Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Oh Tom I could just give you a big cuddle xx

Yep. You got it.

It was a rejection of the essence of who I am, underneath everything.

I think that was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. He was someone it was safe to be really silly with and he was silly back. At some point it stopped being silly.

Tom, not much to add to what Chris said.
I still mourn the little family jibes and jokes. They will never come back. The affair is a huge shadow. Nothing is that innocent anymore.

And Tom it is OK to be confused and to be hurt. We are normal. WE are OK. The betrayers are not. Their double life twists our lives and distorts our believes/behaviors.

You will mourn the future you have been building for years- and it means you will mourn him as well; because he had an important part to play in this future. But you know in pain we give birth: from this pain another life will emerge- different but at least as satisfying as the one you planned to have with him.
The ability to be happy resides in us and does not depend on the people we are with.
Good Luck

I know, it's nice having someone who has that little childish bit about them. It's the things that make you laugh that no one else would get. What a fool he was not to treasure that

Even if he were to say everything I needed him to, and not put a foot wrong, I don't think I can ever trust him to be that vulnerable with him.

Thank you mama for giving me some hope that I can be happy again. I keep thinking if I do everything I can to rebuild my life and get it back on track as soon as I can the sooner I can get some happiness again.

I think possibly you could have dealt the the affair,,it's the rest of his behaviour that has caused the permanent damage

And such a change in a partner makes us doubt our memories, doubt our judgement, and throws everything on its head. Ex partners in these circumstances seem to harden right up so we can hardly see who we thought they were any longer. It's a very cruel thing to do.

I'm sorry you seem so down today, Tom. Hope a good night's sleep leaves you refreshed tomorrow.

I said that to my friends last night actually - that I have been very surprised that the affair wasn't the unforgivable part - it's his behaviour toward me that I can't get over and which is going round and round and round in my head.

Hussars - you are right. I don't recognise him any longer.

I'm definitely having an early night tonight and have yoga/time for me tomorrow.

I've gone to bed already - heaven!! Its my fave thing to do - I'm just watching the trees moving in the breeze outside, trash TV is on in the background, can't ask for more!

Okay I will confess ...I am going to watch big brother

I knew it!!

I'm still on House of Cards. I think I have dedicated 30 hours to it over the last few weeks.

Love house of cards

Oh and I also feel sick as I have scoffed Ds' Thorntons special toffee

There is uneaten chocolate in this house. Unfortunately it's the chocolate he bought me for Easter. I haven't been able to bring myself to eat it.

I have no such principles when it comes to chocolate

I would have said the same... Up until a few weeks ago.

Im going to suggest that the affair and the behaviour are one and the same thing and that by not being able to forgive the behaviour you are in fact not forgiving the affair either.

We are told affairs should be something we are able to get over so we find other things to say we cant get over.

Just my thoughts.

Yes you may well be right. Ok I'll rephrase what I said.

It's his behaviour while he was having the affair which has bothered me the most. I haven't actually dwelt on the two of them being together that much. It's not the physical act but the emotional connection they had which is the real betrayal. I cannot comprehend how he could contemplate leaving dd and I for 7 meets.

Did he really have an emotional connection with her? They do t even know each other , it was all fantasy , lies and role play

The horrible, rejecting behaviour was part of his affair. He found someone new and in order to justify to himself why that was ok, he had to trash bits of your relationship. Re-writing history I think it's called. So that if he ended up with ow he could say, me and Tom drifted apart etc. He's basically ruined it. Left you questioning and doubting your self. He's taken your closeness and stamped all over it with big heavy boots. Now he'd like it back. But he's gone too far, he's blown it.

That's a really accurate way of describing it. Except his boots would have been way more designed.

I like your humor Tom.
I will expand a bit the designers comparison/metaphor:
Have you ever seen a cheap copy of a designer bag sold in some stall in France? Apart from the name and some general lines it does not look like the original one at all. If anything it stresses more what is so special in the authentic one: the little subtle hand 'finitions'- the subtle textiles- the delicate color- and the loving presence of he crafty hand in every corner and every seam etc
So he used Italian designers boots to try to stamp you- he couldn't- so he invented some cheap copy of you with all kind of flaws. Of course you are not a bag. It is a silly comparison. It was just to re- tell what FantasticButtocks (it is a fantastic name by the way) said in other words. (I am not buying designers stuff. I love some of the products they create and especially the way their craftsmen/women work on them. But I do not have enough monies to afford them.)

You are the authentic Tom. A man blinded by concrete can easily loose his good tastee and his common sense especially when it applies to Humans.

Hussard: I love your little jewel of a post! I hope you had a good night. Have a nice week-end all of you!

wee I know you said you were married at the age of 16- still you come across as a highly educated woman. Have you studied psychology?