Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

[tomatoplantproject]

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

Hi Weebirdie. Cross posted with you. I'm really pleased you had a great holiday. I think that sometimes having a lovely time highlights how bad things are in other areas. It's almost like it shows in stark relief actually what is wrong rather than just muddling through.

I'm so sorry Tom. You're such a lovely, intelligent, caring, funny person you don't deserve this shit.

I think it's totally inevitable, he's just not good enough for you.

This calls for a snatch of

Dear Tom! I will read more carefully your posts later on.
I am sorry or glad that his behavior yesterday uncovered who he is.
Who knows the affair might have been a blessing in disguise?
Take care love!

I've just had my little girl in her sparkly disco shoes dancing around to I will survive!! Thank you, twinkle.
She's now lying in the floor next to my cat.

Are you going to tell him he's blown it?

I'm more of Destinys Child " survivor " and " independent "

I will play those too Christina!

No, not yet. I can't cope with another barrage of his emotions. I've created some space for myself for a couple of weeks at least, I hope. I'm going to live with the decision for a little while and get used to it.

I want to get a job and get childcare sorted out so I can stand on my own two feet and have my own money coming in so I'm not reliant on him for paying the bills.

Have you ever written a journal? I found it useful to help me sort my head out

Not recently. I did when I was travelling.

I've written nearly 3 threads. I think in a way this is my journal.

Just a pity you have us lot in it

You lot are great. Even when you say things I really really really don't want to hear. And when I want to stick my fingers in my ears and go "la la la la laaaaaa"

I wish I could send you a picture. Dd is currently in her old baby bath which I have filled with warm soapy water. She has got herself all of her sandpit toys and a saucepan. Hours of entertainment.

Love it! Enjoy it while you can, I now spend my time escorting his highness to swimming, tennis, scouts, fishing and various social engagements, and when I say escorting I mean driving, providing outfits and providing snacks

Yes that's all to come. Although I do grin and bear various toddler activities. We had a "music" group this morning.

Oh god I remember those, at least now I can drop him off and sit with a coffee until I pick him up!

Tom, May I suggest a nice light book for some escapade on a Sunny afternoon:
'Little Lies' by Moriarty/ Did you read it? Well written and pleasant characters - Mums of toddlers. I can easily imagine these Mums to be MNs mums (the story is in Australia).
I also found the short stories of Alice Munroe quite good to put everything life throws at us in perspective. They helped me go through the first days after DD. I found the style concise- precise and full of compassion. Besides the stories are short- so it is easy to read when our mind is confused re-the affair. She is a lovely companion Alice M. Our literary WOO?

Hello Tom - sounds like Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life. It sounds pretty good so far - supportive parents and friends, lovely DD, cat, no more talk of concrete floors, your own choice of art on the wall.
You're moving on without him, and I think he's probably amazed to see who you are emerging as. More fool him. You gave him so much time, tried to be so understanding, you couldn't have done more.
And the future is all yours

Hussars

Hear, hear

I'm glad you've reached an epithany of realising that he's selfish first and foremost.

That's the trait adulters have that allows them to cheat as their wants are more important than the needs of the people they supposedly love!

The rest of us put the needs of the ones we love above our own selfish wants if it means we'll affect them negatively.

I still can't get the fact he never asked you how you were. Says it all really.

Hussars - that is lovely, thank you. There is a lot in my life that I have to be very thankful for. You missed out one very important component - the wise women of mumsnet!!

I was sat there gobsmacked. I have been totally confused by how I managed to lose myself and as I sat listening to him and the language he used I thought "that's it!" He spoke only about what he thought we should be doing, where we should be going, how we could enrich our lives. Not once did he ask what I thought. And then toward the end I realised he hadn't even asked how I was. It was one of those moments.

I came back so sad and heartbroken from that meeting because I realised I was chasing a lost dream. That as he is right now, I cannot be with him. I cannot even stick around waiting for him to change because it's just too big a leap, and I don't have faith that he can get there. I thought I was a strong person but I'm not strong enough to be with him and I don't want to live having to constantly battle to have my opinion heard and my needs met.

I have had a flurry of phone calls about possible jobs and I really do need to start working out how I can secure the future for dd and I.

I'm feeling an enormous sense of relief that I have made a decision and I don't have that nagging feeling that perhaps I have it wrong. I needed to go through what I have gone through to be at peace with that decision (if that makes sense).

And joysmum - yes that's a good way of thinking about selfishness. So true in this case.

Have you told him or are you going to hang on thinking you'll be better able to manage doing that in future.

Well tom you can wAlk away knowing you tried, no regrets

Or strut awAy a la Beyoncé

I will walk away with a very straight back and flat tummy from all my yoga!!

I'm not going to tell him yet. I want to sit with it. I want to get a job. I don't want to be in a vulnerable place any longer when I talk to him.