Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Nice one Chris- How about Brick Dick? (Tom you might want to start a name competition- Chris got a god chance if I am to be a judge.)

I think the name Mr Narcissus ticks all his boxes

Not done bible study for 40 years, but wasn't the Tower of Babel, a tower built to as a monument to themselves. Hence Mr Babel, a man (who I am sure) thinks he should build a monument to his greatness.

The tattoo: it's to remind me of the qualities I possess that I though I had lost. Strength, lightness, freedom, usefulness (or something like that). I have been looking at images of semiplumes which (as well as being very pretty) functionally give warmth and are the final layer of protection from the elements.

I am liking the names. Mr Babel has the edge though. Very clever DrM!!

Have had a good day so far with my gossipy fun friend taking my mind off everything and her little dd. we left them at the park and are now home and I'm absolutely shattered. I could very easily fall asleep for the rest of the afternoon.

I'm even more sure that he isn't making the slightest of efforts because he has made his mind up already and is now going through the motions so that I am the one who walks away and he can say that I left him and he can play the victim. I think he's already starting that narrative off.

The diary is a good idea. I think I can update it from the moment I found out to now.

Yes, tom, quite right, this is very familiar. The thing that's really hard about people who are a bit narcissistic (and I've been this myself) is that their view of themselves is the most important thing in the world. Sometimes, when this overlaps, as it often does, with kindness and goodness and so on, others really admire them too. But in a situation like this, it is actually his own narcissism that is preventing him from leaving. He has damaged the relationship and so your view of him, and he doesn't like how that feels. So he has probably run immediately to OW, whose view of him does not reflect back so unpleasantly. And now he will wait for one of two things, for you to fall back into adoring 'pickme' and his glossy mirror image to be safely restored, or contribute so little care and effort that you will eventually be forced to walk away, just to maintain your sanity and self-respect.

Either way, he wins a view of himself he feels comfortable with. That is, to him, the most important thing. It is all a product of his view of him self. His self self self.

Have you heard from him today?

So Dr M won! Good to know your classics and Bible!
Fits well actually: Mr Babel. They built such a high monument to themselves to reach the skies that they became linguistically confused: they were unable to understand each other needs. Same with him it looks as if he forgot how we mere mortal talk feel and speak.
Have a nice evening Tom!

I've just read through everyone's comments whilst dd has been familiarising herself with her new bed (we have been practising going to bed, and she is now gathering up all her teddies to put them to bed too )

Thank you so much for posting everyone. I feel a huge weight of relief that I have made a decision, and having your support in the background has made me sure I am doing the right thing. Otherwise I think I would have doubted myself a lot more. I haven't spoken it through with anyone in real life yet, but am seeing one of my friends in the know tomorrow, and then lots of time with my folks over the weekend.

I'm going to reach out to his sister and meet up with her next week. I know blood is thicker than water, but I want to make sure I plant enough seeds of doubt with his family about any stories he may be telling. I want to keep things ok with them for the long term.

I am going to have to start being strategic and tactical know. My strategy is to secure dd's future. That means staying in our home until she gets into school in sept 2017. And having enough equity to get a small house/big flat in the area, with a little garden. My tactics will be how I best negotiate the money, and what I do about working, or retraining and actually childcare too.

I need to talk to a lawyer now to talk through my rights and personal situation. Wise old owl can help with lawyers close to my parents (may be cheaper) and my friend has a relation who is a divorce lawyer but vvvvvv expensive. But shit hot. I need to reach out to her in the next couple of days too I think.

I think I might keep this ticking along and not give Mr Babel (Mr B from now on) a clue. So that means he gets the book, we go to the counsellor, etc. Once I am ready I can then press the button.

So this is my plan. I feel like I've got that clarity again that I had after I found out for the first time but with more sadness, less anger. I'm absolutely shattered and I think I need to start eating more nutrients, less carbs.

I'm utterly devastated that I won't have another child. That I won't grow old with the man I married. That our dreams for the future are utterly shattered.

Right. Teatime, Bathtime, storytime and bedtime for piccolo to do. Although she is currently dressing herself in her new pink horsey pj's I promised for her first night in her big girls bed so we might be skipping a few stages!!

Xpost Christina - no I haven't.

Blood - that's very interesting. I have clearly not boosted his ego one little bit so he's letting me take the fall. Nice.

Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I feel a bit sorry for MrB for how he completely underestimates you.

He's in for a quare shock!

Best of luck, tomato. Your new plans sound great.

And best of luck to piccolo tomato in her first night in a big girl bed! :)

I don't feel sorry for him at all. He allowed me to go under a general anaesthetic to check my workings for infertility. He was in the middle of the affair at the time.

So no sympathy for him you hear me?

I called him on it last night. Apparently he wanted to have more children with me which is why he let me go ahead with it.

I'm good enough to be the mother of his children apparently. So I must have some redeeming features. It was a shame he wasn't able to name one when I asked what it was about me that he loved.

The man just gets lower and lower in my estimation

Were you actually trying for a family throughout the affair?

Yep

Oh tom

I don't mean to make you feel worse but have you thought about going to get yourself checked out

I have thought about it. I keep procrastinating over going. I haven't had any symptoms but I know some of the worst things are symptomless.

Ok I've checked. The nearest clinic is nearby and I will call them tomorrow to get an appointment. I just phoned but need to phone back in office hours.

It's awful but it needs to be done

And this is the fucker who judges other people for displaying their kids artwork and yet he can shag someone while trying to get his wife pregnant...scum

And he dares to criticize you over petty shit like the lawn mower

I know. He's just hideous.

I've just reached out to his sister. We are going to meet up next week.

Ah good, just keep your cards close to your chest, you don't want him to get wind of what you are up to

Don't worry. I'm not sharing my plan. I'm only going to be sharing the "broken" side of me.

Good girl...perhaps mention that you might be a tad late as you have an apt at the clinic....