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Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 22:44

At least it's done. Today has been tough.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 02/06/2015 22:45

Tomato - do you really need the joint therapy session with him? Cant you just jump straight to you having therapy alone? Do you need to be doing anything with him for the time being?

Re the holidays and little breaks away - thats the easy way out, as well as an indication of how he will never get what he has done.

Im so sorry you ended up crying.

Christinayanglah · 02/06/2015 22:46

I know it has , your exhausted with the whole thing and just want life to be back on an even keel. So you are so tired and bored with thinking about this

BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 22:47

Support HIM!? (fuck me)
YOU need to start having some therapy.

He hadn't cleared the history?! Lying fuck. Seriously, that is SUCH bollocks. I'm so angry on your behalf. He had one chance with that. ONE. You can't then present it later all deleted and clean and all that. Ugh. The one test you can do, if you really want to know the truth is to say you want him to call OW in front of you on speakerphone and have him ask her to tell the truth about when and if things ended. If done calmly and respectfully, often OW will admit and talk. And this shattering of compartmetalised worlds and crushing of his ego works wonders. My friend did with with her Dh as a condition of them getting back together and he told the OW on the call she wasn't to contact him again and he wouldn't contact her and it really severed everything. It was good.

And i can't believe he didn't ask how you were. What a cunt.

RIGHT Tom, stop this, stop this now. YOu're going under again, you're sinking. He's pushing you down. YOU are being made to feel like a failure because YOU can't deal with and repair the affair HE has had. This is CRAZY?! you have to see this how it is. He is poisoning you with his arrogance and deception and narcissim everytime you see him and you are being sucked into an inevitability of reuniting and your back is breaking under the weight of what it demands of YOU. It's CRAZY. PLEASE step back and try and see this as happening to a friend. I feel so protective of you. The ONLY way you should even consider stepping towards that road is if he is doing absolutely everything to lighten your burden past the point that it was before even the affair and keen to repair and ease your burden and enrich your life immeasurably. This is so sad and I won't see it happen to you.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 22:54

He's saying we should do more city breaks. He got all excited about doing a 2 month trip to India with dd because one of his clients has just returned. He clearly never listens to me because I've always said I would love to do a big trip with children.

I pulled him up big time. "I think we should do this, I think we should do that." No "if there is anywhere in the world you'd like to go where would it be?"

I'm so far from dreaming about the future with him it's untrue. I have to get my head around too much first.

If I had to think about holidays I'd rather go and sleep under the stars. There are enough adventures in the UK for a toddler - the beach is plenty - without travelling halfway round the world.

The big trip I want to do with her is when she is 4 and able to remember more. I'd love to just get a big camper van and travel that way. If he ever asked.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 02/06/2015 22:57

I had to come back to this.

The holiday is a fucking cliche.

It was a cliche weeks ago and its still a cliche today.

Its how he's quantifying his antics - a holiday will soon sort it!

Weebirdie · 02/06/2015 22:58

Sorry Tom, we cross posted.

Christinayanglah · 02/06/2015 23:00

Honestly the India trip really sums him up, frankly, what a prick. Why would a two month trip to India be appealing to a two year old, another thing to add to his list of pretentious shit

This man cannot see by the end if his own nose, you are going through hell and he is talking about City breaks????

He has no idea, he never has and he never will. I have tried to remain fairly neutral on this thread but honestly it is time to tell him to get himself to fuck

Weebirdie · 02/06/2015 23:01

I have tried to remain fairly neutral on this thread but honestly it is time to tell him to get himself to fuck

Thats the stage Im now at as well.

BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 23:03

that's very sad he didn't ask . or think to suggest something he's always known you've wanted to.

Christinayanglah · 02/06/2015 23:04

You don't need joint counselling as there is feck all wrong with you, it's him that is a flawed individual and he needs therapy, of course he would need to take his head out his arse to do this

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:07

I've told him to back off and give me space. He has been utterly self obsessed. I can't deal with him right now.

And no thanks. I don't want another holiday right now with him. The last one was a disaster because he utterly rejected me the whole time.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 23:08

i think what's worrying is not so much that he wants you both to travel, but that he's still the protagonist. you're his sidekick. He's thinking how HE can get over his affair, by obliterating it with adventure, pleasure and novelty, and you can share it with him. He considered his sidekick being someone else there for a while. but lucky you. Now pop back in the sidecar.

MsPavlichenko · 02/06/2015 23:08

He is just so full of himself, so sure he's coming home. It's breathtaking. Still all him, him, him.

Why don't you go for counselling/therapy and leave him to sort himself out (if he can). Really have a break from all his crap. Let him really start to feel the reality of living apart.

You sound so down, so overwhelmed, and you have done since you allowed him back into your life. Your confidence is dropping every time you talk (listen to him indulging himself).

Think about it. I'm only surprised he's not suggesting going to Italy.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:13

Yes I definitely need some help. And so does he.

I can't keep doing this and I have told him I need the space. I need to focus on the good things. My head is too muddled.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 23:13

yes your confidence is so massively affected by him tom, it's like a toxin gets in you.

and yes, that's the other thing, he's so so sure he's coming home. Do you see the pattern? That EVERY time you find strength and begin to genuinely consider independence his belly gets closer to the ground and he finds humility and says the right thing (all born out of pulling on that string to keep you close) and then as soon as you start to lower your status and get dragged back into the inevitability of your marriage he rises up again, all ego and selfish and powerful over you. This is the dance.

Christinayanglah · 02/06/2015 23:15

I think I would leave the joint sessions for now

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:18

I think he's latching on to the travel because that's my "thing". I've been all over the world. I did a year long trip on my own just before I met him. I've actually had so much adventure I'm happy tootling more locally and I don't want to go too far afield with dd.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 02/06/2015 23:22

And what would the woman who did a year long trip on her own say about this situation?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:23

I don't imagine a future with him any longer. I don't think I can ever be me when he is there.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 02/06/2015 23:23

yeah.....so is he really latching on to the travel because it's your thing or because it's 'his' thing....? You've already said it's inspired by a friend at work, not you. You've just said actually you're happier to stay close to home now having done all that.

Hope that you're not trying to project thoughtfulness onto him that isn't there.

And the fact that you don't want to be around him so you can 'focus on the good things' I hope means you and your kids and your own life . I hope it doesn't mean that you're trying to cling on to the marriage through illusion you create alone since the reality of him keeps shattering it.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/06/2015 23:24

Christina - I think she'd be shocked. She'd probably go "fuck it, take that risk, move on, the next adventure is just round the corner".

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 02/06/2015 23:25

Please forget about hm needing counseling.

Please arrange it for yourself, alone, and not just because I think it's very possible he could even do a number on the counsellor.

It would be right up his street, he would get a massive kick out of bamboozling both of you.

Christinayanglah · 02/06/2015 23:26

I think you need to find someone to speak to Tom, someone who can help clearance fog, I think Tom that you may find you have been unhappy for quite some time xxx

Christinayanglah · 02/06/2015 23:26

Clear