Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Funny principles that make his p*s public property, but his phone is private.



This!

I would urge caution as you progress, he most likely has the equivalent of your WOO. Once exposed and all is lost, he may well turn nasty, especially in terms of the separation of assets and future support.

Absolutely this.

He has been aggressive and angry even while pretending to be contrite.

Once your marriage is officially over, he is going to try to bury you.

It might be worth doing a bit of dissembling over your intentions until you are ready to divorce him.

And by ready I mean having all your financial ducks in a row.

[Vivacia]

I think you should consider stopping going through the motions. Don't go to the next joint counselling session, don't give him the book etc.

However, reading your posts I think that our processes are very different, so this may not be very relevant advice!

[Nevergrowingup]

I wouldn't send him the book either. He's not going to read it - the man who knows everything already??

Also try not to put yourself in a position of having to defend yourself - in relation to you keeping him away from DD. As I said before, he flew off to Italy without a backward glance to his DD. She's not a possession that he has rights over. Think carefully about how to manage his time with her and don't feel obliged to explain anything to him.

He's trotting out all the old gems to make you feel bad. DON'T!! Work out a few phrases to use when you respond to him and don't expand on anything. Its the 'which bit didn't you understand' school of thought that you need to channel.

[Christinayanglah]

Re your dd, remember he put you here, he created a situation where he has to visit dd rather than living in the family home, he split her family....he did that

[MsPavlichenko]

I agree about preparing yourself for it to get nasty. The stuff about making it difficult for him to see DD is telling. I expect it is part of the narrative he has/is constructing to enable justification of his past/present /future actions. That you are/were difficult etc. He will no doubt start sharing it soon, if not already.

Good that you are seeing WOO as he has almost certainly got there ahead of you.

I hope you have as good a day as you can.

[tomatoplantproject]

Thanks all. I still need to read and digest what you are saying. I'm feeling utterly calm right now - dd is in a lovely mood which is an utter relief.

Do you know what, I'm going to go through the motions with him while I get myself together. I think I need to see a lawyer and if I can buy myself some time that would be great.

I need to start getting some advice about exactly how much I would be entitled to and working out in detail my game plan. And I think that includes job.

The next few days are sorted out and then I am with my parents for a few more days.

[DrMorbius]

Tomato - that would be my plan, go through the motions, send the books, wait for his response etc etc. In parallel build and action your plans.

Also keep a journal of requests for DD visits etc, then you will have proof when the accusations start to fly.

[Joysmum]

Think how many pages on here you have dedicated towards trying to understand the situation, work out how to move forward, do what's best for your DD, plus all your thoughts in between postings. Then your H turns up and has clearly given no thought to anything beyond wanting the whole mess to go away without any meaningful input from himself

Well said.

Given you sound like the same sort of person I am, I am going to go against the grain and say that giving the book is a very good idea.

I say this, not from the point of view that this will somehow give him an epithany, but because I think it's part of the process YOU need to satisfy yourself you've tied up all the losse ends and you hold no blame for the breakdown of your marriage.

Everyone else can see it, but the most important person who needs to see it is you...that can't be forced and will come in time.

[Hussarsataparty]

Love Love Love the tattoo idea - reclaim your body as your own. It's such a lovely smug feeling to think "there's something you don't know about me".

You gave him every chance to redeem himself - more than most would have done. And you can walk away with your head held high.

I'd agree about not sending the books: it would be a waste of money and energy for you, and is giving him another chance to let you down. He doesn't deserve any more of your kindness. Put the cash towards something utterly lovely for yourself and that he would hate

[BloodontheTracks]

I'm so so sorry Tom. I suspect he has been wheedling his way in with the OW and getting sympathy from her (who will probably be feeling guilty). he may even have told her he TOLD you.

It smacks of a man who cannot be without adoration for a moment, and will go where his sheen gets most polished.

That always fails, in the end. It is empty. And not a patch on true, battered, well-worn, leather love.

I'm sorry. And good god, the fact you feel bad about the bike fall and he can't even face the truth about what he's done and betrayed enough to feel guilty is signs that you can do SO SO much better. Wealth fuck off. Character is all.

