Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 01/06/2015 08:29

have you told him that it is now ok for him to contact you frequently despite your initial request for time and space? Or is he now disregarding that as he has changed his mind/panicked/whatever.

It may appear to be positive, and an symptom of the urgency he feels. Or alternatively, a sign of his entitlement, and assumption that his needs trump yours. Also his "anxiety" about drifting apart can also be seen as a veiled threat to you as in time's running out for us, to worry you/force you back.

BathtimeFunkster · 01/06/2015 08:49

I made the biggest mistake of my life

I would be interested to know which of the many, many "mistakes" (aka deliberate decisions) he now considers to be "the biggest".

I can't explain why I did it.

How reassuring Hmm

He really has a fucking cheek coming back to you with this.

It's all about what he wants.

Nothing about what is best for you.

No work done (in 6 weeks!!) working out why he did it.

Jesus.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 09:05

He hasn't said it yet bathtime - I am predicting what he will say tomorrow.

But yes one of the things I have been so furious about is that every single time he was in contact with her he had an opportunity to call it off and he didn't. And each time he got himself further and further emersed.

I haven't said we can have more contact but the phone call on Friday was the only time I have talked. All of the other times he has asked I have said no, and I will continue to do so. He seems to think we need to connect sooner rather than later but I've said I'm happy to take the chance of waiting.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 01/06/2015 09:29

Ah, OK.

Well maybe he won't say those things.

I think a sign that he's starting to get it will be if instead of focusing on how this is the worst mistake he has ever made in his life, he starts to think of it in terms of it being the worst thing anybody has done to you in your life.

Then some explanation for why he chose to do that if, as he claims, he loves and respects you.

And why, as someone who loves you and wants what's best for you, does he think you should spend your life with someone who has betrayed you?

BloodontheTracks · 01/06/2015 10:28

I think chief in this is the why he did it question. What permissions he gave himself and why. How he blamed it on you and in what way he now realises that was wrong. What he wants to change about himself to ensure it won't ever happen again. How he plans to go about changing that. And I would add, if you want to ask, a truthful explanation of why he wouldn't show you his phone, what went on over that period and taking responsibility for it even though it may show him in a terrible light.

Good for you to be 'happy to take the chance of waiting', tom! His hurrying you is such a selfish thing, as if he's saying, well watch out, if you take too long I'll be forced to fall over into someone else's vagina, and you don't want that! blurgh

BloodontheTracks · 01/06/2015 10:29

I think chief in this is the why he did it question. What permissions he gave himself and why. How he blamed it on you and in what way he now realises that was wrong. What he wants to change about himself to ensure it won't ever happen again. How he plans to go about changing that. And I would add, if you want to ask, a truthful explanation of why he wouldn't show you his phone, what went on over that period and taking responsibility for it even though it may show him in a terrible light.

Good for you to be 'happy to take the chance of waiting', tom! His hurrying you is such a selfish thing, as if he's saying, well watch out, if you take too long I'll be forced to fall over into someone else's vagina, and you don't want that! blurgh

Yes also Bath makes a good point about talking to you like a friend. As a friend, do you really think I should be with someone like you? Is it what's best for me?

BloodontheTracks · 01/06/2015 10:34

sorry double post

Twinklestein · 01/06/2015 10:37

What else could have triggered the sudden realisation other than the Italian Job ending things? Sure, he could have talked to his family but he will have been doing that from the start.

I asked my husband last night whether he has to work hard to stay faithful and he said he found it really easy.

Twinklestein · 01/06/2015 10:41

Someone who struggles to stay faithful is essentially a philanderer.

Weebirdie · 01/06/2015 10:42

He will say yes, you should be with me because I'm going to change and no one else will ever love you the way I do.

It's why I think the reasons for doing it aren't worth a polished turd. They are immaterial. It happened. And that's the b all and end all of all of it.

The future is now about whether Tom takes the chance on going forward with a man who will always have to have their family life pivotal to him and his issues that he's acknowledged will take a lifetime of work. And in truth he was being very honest when he said he didn't know if it would happen again because he knows himself well enough to to be aware that it might just.

And of course when it does Tom will be told - well you knew I had issues and I have tried to work on them but they were way too much to fix.

Weebirdie · 01/06/2015 10:48

Yes twinkle, I also think she ended it.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 13:09

Thank you all - lots of food for thought.

Someone predicted he would use dd to get to me. He just has.

