Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

MaMa - Fantastic Buttocks works better in French because of the alliteration! Apologies for the diversion.

Hi tomato

Just popping in for a little hand squeeze. :)

I'm here! I have been ok for the last couple of days. Am just trying to get on with things. I haven't been paying enough attention to poor dd in recent weeks and I'm determined to get her out of nappies this week. She's totally ready.

Reading about that poor lady who found the emails yesterday has made me realise how far I have come already. And I'm still here. And still ok.

He told me yesterday when he brought dd back that he was really suffering. I thought "good". Maybe the full realisation of what he has lost is hitting him.

I read that thread and it really brought tears to my eyes.
Recollections of what had happened to me.
Men are shits.

Anyhow...... Good luck with the nappies!
I got my DD to choose sweets. Put them in a colourful bowl. She knew she'd get 1 sweet for a wee on the potty and 2 for a poo.
Done in a weekend after ages of trying.
That's the best advice I ever got regarding potty training.
And at 17 she doesn't really have a sweet tooth at all!

I've been trying off and on since feb to get her into pants. So far today no accidents - she had taken herself off to the potty or loo 3 times!! She was like this with walking - she is only brave enough to do something when she is really confident she can do it and more than ready.

We are currently sat in our little garden. She is naked playing with all sorts of bath and sandpit toys and her old baby bath singing to me.

He told me yesterday when he brought dd back that he was really suffering

And what's the betting he didn't ask how you were doing?

'I'm suffering, I've hit rock bottom, I need your help, I I I I'

'I have an ego the size of a massive concrete house'.

Actually he did. I was shocked.

He told me yesterday when he brought dd back that he was really suffering.

You have to wonder what goes through their head at such pronouncements.

Clever DD! What a landmark.

So he has learnt to ask how you are after being pulled up on it last week.

Its basic stuff and if I told you even my grandchildren alway ask someone how they are would it help you to understand how stunted your husband is?

As for your little girl - she is a super

PS - I know you are holding off telling him that things are definitely over but one way of stopping these conversation would be to tell him its over because whilst he still thinks he's in with a chance he will try to get you weaken anyway he can.

im also going to suggest something that I hope you'll trust comes with no malice at all. It can be quite a powerful feeling to have the upper hand after everything thats gone on but please try to ensure it doesn't lead to further complications.

No malice intended at all. Honestly.

So he has learnt to ask how you are after being pulled up on it last week.

Quite.

Did he manage to say 'I'm sorry for the suffering I put you through' or did he just highlight his own?

I'm sorry I'm not being very charitable OP, but telling you he's 'suffering' at this point is just annoying.

I want to get myself sorted with a job before I tell him. I want to feel like I have properly reclaimed my life again. I wanted to sit with the decision for a few weeks to make sure I was very comfortable with it.

I'm not entirely comfortable it is the right decision yet. My head has stopped whirring and I've stopped the constant thinking "how could he?". It's like my brain is starting to relax. I don't know whether that is because I am starting to get stronger, or because I'm not battling to reconcile what has happened, or because I can be more selfish with what I do and am enjoying doing what I want to do.

In a nutshell I'm not ready.

He's just feeling sorry for himself. I don't know what the answer is to "I'm suffering".

• I'm sorry you feel that way
• Join the club
• It's entirely self inflicted
• What did you think would happen when I found out you had been shagging an Italian tart you knob
• Good

Thanks Tomato. Understood

As for whats the answer to "I'm suffering"

Well for me that would be there's no answer and not just because there doesn't always have to be one.

Weebirdie it really helps to be pushed on these sorts of things. Sometimes by you asking and me having to think through my answer gives me the confidence I am taking the right course of action.

I didn't actually respond to him.

Yes, I agree, wee. Tom, the fact that you are even contemplating what the 'answer' is shows you are still engaged in the dance with him. That you owe him an answer. That you are in dialogue. So yes it's clear you are not yet detached, if that is indeed what you want to do.

Truthfully I think there is a big difference between wanting things to be back to how they were and wanting to actually be in a relationship with this man. I think wanting to be a family is not the same as wanting to be in a marriage with him. I think the fact that you have used the image of there being 'two of him' for so long and wanting 'the old one back' is a sign that you are not yet detached enough to see that he is one whole person, capable of all these things, and that is what you would be reconnecting with, not a binary switch he needs to flick.

There is no response to him necessary. You are not responsible to him in that way.

