Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Good plan, also time to get a shit hot lawyer

Yep. WOO had given me some very good advice too on that front.

You have came a long way in a few weeks, what a stupid stupid man

Tom you speak about losing yourself and I can remember being so lost I couldn't see myself in the mirror. It was so upsetting that I had my hair dyed from its very natural blonde to red. I was desperate to see myself and it was the only way I could for a while.

There really was no missing that red.

Not strong enough to be with him? That's skewed. You're doing great.

I wish I was a natural blonde. I have blonde highlights at the moment in my brunette locks. I am going dark again on Friday.

Humph, hair colour! Ds and I were sitting one night, he said " mum what did we have for dinner?" I replied " shepherds pie, why?"

He said " it's reminds me of your hair, all black underneath and white , orange and yellow on top!"

Hahaha! You gotta love 'em. I have no idea what gems my littl'un will come out with in the years to come.

I have told my mum. She is on my side. She said she could never forgive him for how he has treated me, and how he had behaved toward her through this.

As always I think you are being very sensible. Get your ducks in a row and have a better position of power.

Your logic is unshakable and I wish you every strength with the emotional baggage of sticking to this

I've been much more reflective over the last couple of days. Am just trying to get on with things. I saw a counsellor this afternoon and I don't think I'm going to press ahead with him. But while I was with him I realised that I am much more peaceful with the decision to forge ahead on my own with my very gorgeous dd.

I was tidying some stuff away and have just condensed my various scribbles - the timeline of the affair (including when they saw each other) and the various behaviours I have observed, how I have felt. I have realised that I haven't had the whole truth - there are discrepancies in the timing of when they had apparently split and when they had seen each other. And right now all of that is just semantics - the truth for me is that I don't trust him in the slightest and don't believe what he has been saying.

I feel like tomorrow is a really big day for me in terms of moving on - I have an interview for a role which is ideal on paper, my hair is going back to my natural colour, and I'm getting my little tattoo (I am now wondering whether it is a good idea or totally bats). And then I have a lovely silly girlie night out.

Mum advised my to listen to thought for the day today. It feels utterly pertinent to him - it basically said that in the modern world you have to pay attention to being kind and humble and thinking of others because the business and political worlds celebrate the exact opposite.

I wanted to thank all of you wonderful people too. You have been so giving with your time and your wisdom and I have relied so utterly on your advice and humour when I was at my very lowest. You are amazing.

Good luck, tom. I think it is more than likely that the truth of the affair has never been revealed to you and that is has been ongoing during periods that run counter to his claims. I think the details matter less than what you say above. He is untrustworthy and doesn't view you as 'real'.

Have a great day and yes, get the tattoo! Why not?!

Enjoy the day! Yes, kindness and humility are great ingredients in life and it sounds as if your h has lost these if he ever had them.

Glad you have more clarity

Enjoy today. Tattoos are permanent, so be sure you actually want it though ( I know you know this, just sayin)

My thought about the tattoo is while you want it as a symbol of getting yourself back it might actually be the opposite and remind you of his cruelty. If you didn't think of getting it prior to finding out you were married to a cheater is it too linked to his adultery?

Enjoy your hair pampering appointment.

What a wonderful post Tom. A long way to go but you sound at peace with yourself. I wish you all the best for today - and that includes the tattoo!!!

I've been married a long time with lots of ups and downs. I was trying to think of the things that make it work and amongst them are: trust, respect, humour, DCs, tolerance and love. You get them in different quantities at different times but lose them and it would be a hard road.

Don't settle for less in your life. Disrespect, lies, deceitfulnes and selfishness - maybe the OW would settle for that. You are worth so much more. Believe it.

Have a great day x

Delurking to say good luck with the job interview!

Have a wonderful day - a day of reclamation of yourself, a celebration of the future, and how it's going to be from here on in. And good luck with the interview.

It's gonna be a Fabulous Friday!

De-lurking to add to your 'First Day of the Rest of My Life' soundtrack:

Good Luck with the job interview!

Good luck today Tomato.

xxx

It has been a fabulous Friday (so far). I bumped into him at the bus stop (as you do) dressed in my finest Claire Underwood. It was all a bit painful.

Then I was in the interview for nearly 2 hours - I had been for an interview there about 5 years ago but didn't have strong skills in a particular area which I have developed (big time) in the last job. The lady I would be working for is amazing. I so so so so so want this job. When she walked in the room she said she thought it would be me but hadn't double checked and her first words were "I'm so glad it's you".

She's seeing more people next week but I'm going back to meet more people (date tbc). And I have more interviews lined up with other places even if this doesn't work.

I am now a brunette. I look like myself again.

I have a tattoo. That bit is strange! It's a really pretty feather on my wrist and I can cover it up with chunky bracelets (which I quite often wear). I feel really naughty and like a have this really big secret!!

Later I am seeing my girls for a couple of drinks and a lovely meal.

So all in all I really do feel like I am reclaiming who I am. And breathe!!

Well where to start with all of that!!!!!!!!

Nice one!

He is sorting out dd tonight. He has picked her up from nursery and doing the bedtime routine and then babysitting for the night. Apparently they are having an ice cream in the square if I fancy joining them.

As. If.

Will he be at your house when you go home?