be right every time?

You have a lot going on but its good to see you have retained your sense of humour! Its essential just to let off steam, even if it is black humour. I watch the design programmes when people have the concrete flooring and I just don't get it. Its a commercial material better suited to something that's not got any life in it. And to think its suitable for a family home! I often wonder if you turned up at any of these grand designs with their white walls and glass everywhere whether they would remain pristine. They look amazing but not for living in, not in my mind anyway.

Wow, amazing how similar he is to my ex (also architect). If it wouldn't out me I'd post some pictures of our (me and my two girls') house now :). He didn't have an affair, I just couldn't cope with any of the behaviours you describe and felt like I had no idea how I felt about anything any more. A few years on (apart: he has a girlfriend and I am single) we are both SO much more laid back and happier. The shock of my leaving helped him get over himself (that's not why, of course, but I did suspect it might be the only thing that drove any message home) and we get on surprisingly well now. I can't tell you how amazing it is to make and not question all my own decisions. I would say I'm now (after a fashion - a LOT of life crises hit at once around our split) one of the most independent and happiest people I know, and I'm really proud of the choices I'm demonstrating for my daughters. You're absolutely amazing, I'm not sure you have any idea. I think you will find you grow and blossom at a rate that astonishes you now he's not looming between you and the sun.

Avril - thank you. It means a lot to know I haven't gone utterly bonkers with the second guessing thing. And I'd love to see what kind of a home you live in now

Never - it's a bugger I think living in a "perfect" house - lots of cleaning and regular redecorating. Honestly though I know someone who has chucked out all of his family's possessions in search of the perfect design for the home. The house has no soul. You go round it going - where are all your clothes? And there is one tiny chest of drawers. I kid you not

Catching up on the afternoon's messages. I want to send you some non- matching yet jaunty egg cosies. And possibly some bunting.

I must admit I do love a nice house but would never have concrete , I like natural wood and lots of soft textures... And of course Ds pictures, toys , friends scattered about.. These things turn it into a home.. And candles, lots of candles!

Good luck with the job hunt TomTom!

You sound like the scales have fallen from your eyes and you are seeing your relationship more and more for what it actually was rather than what you hoped it was. Careful Mr BS (babel shard) doesn't accuse you of rewriting history now that you are starting to see the wood for the trees.

It's amazing the clarity you can get when you're no longer in the thick of it. I remember telling DH once that although my ex was abusive he did some lovely things for me sometimes, and gave him an example where ex once bought me a Wii as a present when it wasn't my birthday or anything. DH helpfully pointed out "but he bought it with your money" (I worked full time but all my wages went into our joint account which I was not allowed access to, ex had cut up my bank card etc). Can't believe I couldn't see it earlier.

Snoozy

Good post

I wrote a long message and my fucked up computer just erased all of it.
In short: I hate him.
IMO: With his sense of esthetics set in concrete he will end up bonkers and addicted to something that will be a substitute to the fluidity of life he is not able to grasp. Arrogant with low self-esteem he needs a 'concrete' proof of his positional status: a high-designer house with no soil.
He might have seen in you some potential to become the trophy wife he craves to have in his dazzling dwelling but you all you want to be is to become yourself: a lovely earnest down to earth mother. You refused to let him become your Pygmalion. How dare you?!!
You will be an amazing therapist/counselor.
You are already an amazing mum.

Snoozy I am sorry you had to go through your X cruelty before meeting your current H!

You guys are just amazing. Mama I thought your post was lovely.

Snoozy - I'm really sorry you had to live through that too.

For me, the deal breakers are that he lied and cheated for 7 months, he then said he couldn't guarantee he could be faithful, and he wouldn't show me his phone. He hasn't shown a jot of kindness and compassion.

The rest is just noise - I don't need to go through every little detail with people who know us in real life to justify any decisions because I have enough already. So he doesn't need to know that I am seeing my marriage through a different coloured lens. It is cathartic enough sharing it here.

I still think he is a talented man. He has the ability to be enormous fun and bring sparkle to life. I loved him enormously in the years before I got pregnant with only glimpses of what then happened.

I was walking home after nursery with dd. She was so happy in the garden at nursery when I collected her, and such a funny little chatterbox on the way home. I thought that if I only have one child in my life, I am extraordinarily lucky that she is the one child I have.

Day 2 in her big girls bed - I'm sat outside her room and I think she was asleep by 7.45 which is a big improvement on yesterday.

Christina and Hussar - nothing wrong with loving a nice house. My dream house has Dinesen wood floors. And lots of homemade crafty things like bunting and tea cozies

It's the cold stylised to extreme houses which don't do it for me.

He didn't get his hands on the wedding. I had bunting, bird cages and tons and tons of flowers. It was a really pretty country wedding where booze overflowed followed by the most amazing rocking band. So it all started out beautifully and ended in utter carnage. I'm sure there is a metaphor in there somewhere.

[tomato] I have read all of your threads, but with the brilliant advice that you are getting, I have never felt the need to add anything.

But today, I feel that I wanted to say how much I respect and am cheering you on in the background (probably like many others on this site).

You are doing what's best for you and DD, and that's how it should be.

It is his loss!

Take care Tom x

Thank you Lacoba - that means a lot.

I am seeing wise old owl at the weekend. All confirmed.

She has done so well! Looks like your not getting a wee go of the pink elephant bed :-(

I feel that too tom, I won't have anymore now but I look at Ds and think well I got everything in one little package

If I was half the woman you are, tomato, I'd be happy. You're amazing.

Not tonight I'm not in that bed. She even sent me out of the room once I said no more stories!

Have spoken to my mum and told her I am done. She is fully on board and had already said quite a few choice words to dad over the last week or two about MrBS.

She has also advised to start keeping a diary about contact with dd. I have realised that I have text and email trails so far which is our agreed mode of communication. I shall continue this because it could prove useful.

Just - I'm not. I'm just getting by. It's you guys who have been keeping me ok over the last few weeks.

I have followed your thread from the start.

I am really in awe of you, you really did give him every chance to prove himself to you and he couldn't even get that right.
You have been very fair and really strong throughout.
Your mother had him sussed very early on.

Everything will go well for you, because you deserve it.

Thank you brjce. I think it was really important for me to be able to move on to know that I have done what I can. I have been completely open about how I feel to him, and he has had 4 weeks now to start doing the right thing. He has failed even the most basic tests.

I'm now done. I need to start grieving for the future I thought I would have and the child I will never carry.

And the only way I can recover is by starting to build a nice future for dd and me. And my faithful cat.

What a pickle. I never dreamed a year ago that my life would have turned out like this.