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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:

Report

saffronwblue · 19/05/2015 22:22

Hope it has gone ok for you tomato or even well!

Twinklestein · 19/05/2015 22:25

The phone says it all. After all the discussion, it comes down to one basic detail. If he won't let you look at his phone you can only assume he is still in contact. And if he's not, he's completely failed to understand a fundamental requirement of building up trust again. Point of principle my arse, what has this last year shown if not that he has none?

MsPepsi · 19/05/2015 22:25

I've just read your post from this eve and I feel for you. I was there a few years ago. My exH pretty much said the same as yours. We gave it a go for two weeks. In that time it never ever felt right. Not that I put myself on a pedestal but I expected him to work hard for his forgiveness. Turns out he was still seeing her. From that point on we split. All conversations were about our dd.

Don't get me wrong, it was bloody hard. For six months I was unrecognisable to myself but I'm in such a better place now. Whilst his affair went on, I was so depressed. He wasn't a bully but made me feel like awful when I wanted intimacy.

You will get a feel for what he is after by how he treats you and the effort he makes. Don't be afraid to end if there and then because you don't HAVE to try. Feel free to PM me if you like x

Twinklestein · 19/05/2015 22:27

Oh and put the bike down to karma.

Joysmum · 19/05/2015 22:33

He wouldn't let you see his phone.

He says its on point of principle, I call bullshit on that.

Even if this is true and he's got nothing to hide, once again his "principles" come at a price you have to pay and only serve him the selfish cunt

magoria · 19/05/2015 22:36

He wouldn't let you look at his phone on principal?!

You should have left then.

There is zero respect for the damage and destruction he has wrought on your life if he is pulling you up on principals.

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 22:39

Twinkle - that's why I asked to see it. I didn't know whether to ask to see it or not and just decided "fuck it". Either reason, that's it.

I had always said I wouldn't make a decision now and I always thought I would wait until everything was calm, but unless my words hit home and he does everything in his power to make things right I am done. Dd and dh are off to where our folks live at the weekend and I'm going to follow by train on Sunday I think. I'm going to see my wise old owl lawyer friend. I'm seeing a recruiter on Friday when dd is at nursery and I'm going to press the button on looking for a new job.

I'm feeling utterly devastated and alone. He has changed beyond recognition from the man I married.

OP posts:

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 22:41

I call bullshit on the phone too. It's why I'm done.

OP posts:

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 22:44

I accused him several times of not showing a compassionate response to seeing me hurt. He didn't even fucking flinch once. Not once did he break down and say that he was devastated about how much hurt and pain he had caused. He hasn't shown an ounce of empathy.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 19/05/2015 22:45

I'm sorry OP.

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 22:52

I opened the conversation by asking his thoughts on it all. He said I was putting him on the spot, and he hadn't thought about what to say. I said to speak from the heart, to just say what was in his head, that I didn't want rehearsed words.

Not very much came out. Says it all really.

The coward.

OP posts:

magoria · 19/05/2015 22:58

So you arranged to meet to discuss his affair, he accused you of putting him on the spot and he hadn't given it any thought.

That is how much your marriage means to him

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:01

It's just pathetic. He's pathetic. He's been playing mr successful businessman for too long.

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EquityDarling · 19/05/2015 23:03

I've only found your thread today and you sound amazing. I am so so sorry this has happened to you tonight. Please just let yourself be angry and upset - you are totally entitled to those feelings and don't need to make any decisions in a hurry. Just sending support...

EquityDarling · 19/05/2015 23:04

And yes he is pathetic. I work with a lot of so-called "high-powered" businessmen and they are almost without exception despicable human beings. The nice ones don't have the ego or arrogance to get there

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:05

Please don't be nice. You're just making me cry

OP posts:

EquityDarling · 19/05/2015 23:08

Cry. And yell - into your pillow if dd is close. And throw soft furnishings and soft toys. Consider tonight "It's a Knockout" in your house and stumble around throwing and crashing into non-sharp objects. Sometimes it's the only way - kids' toys are great for that kind of thing.

Twinklestein · 19/05/2015 23:08

Btw I didn't cover the accusing you of being angry - wtf? Well yeah. And not being able to assure you it won't happen again.

Perhaps it was serendipity that the counsellor was unavailable today, I think everything would have been more measured with her present, you really got down to the raw nub of it.

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:11

His accusing me of being angry was because I said when I needed him to be compassionate he was angry. I also said that I had the right to whatever feelings I had going on, and that I had asked for space because I needed to get to grips with my emotions.

And yes - the couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again. I am done. That is what getting and being married is all about.

OP posts:

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:14

I've said that we should use the counsellor in 2 weeks to talk about his response to what I've been saying.

I'm going to assume we are over though. It's going to take something quite special for me to change my mind.

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tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:16

And yes he got raw emotion. Anger mostly, and tears.

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Nevergrowingup · 19/05/2015 23:21

What a shambles he is. Not being open to you seeing his phone, being cagey about whether he has been in touch with her.

The writing is on the wall, its so sad Tomato - for you and your piccolo .

This man is a shell of a person.

Its too late to ramble on and I want to consider your words more. I think you seeing your WOO is an excellent move. I think you need to step back and work out how much more of your life is worth throwing away with this man.

He accused you of being vindictive and giving yourself license to say whatever you want? Too bloody right you can say what you want! Don't worry about saying things you regret afterwards. No-one can blame you for standing up for yourself. Did he expect you to be the 'little woman' and suck it up?

Its still early days so take time. You deserve a man who cherishes you, who values you and your DD above everything else. Anything less than that is a cop out.

Whatever you do now, do it in your own time. This is about you now.

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tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 23:28

Thank you never. I told him he was a shell of the man I married.

I've got a couple of busy days, a massage, a recruiter meeting, yoga. And I can start thinking again and planning my next moves.

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 19/05/2015 23:29

Tomato if you are done there is no need of the counsellor in 2 weeks.

You've had a horrible experience tonight. You don't need to see the phone. You don't need a counsellor. You are not going to get him to feel anything.

Please just hold your head up high from now on in and stop trying to get him to behave as the man he just cannot be. And not just because He knows who he is and he knows cannot be faithful.

Nevergrowingup · 19/05/2015 23:33

Weebirdie is right. He's making his choices - you didn't fall into line and enable him to be a complete shit. He sounds very indignant, very entitled.

Lots of things good happening though for you. A good move with a recruiter and some me-time to give you space.

Flip

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