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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:

Report

saffronwblue · 19/05/2015 23:37

Well done tomato. it sounds as if you got out much of what you needed to say and still kept it together to be able to interpret his woeful response.
You will probably feel very shakey and full of adrenaline for a bit. As you calm down try to get on the front foot regarding finances, contact with DD etc.
You felt empathy for his physical pain, delivered by the karma bike well done universe! and yet he feels no empathy for your emotional pain.

Jackw · 19/05/2015 23:38

Did he genuinely say that he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't have another affair?

Regardless of all the other crap, that has to be the deal breaker, doesn't it?

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:51

There are several deal breakers in there. I'm too emotional to break them down but they are there within my posts.

He twisted my words about the lawnmower incident. He said that he had said it was because I didn't know how to work the lawnmower. I corrected him saying he has told dd that I would just make a mess of it. I am certain of those words. I think I wrote them down in one of my threads at the time. I will not have him twisting what has been said. It makes me fucking furious to be called a liar on something I remember so clearly.

I had said that I was so angry I had been close to calling a divorce lawyer a couple of times. He immediately started saying how unnecessary that was - that we could sort it out between ourselves. I didn't say it but darn right I will call a lawyer. Sorting it out between ourselves means I don't get what I am due or what I need to build a strong future for dd and I. I will need every weapon I can muster to fight because once this adrenaline has gone I am more of a pushover.

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tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:59

He accused me of keeping him away from dd. I have given him access every single evening he has wanted it, and a day each weekend. He will get plenty of time with her this weekend. He said its because I have been so hostile it has made seeing her difficult. Well no shit Sherlock I have been feeling very hostile. But I have been careful not to use her as a weapon.

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tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 00:03

And Weebirdie and never - yes I think I will bow out of helping him make things right. I don't think my parents will be pushing me to make it work with him any longer. Mum had seen how he has been.

I'm just venting right now. I have nowhere else to do it and I'm wired to the hilt.

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glintwithpersperation · 20/05/2015 00:13

Hey Tomato, just de lurking to show my support tonight. I'm sorry that your meeting with H didn't go brilliantly. I hope you manage to get some sleep x

Weebirdie · 20/05/2015 00:57

Tomato. I felt I had to come back to this nice checked in because it suddenly struck me on the way to the airport that your husband set you up to call a day on this. He's too cowardly to do it so he has orchestrated things in such a way that you would.

He's in touch with the OW. He wouldn't let you see his phone. He said he might cheat again.

I would actually put money on this never having been 'off' and that he knew you well enough to know you'd call a day on it all regardless.

He's just been going through the motions as we all knew, and just as you sit down to talk with him that's what he tells you.

You were set up.

I'm really sorry

Xxx

Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 05:56

Aw tomato I am sorry. He's pretty predictable, I did say he would run to ow, he needs someone to tell him how wonderful he is

I wouldn't attend joint counseling, I would see a lawyer instead

I think the fact that he didn't even give last nights meeting a thought is all you need to know really , he isn't spending his time analyzing his behaviour and trying to change

And fucking good he got knocked off his bike .. His rather large ego would have saved him

Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 06:01

So he can go to counseling when he is having an affair but can't go when his marriage is on the rocks ?

Weebirdie · 20/05/2015 06:03

He really was predictable to those who've been round the same track with the same kind of man.

Weebirdie · 20/05/2015 06:04

Tomato.

I'm really upset for you.

A big hug to you from me.

Xxxxx

Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 06:07

It's a blow though, when you have spent weeks working out how to fix it and they haven't

I'm sorry tom , you deserve so much more xxx

tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:15

Morning. I managed to get some sleep thankfully but am now wide awake. I feel really shakey.

Yes maybe I was setup. It helps to think of it that way. The whole thing last night was such an enormous mess. He saw how much pain I was in and he did nothing and said nothing to comfort me. And on point of principle I couldn't see his phone. I asked him twice, the second time after I explained exactly why I needed to see it. Right now, it's the phone which has stuck as the deal breaker - some of the other things he said may do in the future, but that is the biggie.

So while I have been agonising and desperately trying to understand what he has done and how we start to rebuild he never actually finished it with her and hasn't given me a moments thought.

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Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 06:19

I'm sorry tom, he has kept his options open, probably told her that he has left you to think about what he wants

He will probably offer to show you his phone the next time you see him , he will have had a chance to delete everything

tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:21

Weebirdie, Christina thank you so much for being here right now. I'm so sorry you have both been through this too.

Do you know what? At least I've tried. I said what I needed to say in a bid to get him to wake up and get with the programme. I can now leave him with my head held high knowing it would never have worked out, not with him in the place he is currently in. He didn't make a monumental mistake which he is deeply sorry for. He was looking for an out from the marriage.

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tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:23

Christina - that's it. Last night was my one opportunity to see his phone with him caught unawares. He now knows I could ask to see the phone and can keep it clean so he can prove to me that things with her are off.

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Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 06:26

I think you always needed to get here but in a way that you could live with

He doesn't have it in him to do what you need to make this better

He's telling you who he is when he says he doesn't know if it would happen again. He doesn't need to have totally figured out yet why he did it , but he should know that he would never do anything again that would cause you pain or that would risk him losing you

tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:34

Yep. I needed to go through this journey myself. It's like there are probably warning signs that I missed along the way, before finding out, but I could never have called time on the relationship because of them. Even if the whole of mumsnet had seen them for exactly what they are knowing what will happen and what I would find out.

The affair is why I am calling time. And that all trust is broken and he is not man enough to face up to it. He has made it impossible for me to start forgiving him and so this is it.

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tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:37

And do you know what? He could have had a really nice life with us and whatever issues we had we could have worked on. Instead I'm going to fight to get as much out of the marriage as I can.

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tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:41

He asked me whether I was scared of the future. I said absolutely not.

He wasn't expecting that.

I told him that life without him around was much nicer and easier than life has been over the last few months with him.

He wasn't expecting that either.

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Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 06:44

I'm sorry I am getting angry now.. Fucking principle!!! So his principle don't allow you to see he phone but they allow him to stick his dick into someone else ... Aye right

Christinayanglah · 20/05/2015 06:47

He has you in a box marked. " good little wife", boy is he in for a shock

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tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:53

I don't have the words to describe him right now. His principles are pretty skewed that's for sure.

I'm probably going to spend the next few days of thinking of even more things I should have said to him but I think I have said enough.

The poor staff in the restaurant .

OP posts:

tomatoplantproject · 20/05/2015 06:54

And yes I don't think he had ever seen me fight before.

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 20/05/2015 06:55

That must have been a massive shock and disappointment for you tomato - I'm so sorry.

Still at least there is clarity now.

What a shit.

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