Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Completely normal to feel like that.

One day at a time.

And one of those days things will become clearer.

Thank you. I thought you would be telling me I have to get a grip and take the bull by the horns.

Not at all. Just do one day at a time and when you are ready to make a decision you will know

It took me a year. Different circumstances mind you. Everyone is different with different thoughts and circumstances really.

A year seems like a long time. I'm nearly at 2 months.

Different circumstances. You will know when you are ready. I just mean that you can take a decision when YOU are ready and when your head is clear.

There isn't an easy way to escape the pain or a quick fix I'm afraid, it just takes time, your head and emotions are all over the place just now, that's why its not an ideal time to make any huge decisions

Whatever happens with you and dh in the future it's clear that you feel you have lost yourself, this, therefore is time for you. It's not even about the marriage at this point as you can't commit to anything until you know who you are. Think of this as a break from the life you had so that you can re evaluate, you don't need to put pressure on yourself to do anything. It's the summer, take a breath, relax and just be

Get up each morning and work on that day, no more than that, eventually you will do it without thinking xx

Oh and the security is in you, jobs, homes etc won't provide that. It's when you know that you are okay with you

Tomato. I know you're confused and my point was that if you are living a kind of limbo you will feel in limbo. It's all her normal. Xx

Her??

That makes perfect sense Weebirdie.

Christina - does this count as an ok day? Yoga this morning, then a massage, then a healthy lunch, then a spot of reading and lining up some new books on my kindle.

Dd managed to make it to nursery without her beloved rabbit so I have washed him.

And I have 2 second round interviews being lined up, 1 from yesterday and 1 from the fab interview I went for last week. Apparently I am more measured and mature than a few years ago (whatever that means).

So not a particularly productive day but I'm not feeling blue either which is a step in the right direction.

It Sounds like a great day. All of it.

And the bit about your maturity would go very much hand in hand with regard to not being the one who went off and had an affair. I said something very similar to Phee - that very often there is a mismatch in emotional maturity and the one who's not so emotionally mature can end of causing havoc. They don't look at their loved one and see them for what they are, they look at them and see everything they themselves are not and they can't handle it.

Great day! Good news about the interviews...I so want to be called mature

Apparently I am more measured and mature than a few years ago (whatever that means)

Awe you're all grown up now

I think it might have been the first time, ever

I am so so so so sooooo proud of dd. No accidents today or yesterday and both days she was at nursery. She is currently chowing down toast and peanut butter, filthy from goodness knows what.

I have no guilt at all about her spending more time at nursery - she's blossoming there. The tricky thing is that she gets so tired.

I think my moods are connected with having some time to myself. Interesting.

She's a big girl now

With a mind of her own

I wonder who she takes after.....

Woo-hoo-hooooooo

It sounds as if she thoroughly enjoys nursery

I'm getting dragged to see Jurassic world tomorrow!

She does. It's taken months for her to settle in but I think she's having a whale of a time now.

Lucky. You. Just. Where. I. Have. Always. Wanted. To. Go.

Not.

Morning. House feels really empty - it's the first night I have spent away from dd since I escaped to me parents without her for a few days. And because I went out last night I woke at 6. Grrr. I could have done with a long lie in.

I have been trying to do lots of nice things and it's kind of working. I put on my best dress (and heels) and went to my friends amazing cocktail party. On my own (although I knew a few people there). At one point the discussion turned to how we would feel about our children's resemblances to their fathers if we split. And whether cheating was genetic.

I just hope dd has inherited his artistic streak and that morals are taught and learned rather than inherent.

I didn't say anything about my situation because it's all too raw and I don't want sympathy or pity. But at some stage I am going to have to think about whether to be more public about what has been going on.

I had a long chat with my mum yesterday about how nervous I am about Tuesday and going to the counsellor. That my moods are still massively up and down and I can't help but snipe at him when I see him. Her view is that I have been so deeply wounded that every time I have to even face considering talking to him the hurt comes to the surface again. She is of the opinion that I shouldn't open up too many discussions until I've settled into a new job - that working will help restore my confidence and give me other things to focus on.

I am trying to rehydrate before yoga I an hour. Which will have been 3 sessions in 3 days. He is taking dd to his parents for a few days next week and I will do another run of yoga then too. I'm starting to feel a bit more flexible although I don't have that amazing yoga toned body yet. I fear that might take years rather than weeks to develop.

He will be with his family for Father's Day - his sister is going to help dd put paint to card for him so that's one activity averted.

Right. If I get a move on I can get the paper and have a half hour style magazine before yoga.

I haven't posted before Tom but I have read your threads.
You're doing marvellously. Remember he had months where he knew what was happening and made his decisions, all the time you were searching for reasons for his cruelty; give yourself time with this decision. Be proud of your boundaries and those lithe limbs you're developing!

Thank you. Some days I'm good and others I get so low. I'm normally much more balanced.

I wouldn't say lithe particularly... Flexible for me is being able to touch my toes.

Tomato, will be back in later to catch up with your earlier post but for now I just wanted to say 'Hi' before I go and see one of my grandchildren who's going away to Romania tonight for 3 months. Its so hot here the wee ones dont have a life during the summer and what with Ramadan starting in a few days its makes it all the more difficult for them.

xxxxx

Hi Weebirdie. Get those cuddles in!! Xx