Mama, I did get married very young but I also had further education, granted not much of it, and I ended up as a computer programmer way back in the day when computers took over a whole floor of a building.

I never really worked. We made the decision that my husband would pursue his career and its not a decision Ive ever regretted. He was and still is a very high achiever. I was also happy to be a SAHM mum in a country where I had no family to back me up so it seemed a bit daft for our family life to be compromised while I went to work. I could only have juggled to a certain extent with my husband also being away a lot.

You said I come across as highly educated but Im not really. I've just always lived in amongst people (even as a child) where learning was important so Ive always 'kept up' so to speak. It has been said a few times that Im the waste of a very good brain but Ive never take it personally .

I have no formal training in psychology but with my son Ive had to learn about the brain and human behaviour and Ive now got about 24 years of lay mans experience behind me. I also give talks on autism at our local teaching hospital.

I was very good at English at school and I have the Scottish equivalent of an 'A' level but for some reason my writing skills are very poor. I don't know what happened to them so later on in the year Im doing an Open University course that prepares people for a return to study and further on down the line I may just do a Psychology Degree. I'd been thinking of it for a while but its my sons Psychiatrist, he's a Professor of Neuropsychiatry, who's really nudging me in that direction. He has said I have it in my to go as far as a PhD but I think thats a bit far fetched and not just because at my age I really only want to enjoy my life without any additional pressure.

There's a lot I could say about my husband but I wont because when it comes to me enjoying life after very hard years with my son, (and subsequently my husband) my husband really does only have my best interests at heart, he does nothing to make life a struggle for me, and there's absolutely no need for me to be adding complications to it myself.

Im quite happy to just mosey along.

Blood - I'm not sure when that proper distancing will come. I've thought that once I get a job I will feel in a different place and have something else to absorb my brain. It's difficult to detach when I'm home with dd a lot.

Weebirdie - your writing is good. Great in fact. You are very eloquent in what you say. Don't let that be the thing which holds you back. Someone can teach you how to organise your thoughts and build an essay if that's what you struggle with.

I am in awe of everything you have gone through and done, and how much your kindness and general humanity shines through xx

Hi tom

Your mood seems to have evened out, which is a good thing, it was all getting a bit too much

Are you still planning to see the joint counsellor?

We have a session with the counsellor planned for next Tuesday. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

Am feeling much more like myself. Less up and down. It helps that dd was in a lovely mood today and a real joy to be around. We have quite a social week planned which also helps me not mope around, unlike last week.

I spoke too soon last night. Today has been a shocker. I am feeling really trapped. I am so very proud of dd and her amazing toilet antics (no accidents again today) but I don't have the emotional reserves to deal with the constant negotiating, chivvying and heading off tantrums to get her to do anything, including nice activities for her.

I've just had an email from her nursery offering extra space which I am going to take up and cross my fingers I will have a job sorted by then (then If I get a full time job I would just have 2 days a week to find cover for which mum could always do for a while).

I'm fed up of being fed up. I'm fed up of waiting for news on the job front. I'm fed up of not getting quite enough sleep.

We have agreed he is going to have dd for her first overnight at his flat at the weekend and then possibly one night a week during the week.

Everything is moving forwards but nothing has changed.

It really upsets me that the other thread was a troll. It's like someone is taking advantage of situations like mine for their own sadistic pleasure. And I don't want anyone to think that I'm not real. Because I am and I have been so reliant on the support I have here. I should stop reading other threads in relationships.

Tomato, up's and down's are very common and it matters not a jot that you may have had a good day the day before.

And its ok to be unsure that you have the stamina to go it alone with DD because thats what good parents do - they want to do their best and they worry they're not up to it.

As for nursery - take the place even if your still some way of getting back to work. The time out will do you good even if its you catching up on sleep during the day. This marriage breakdown malarky can seriously harm your health even if it 'just' ruins your immune system for a while and you end up catching all kinds of colds.

And being fed up is ok as well.

The other thread - dont take it to heart. Its far better to be a poster offering support to a person in need than to be the person who's so unhealthy emotionally that they make up awful tales in the internet.

Does anyone doubt you are real? Thats one of those questions I spoke of a few posts ago. You know - the kind that doesn't need an answer.

Thank you. That makes me feel much better. Dd has jumped in the bath (for once) and is currently drinking bath water as if she's not had a drink all day. Which may actually be the case, but not for lack of opportunity. I had better pay some attention to her for the last hour of her day and then I can find something mindless to watch on TV.