Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Nope. But once they get back I will give dd a massive hug and then go and take my time to get ready. He's going to be busy with dd and I'm then meeting my friend at 7.30 when she will be dropping off to sleep.

I meant when you go home after your night out.

Just be careful love.

It might all just be quite a heady mixture.

xxxx

Yes I know. I will be careful. And thank you for the warning. I might get my friend to come in with me for a cuppa tea xx

Yes, that would be good. :)

Many of us have been caught on the hop so to speak and you really dont need the complication of it or your head all of a spin again.

It's very odd to be inordinately proud of a complete stranger on a forum, but I am and I'm so excited for you too.

Joys said it better than I could have: It's very odd to be inordinately proud of a complete stranger on a forum, but I am and I'm so excited for you too.
And wee is the queen of practicalities and wisdom as usual!
Tom enjoy yourself girl!
(Waiting for a post that says that your main worries are juggling a job and motherhood!)

hahaha 'if you fancy joining them' . I predict more sly invitations half intended to make you feel guilty as he sees how great you look and realises what he's thrown away.

Good luck!

Did the tattoo hurt tons?! thinking of getting one myself....

A bit. Sounds silly but it felt like cathartic pain. It also wasn't too bad - not half as bad as some stuff I've had (like c-section).

I can see how people get addicted to having them.

Lovely evening. My friend came home with me. No "drunken mistakes". I now have a slightly tender wrist xx

Glad you had a lovely conflict-free evening. Have a good weekend too!

Joins in with the 'so proud of you' (yet sheepish about it) brigade!

You've done so well Tom.

Its been such a hard time for you, and yet you've always been so thoughtful and so fair. I've learnt a lot from your style.

I think you're great and am certain you are going to emerge from this stronger and happier than ever, (despite your sore wrist. ;))

Well done Mrs x

Good one

All good plans and all that. There's a family thing going on in my neighbourhood that dd and I have been to. I was nearly in tears and had to come home. So many happy families and it was just the two of us. We then bumped into him on the way home. I swear he is around every corner right now. He only really talked to dd but then afterwards all she wants is her daddy.

I just want things to be calm again. I have these days of thinking I can do it, dd and I will be fine, and then days when I just want to curl up and someone to wake me up from this horrible nightmare.

I'm in awe of your composure when you see him. I'll bet he's pretty confused - you're a long way from the crying wife begging him to pick you that I imagine he though he'd have.

Don't even think about those seemingly happy families - for all you know, they might have the most God-awful relationship behind closed doors.

And you're freeeeeeee! Look down at your tattoo. Repeat: every tough day is one I don't have to do again.

I know it's trite, but it is a roller coaster. You would be a very strange individual if you could just walk away and feel nothing

Remember your feelings are confused, are you upset about missing him or are you upset about the life you had planned? Two very different things

Yep, it's not linear I'm afraid. Could he be hanging about places you might be around? It may seem unlikely, but IME, it is amazing what they get up to when they think you're slipping away/they're losing control.

You are doing really well, coping with all you have had to. And looking after DD (more or less full time0. And managing to get yourself out looking for jobs. And a tattoo!

I'm not sure I was that composed - I was very close to tears and covered in chocolate ice cream. Sunnies helped I think.

I'm not going to beg. I think he doesn't know how to handle it. He always has been so sure I would have him back and he must be starting to doubt it now.

I don't think it is intentional. He is living nearby and I've been seeing him at very normal places - at the traffic lights on the way back from the shops, at the bus stop.

I am very confused about what I'm upset about Christina. We honestly used to have a proper laugh about loads of stuff before the affair happened - it wasn't all bad. Looking back it was all very innocent too - we had all these running jokes for years and they stopped when he had the affair. He said it was all too cloying.

I am really really mourning the future I won't have now - I have to face the fact that instead of a big happy family it is just me and dd. It won't even be us full time because she will be off seeing him too.

On days like today that isn't a bad thing - she has been a proper monkey pushing boundaries. She has been on the naughty step 3 times (normally about once a fortnight) for hitting me and being very disobedient. I haven't had any backup and that has been hard too.

I'm utterly devastated that he had it in him to be such an utter bastard, and that I became such a pushover in the face of it.

Anyway dd asleep now so I can have some tea, a spot of house of cards and an early night. Am glad today is nearly done. It's been a tough one.

Aw tom it's a long road, sometimes the sadness is just overwhelming

What do you mean it got too cloying?

He basically said that all of the little things I would say to him were not sweet any more, he told me to back off.

It's all of those little rejections which were the backdrop to me trying so hard to please him and losing myself completely in the process.

Tom, that's awful, so hurtful. He just changed the whole ground rules of your relationships when it suited him. Those things must have really hurt

He knew what he was doing was wrong and you were a constant reminder of that and the cowardly little shit turned it on you

They really hurt. I didn't understand why at the time. I thought it was me. This is what I have meant I think when I said that I took the blame for our relationship disintegrating.

I thought I wasn't loveable any longer. And so I tried harder and harder to make life easy and nice for him.

I didn't cry the whole time either. I think I was just in denial. It's now looking back that I see what was happening. And it makes me either furious or desperately sad.

Our "connection" was made up of these moments - the tender, slightly goofy parts of the relationship. Regardless of what happens going forwards and whatever he says, I don't think I can ever be like that with him again.

*He basically said that all of the little things I would say to him were not sweet any more, he told me to back off.

It's all of those little rejections which were the backdrop to me trying so hard to please him and losing myself completely in the process.*

Arrrrgggghhhhhhhh

Its like that one when they tell you they love you but they don't like you anymore.

And when things they used to be so proud of you for become 'nothing really'.