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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 09/06/2015 18:41

I know you're real OP. I knew that thread wasn't real. I didn't post once on it for that reason, other than today to apologise for not alerting people.

It's all good.

Twinklestein · 09/06/2015 18:42

Good luck for this evening, was what I meant to say.

Weebirdie · 09/06/2015 18:47

Oh and I didn't post on the other thread either because the bit about the husband being on the phone to her whilst being 'with' the other women and the 'noise' being attributed to the cat made me very suspicious because in this part of the world a bitch barks, it doesn't meow.

laurierf · 09/06/2015 18:53

I have barely posted on your threads because you are getting such good support and advice from others and I don't want to say the wrong thing, because what you're going through is clearly true and real and so important… but I am willing you on along your road to rediscovering happiness.

When you offer support on a thread that is a fake, there will be many lurkers reading your supportive posts and advice - as you speak from a position of experience - for whom the situation is only too real and so for whom your support is wholly valid and welcome.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2015 18:53

Sometimes a sly "I bet you can't do x and y" with a toddler gets results. As well as the enthusiasm over what she's doing next just as soon as she's executed z.

Hats off to nursery workers and childminders, they earn their salaries.

Some threads do sound like fiction plots others sound so mundane as to be realistic, most fall between. I guess that's why MN prefer troll hunting restricted to Reports to HQ not open challenging.

We post in good faith and there's a host of people 'lurking' not posting and if someone reading really is in that predicament, the advice still stands so it's not all wasted.

Twinklestein · 09/06/2015 19:12

I wouldn't stress too much about trying to potty train her, my daughter did it herself. A few accidents obviously, but it was very quick.

Weebirdie · 09/06/2015 19:19

Yes Twinkle, that was only ever the sole extent of my children being potty trained.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 19:36

Thanks all

Weebirdie - hahahhahaha!!!

To be honest the potty training has been easy. As my friend put it, we have been "preparing" for months. She has been ready for a while but I haven't pushed her and have been a bit distracted. I had been dreading having to stay in for a week clearing up wee so have put it off and put it off. I'm so proud of how she has just got it. I now have to order the pinkest and fairiest lamp I promised her that will replace all the nappy changing stuff in her room.

Thank you for believing I'm not a troll. And I hope there are people out there who benefit from the wisdom that is on these boards.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 19:53

I just want to share. I said to dd As I was saying goodnight that I was so proud of her not wearing nappies and she just looked at me and said "I'm a big girl now". Made me well up a bit. She is a big girl now in her proper bed and no more nappies (during the day).

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 09/06/2015 19:56

She's a big girl now and she's owning it Smile

You have every right to be tickled pink. xxxx

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 20:09

I need to make sure I treasure these little moments. She is such a little star and is just being a toddler testing boundaries when she's pushing my buttons.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 09/06/2015 20:19

Yes you do Tomato because the years will go by more quickly than you ever thought possible.

I missed a lot of my mummying at various stages with my other children because of my youngest and the level of care he needed and its one of the reasons why I spend every minute possible with them now that I can. As for my grandchildren - well, there aren't enough hours in the day to love them and enjoy them.

I couldn't care less if the roof blew off my house as long as I have my lot.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 20:23

I bet they all ADORE you xx

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 09/06/2015 20:42

Aw she is doing so well, bless her. I wish I could go back and do it all again, it goes far too quickly. In saying that, even at 10, ds has jumped in for a cuddle before bed

I would take the nursery time , you will be a better mum if you have had a break

Sorry I haven't been on, nephews birthday yesterday so it's been a tough couple of days xx

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 20:50

Taking the nursery spot will help solve a problem I have been putting in the box marked "something I will attend to when it becomes urgent".

I bet that was hard Christina. My heart goes out to them all. Xx

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 09/06/2015 20:53

Did you hear anything about the job yet

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 21:05

No. She said she wants me to come back for 2nd round but is seeing more people this week so I need to hold fire. I have another two on Thursday afternoon.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 09/06/2015 21:10

It's exhausting going for interviews, I only recently started looking after five years at home, it's really difficult trying to get something that fits. I have also realized that I won't get back at same level even with an MBA

Weebirdie · 09/06/2015 21:16

I bet they all ADORE you

I think they do but please don't ever think we're The Waltons. Grin

And fingers crossed for the job.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 21:20

Clever girl, having an MBA. Someone will definitely snap you up. Tell you what, I'll get a job and then I'll get you a job! Xx

It is exhausting. I've been really badly burnt working for the wrong company and I don't want to get it wrong.

You don't need to be the Waltons, just the Birdies. Xx

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 09/06/2015 21:33

Ohhh yes, but I am a pain in the backside as I only want part time!

How long have you been off for? I've been doing some volunteering with Princes trust and I have loved it

How do you feel about dd going for an overnight with him?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 21:36

Have been off for just less than a year. Which is why I want to get back asap so I don't have too much of a gap.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 09/06/2015 21:38

Oh and I'm perfectly happy for dd to be with him - they adore each other and I know he will look after her.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 09/06/2015 21:39

Your doing the right thing, I feel like I am starting from scratch

It will be good for you and hopefully take your mind off things. I do missed getting dressed for work and the social aspect of it

Christinayanglah · 09/06/2015 21:40

I was just thinking it's another step in that direction