He wants to get more involved in dd's nursery and talk to the staff about her progress. He wants us to do it together. I've said I'm happy with how she is doing there but he is welcome to go and speak to them on his own if he wants.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 01/06/2015 13:21

Twinklestein I asked my husband last night whether he has to work hard to stay faithful and he said he found it really easy

Really.....and what did you really expect your DH to answer?

Twinklestein · 01/06/2015 13:45

Really... you what do you expect me to answer?

The point is it's not that fucking hard not to cheat.

If you struggle to stay faithful you are not essentially a faithful person.

MsPavlichenko · 01/06/2015 14:02

Yep, predictable re DD. It is tipping into harassment now. He is forcing his way into your day/head/life contacting you, even if you don't respond, or respond negatively. I'd think about cutting it all off, other than DD (plans, not vague suggestions re nursery) . And he can see her at his place when viable. Might also be worth asking a friend to be around if possible when he is there for handovers/bed time.

Christinayanglah · 01/06/2015 14:59

She is at nursery for 1 1/2 days per week? What progress is he looking for? If dd progresses with her art work will he allow to be hung in the house??

Tell him that it might be useful if the nursery are made aware of the family situation i.e. split because he had a seven month affair

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 15:34

It's ridiculous. He's not made the effort with nursery before and is only now feeling the disconnect with dd because I've always given him a run down of what she's been up to each day.

The main issue I have with nursery is that they are oversubscribed so I'm going to have a childcare headache for a few months when I go back to work.

Otherwise they are ace and dd has finally started joining in and has made some friends after months of hanging back with shyness.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 01/06/2015 15:53

Re timescales and him pushing you to move things along, remind him that he had seven months out of the marriage while he decided if he wanted to be in it , tell him you expect the same

Fearless91 · 01/06/2015 16:13

I'm not sticking up for him but in all fairness, perhaps he sees making more of an effort with DD as one of the things he needs to change and get better at?

You could say he's using DD as a way of getting closer to you..

Or you could say, he's actually interested in her nursery updates and how she is when he isn't around. That he does want to improve as a father (especially after all the shitty things he's been doing lately).

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it would take a lot say my DD father is using her to get to me.

Joysmum · 01/06/2015 16:20

Re timescales and him pushing you to move things along, remind him that he had seven months out of the marriage while he decided if he wanted to be in it , tell him you expect the same

Well said Star

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 18:08

It's just the timing of it all. I think he honestly does want to keep his closeness with dd, but I'm not stopping him. I suggested that he see nursery on his own, or that he does more pickups, and he sees dd whenever he can make it for bath/bed time which has been once a week the last few weeks.

Re the timescale I would rather take lots of time. If I feel backed into a corner I will end up running. As it is I'm on edge when he is around so the adrenaline is clearly still in my system.

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 01/06/2015 18:33

Because he is a stranger to you now. He's not the man you married , he has betrayed you and turned on you so you don't really know what to expect from him now

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 18:53

Yes I think that's it. And all these cozy little chats he wants us to have and until I start getting some proper gut wrenching honesty I can't do it. I'm so wary of him because I don't know what's next. Friendliness? Anger again?

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 01/06/2015 19:43

Tom, take time.
No rush.
IMO it is a very complex situation. He owes you to fully and honestly submit himself to therapy and counseling in order to uncover and properly address the underlying issues that pushed him to indulge in the affair and to even claim that he cannot guarantee that it will not happen again.
If you bring him to do so and if you are still willing to stay with him then all the 'maybe' and the 'if' will become irrelevant.
If he is not willing to do so then yes you will have to leave him.
All the ladies here: your wisdom is priceless but please take into account that people greatly vary in their strengths and in their weaknesses; in their upbringing and in their genetics make-up. What is easy for one might be difficult for the other. Everything is relative. Example: let us look at the genial Einstein, this King of Relativity :Math came easily to him but not so much faithfulness. In the faithfulness/cheating department it looks as if genes and culture are equally important. So the ones with the cheating genes might find it more difficult to be faithful. There are many men who are unhappy in their relationship and they do not cheat (I know a few) and there are many who are very happy who do cheat. So to rely on one single partner to conclude that faithfulness is easy or difficult is like to rely on a single testing to conclude that penicillin is good or bad.
Good Luck Tom!

Twinklestein · 01/06/2015 19:55

Yeah the OP is really likely to form an opinion on penicillin based on one test.

Swipe left for the next trending thread