[MaMaof04]

Yes Tom take time to process the last events.
I think that you do not have to read our posts no matter how much of us we put into them, if you do not have time or the heart to do so. They are here to tell you: we are behind you- you are not alone. So you might use them as a white noise to somehow calm the upheaval of your mind and heart.
Tom, if my understanding is correct you want to make run in parallel Plan A (somehow tempting to give him a last chance to come off the fog) and Plan B (exit with max security for you and DD.) It is good, IMO.
Now ladies and gentlemen about the book:
if he reads it then believe me the book is not going to tell him anything nice about himself. Betrayers with his post affair attitude -they decided to stop the affair and remain in the marriage without putting their heart in rebuilding it stronger- are deemed to have chosen the: The Negligent Homicide Option (if they do nothing nada nicht to rebuild their marriage) or the Detain and Torture Option (if they make a bungled haphazard effort to save their marriage.)
The book might either:

• help him break free from the fog, if (IF????) it is the affair fog that indeed prevents him from realizing the harm he did or
  
• help Tom break free from any guilt she might feel if her marriage is not saved. If he remains in his bastion that he is OK then it clearly means that this fog is a general madness fog (megalomania? pretention? arrogance? entitlement? some other mental illness) and Tom will have to leave him. The book will clearly support her feeling that she did her best and she can walk free from the marriage with her head high and her shoulders straight- and hopefully with her heart as light as a feather.

[magoria]

We can do this without legal help is also part of the script.

You are so strong even if you don't feel it.

[tomatoplantproject]

So mixed reactions about the book. I'm going to go through the motions whilst I get my ducks in a row and because there isn't a mumsnet consensus I am going to give it to him - I said to him last night I would. I'm really glad I took the actions I did when I did because I can't access some of the information any longer.

I have a feeling this is going to get horribly messy. He will fight. I don't think he realises how much I will fight either.

Tattoo - yes a feather. I had though about on my wrist as a personal reminder but am not set on that yet.

[Christinayanglah]

I you have mentioned the book to him why don't you wait until he asks for it?

[tomatoplantproject]

So mixed reactions about the book. I'm going to go through the motions whilst I get my ducks in a row and because there isn't a mumsnet consensus I am going to give it to him - I said to him last night I would. I'm really glad I took the actions I did when I did because I can't access some of the information any longer.

I have a feeling this is going to get horribly messy. He will fight. I don't think he realises how much I will fight either.

Tattoo - yes a feather. I had though about on my wrist as a personal reminder but am not set on that yet.

[Christinayanglah]

Why can't you access some of the information now?

[tomatoplantproject]

Not sure what happened there. Dd is testing her new bed out. Which involves countless renditions of sleeping bunnies and 5 little monkeys!

Oh the book is just noise. It's not actually important.

[tomatoplantproject]

I will pm you

[Christinayanglah]

Aw big girl bed, I remember when ds got his, it was a Ferrari and he was so excited...still sneaked into ours mind you!

[tomatoplantproject]

Hers is covered in pink elephants!

[Christinayanglah]

Lol brilliant!

[MaMaof04]

Tom love, about the tattoo on the wrist:
This experience is surely part of your emotional and spiritual journey in life, but it is just 'part' of it.
If the feather is the symbol of the light and yet robust strength of heart and mind you discovered in this episode of your life, i.e. if it symbolizes a meaningful part of YOU, a resilient You then IMO it might be good to have it on the wrist;
if it will remind you this painful episode in your life then maybe the wrist is not a good idea.
Maybe on your ankle? Isn't it what support you in this difficult journey and what will support in any difficult and thorny path life might bring you to? Tom has no Achilles Heels , she has a Tom's Feather and it takes her far!
About a nickname to him:
someone proposed as nickname to my H 'Connard' (cunt in French). I liked it because Connard is usually applied to people who might be very intelligent in their field but who usually have no clue of how to thread in the normal walk of life . So maybe you can stick the same nickname to your H. Of course in our post Miley Cyrus era we might call him : Wrecked balls. Chris also proposed many nice nicknames.
I love the idea of going to the same resto with friends to fix the bad memory it is now associated with. You will be able to talk to smile and wink to the waiters and also to rekindle your friendship with wine!
I am glad DD is in good mood - a credit to you!
Big Hugs.

[tomatoplantproject]

I'm going to think of names later on. Mama I like your suggestions too.

Right now I need to just straighten everything up for my friend and her dd. Lunch is ready to go in the oven and the girls should play nicely together and if it stays dry we can go to the park later.

[Christinayanglah]

New name....Evil KniEvel!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I've been following your threads.
I'm sorry he's not stepping up but I think you kinda knew that this is how it would pan out.
Get to that lawyer.
Stay strong and focussed and good luck on Friday.