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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:28

Blood - yes it does mean focussing on me and dd and my friends and sorting out a job and getting rid of the niggles in my back.

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BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 23:28

yes i agree. tom you need and deserve the sort of support and positive protection and space that a counsellor can give you right now.

MsPavlichenko · 02/06/2015 23:29

So last night he was at "rock bottom", shattered etc. Tonight he's bouncing around suggesting holidays and city breaks. He's running rings around you. And almost certainly still lying by intent or omission.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:29

That sounds wonderful when you put it like that blood.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:31

Ok I'm going to try and switch off and get some sleep. Thank you for listening to me and supporting xx

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BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 23:32

find someone near you that is accredited and whose website font doesn't make you cringe and book an appointment now. You deserve someone physically present, on your side, supporting you, where you can give voice to what's happened to you without it being some sort of argument or negotiation. www.bacp.co.uk/

andthenagain · 02/06/2015 23:32

He has absolutely no idea does he? He believes this can all be swept under the carpet and fixed by a holiday and a slap on the wrist. Life will go back to normal.
Did he explain at all how or when and if he has finished with OW or is she still in the background?
I do not believe for one second that his whole attitude changed in 1 week, that he "saw the light". Did something happened with OW in that last week.
you will probably new fully know the truth but the man you see before you is your H, this creature IS them man you married, this is just a side to him you have never seen before.
You have some very tough decisions ahead remembering the H you see before you will be the H you will be spending the rest of your life with.
I hope he gives you the space and time you have asked again for, but l wouldn't hold my breath.

BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 23:32

night xxx

Weebirdie · 02/06/2015 23:34

I think Tom that you may find you have been unhappy for quite some time xxx

I agree with you.

I suggested it a few weeks ago.

I also suspect there has never really been a chance of reconciliation on Toms part but she's gone through the motions in order to prove herself right.

laurierf · 02/06/2015 23:35

Tom, so sorry. Was hoping so much that he'd at least show some signs of properly having seen at least some chinks of the light, though it was of course far too quick for a wholesale change. I said before that I haven't been through this firsthand myself… actually that wasn't true - I've been the young DD but not the wife, and lived through mum taking him back when nothing had changed really and he was still in this mode (but of course I was too young to understand that was what had happened and it took me a long and confusing time to work out the 'whys' when I was older). This was really his chance tonight (having given him the chance to blow it once already). I don't think you're doing anyone any good by letting this string out longer, so please don't let that be your motivation in doing so. Sorry, I know that's blunt. I'm not in your position and I don't know how I'd act.

BathtimeFunkster · 02/06/2015 23:47

He is ready to start planning holidays and little breaks away.

Hang on... so 7 weeks of hell have passed for you, and he's still exactly where he was when you first found out.

He had planned a little dirty weekend away to "reconnect" just as you found out. And that's still his plan for fixing things.

Jesus, what a letdown. In all that time, he has learnt nothing.

Joysmum · 03/06/2015 00:19

He had the grace to look properly shocked when I pointed out toward the end of the evening that he hadn't even asked how I was

There it is in a nutshell Shock Sad

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 06:59

Morning all. I have slept and feel a lot better, although very whacked. Dd also slept which was a blessing for both of us.

He was saying that he wants to spend the next 30, 40 years with me. Right now the thought of spending 30 years with a man who is so bound up with himself that he doesn't even think about how I am and what I need fills me with horror.

It was all me, me, me. Only after I had pointed things out did he ask how I was or what I wanted. I see how I lost myself and my thoughts and opinions because I don't think it even crossed his mind I would want anything different to him. I don't see how he can change so fundamentally. And I don't think that a therapist would necessarily pick up on something so insidious because when you sit and talk about yourself of course your opinions and feelings are uppermost.

I don't want to spend my life with my opinions being an afterthought.

I'm going to find a counsellor for me, and I am going to have a think about the Monday appointment and whether to go on my own. Someone said that I am being dragged down in the inevitability of it all and I think that is true.

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/06/2015 07:13

Another disappointment for you tom Flowers
He sounds utterly crap as a loving partner...
When I've been in relationships and desperate for travel (I love travelling normally) it often was from a search for excitement/distraction/escape. I think this is what the silly sod is trying to do.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 07:18

When I went travelling I did it for an escape (but also for the adventure). It made me very grateful for what I had back at home and not to take the little things for

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 07:19

granted

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 07:53

I have made contact with a couple of different counsellors. I will also explore having individual sessions with our relate lady.

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Christinayanglah · 03/06/2015 07:59

Morning tom, I'm glad you are feeling a bit better

Tbh I think it is more than a counsellor he needs, counseling allows you to talk but it doesn't really challenge, I think he needs a therapist

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 08:02

I've told him I think he needs a therapist. I think he is so blind to his faults I don't think he even realises he has any.

This is for me though. I may have just a couple of sessions and decide I'm ok but I need help to get out of this fog.

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Christinayanglah · 03/06/2015 08:06

Can you and dd get a wee holiday somewhere? Mor could you go away a couple of nights on your own, spa hotel, long walks, sleep?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 08:13

We are planning a caravan trip with my parents in a few weeks for my birthday. He might take dd back to his parents for a few days in a week or so too and I can get a proper break.

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Christinayanglah · 03/06/2015 08:22

If he does, then go away somewhere, get a change of scenery and just exhale

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 08:23

Yes I think that's a good idea - some fresh air will do the world of good xx

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Weebirdie · 03/06/2015 12:44

Sometime going away for a few days or longer can be good for a person but it can also be not good in other ways.

Im just back from a fabulous holiday that I thoroughly enjoyed yet my session with my lady today was all about my time away had highlighted things I'm still working on and made them seem a whole lot worse. I was in fact crying on the plane home, not noisy crying, just tears rolling down my cheeks, and all because of some music on the inflight entertainment system on top of other things.

I know it sounds daft and you might think how on earth can she say her holiday was great? But it was, even though it also had another side to it.

So please, if you have time away, don't feel obliged to come back and say yep, everything in the garden was rosy whilst I was away.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 03/06/2015 12:59

I'm unwinding. It's impossible to be too down with a sunny day and a silly toddler around. Although I am still quite close to tears and it wouldn't take much to set me off.

I said it before and I will say it now. I am done. He started to say what I needed him to, and I desperately wanted him to be the man I thought I had married. So I listened and I thought we might be ok. But last night I realised how utterly self absorbed he was.

I even gave him a book and I had told him how accurately the book had described my feelings, and the book had told him how he had needed to behave. I had passed a message to him from his sister telling him how to behave. But he doesn't have an ounce of actual empathy or respect for me.

It didn't even occur to him to ask how I was until I pointed it out, at which point he was all sympathy and "what can I do to help".

I can't live my life having to battle to make my voice heard within the marriage.

I feel really relieved to leave him behind.

On Friday I have an interview for another job, then a hair appointment when I'm going to go back to my natural hair colour, and then I'm going to get my tattoo done. And then I am out with a couple of my friends to reclaim the restaurant I went to with him a couple of weeks ago.

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