Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Sometimes my head whirring drives me crazy. I can't stop it. I want to get back to work so I have something else to focus on, and yes getting dressed up, having adult conversations, actually achieving something.

Des he know you are looking for work?

Yes. And he's ok with it. He saw me last week on the bus into work, and he's collecting dd from nursery on Thursday so I don't have to rush back from another interview.

We had a bit of a bust up a couple of weeks before I found out because he overheard me telling some friends I felt I had sacrificed my career for his. He didn't have much of a leg to stand on once I had finished explaining in a bit more detail.

The ridiculous thing is that he is the one who runs his own business, so if he put his mind to it he is the one who could work flexibly. I've been looking for part time work for ages and ages and there just isn't much around. It's restrictive enough saying I have to work 9-5.

Well you did sacrifice your career, okay iw was something you wanted to do for your family but it has made his life a hell of a lot easier

It's a nightmare trying to get part time work

Yep. More fool me.

I agree it's a nightmare. If I can I will get a full time job and see if I can juggle it in to 4 days a week. But the job I really want won't be possible - the lady who would be my boss joked that if anyone is going part time it is her. Except she wasn't really joking.

Do not ever underestimate your role as the wife of someone running their own business.

Do you know the least supportive manager I had, in terms of family friendly policies, was a woman with three kids......

Weebirdie - I know. I'm not underestimating. I carried him big time, shielded him from family stuff so he could focus on work, giving him advice, support.

I've seen that too, Christina. A sense of "if I can do it then you can too" forgetting that to work all hours you either need a fantastic family/stay at home husband or a live in nanny.

There are a number of jobs I haven't even put myself forward for because core hours are 9-6. If I had it in me I would start a campaign on that alone - it's discrimination against working parents.

And then there are the school holidays.... 8 weeks!

I've seen that too, Christina. A sense of "if I can do it then you can too" forgetting that to work all hours you either need a fantastic family/stay at home husband or a live in nanny.

If I can do it (on my salary) then you can too (on your salary, which is barely half of mine. i actually pay my nanny more than you.)

I have witnessed someone's supervisor trying to be all empathetic with admin level staff about summer childcare. He mentioned the cost of sleepaway summer camp for a month, and someone blurted out that she wouldnt even earn that much in a month, and was barely able to afford the sliding fee for the summer club and was skipping lunch to leave work early to get there before it closed! Not his admin, hbut still, it was great to see him look sooooo uncomfortable.

Good. He deserved to look uncomfortable. The least he could do.

Night y'all. I'm hoping to get more than 6 hours tonight. Xx

Hi Tom - hope you've had a couple of good sleeps by now, and hopefully your week is OK?

Hiya. Still feeling blue but I am guessing that comes with the territory. Sleeping ok but I have a little visitor every night in the wee hours who clambers in. I don't feel like I am being a good mummy at the moment because I don't have the patience she needs and have been quite snappy, not that she has noticed.

She's now at nursery and am on way into town for a couple of interviews this afternoon. Running late (slow buses) for the first one which isn't helping.

I've taken the extra nursery days but the cost has made me wince so I really have to get a job sooner rather than later.

I just want something nice to happen, you know? Like a nice job, or for this all to have been a horrible dream. One or the other. In the meantime I have dd, my family, friends and yoga. And you guys xx

Good luck with the interviews. I'm sure they will snap you up and another door will open for you.

Thank you. One interview was with a recruiter for a specific role which sounds promising, the other was a role which was great on paper but not at all exciting in person. Onwards and upwards.

I wish I could shake these blues. Am sat in the garden on a beautiful sunny evening but nothing is right. He has collected dd from nursery so I didn't have to rush back from the interview and she is squealing away with him. She never laughs like that with me.

I wish I could just escape my head for a little while. Fast forward a couple of months. Have a crystal ball so I could see myself happy in the future instead of this constant waiting for something different and downright nice to happen.

And here I am, wishing my life away. I have always promised myself I wouldn't do that.

At the risk of repeating myself, I think that the less you see of him , the better you'll feel. He doesn't need to be playing with her in your house/garden. He could take her to the park/his flat.

And, him picking her up, that is not a favour to you remember. It's part of actual, hands on parenting. You do it all the time. You being at home with DD at the moment is what allows him to pursue his career. Picking her up is the least he can do in helping redress the balance.

It's that longing for stability and peace that forces is into making hasty decisions that we later regret

This is a horrible period and it really is one day at a time, focus on making that one day good until you don't need to try any longer

I know. It's not helping.

He's having her for her first overnight on Saturday - he's going to take her to ikea to buy some stuff for her and then she is going to stay at his place.

If that goes well he is going to start doing one overnight a week.

He's very nervous about how it will go and I keep saying that she will be fine - I hope she will see it as one big adventure.

X-post Christina. I hadn't thought about taking it one day at a time and just thinking about that one day. That might help thank you.

How was it? Seeing him I mean

Ok. I have stopped feeling angry and I have stopped feeling so on edge when he is around. Blue pretty much sums up everything. I'm just sad that he did this to our little family.

He's backed off I think. He's giving me more space and is sorting out the practicalities to have dd at his place more. He has stopped being angry. He has said he deeply regrets what he did. All of these are positives but I just feel empty when I think about him.

He has hurt you very deeply

His actions have shocked you to the core and that has made you question what has been real in your world, it's partly why you are so desperate for something to happen, you need a bit of security

So if you can describe how accurately I feel, what does your crystal ball say will happen next? When is that glimmer of security going to find me?

Tomato you hold the key in all of this and until you tell your husband you dont wont to reconcile you will be stuck in the same place you are now. So it really is something you either have to accept one way or the other.

xxxx

I'm not ready to

I don't know how I feel about him. I feel utterly hurt and betrayed and empty. I loved him so wholeheartedly. I just want everything to be ok again.

I feel like I can't tell him to fuck off forever until I can stand on my own two feet. And when I have my own sense of independence back I might feel differently about him.

So my head is a muddle, I feel really low, I just want things to change but I can't tell him how I feel because I don't trust my feelings. I'm so up and down I'm not being rational.