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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: moving forwards in the right direction

999 replies

tomatoplantproject · 19/05/2015 07:16

Previous thread here

Story so far:
Dh had a 7 month affair which I discovered 1 month ago just after he ended it.
We had been having problems in our marriage since the start of the affair which I took the blame for Hmm
He has moved out, my toddler dd and I are in the family home.
We had started having couples counselling before I discovered the affair which we are now using to deal with the aftermath
So far he wants reconciliation but doesn't seem to be going about it the right way. I am in 2 minds and hope the right course of action emerges over the next few weeks dependant on his behaviour/way he speaks about me.
Unfortunately the counselling tonight, when I had planned to spill out all of my feelings, has been cancelled. We are still meeting though.
With the support of my amazing parents, a handful of close friends, my adorable dd and of course the wonderful wise ladies of mumsnet I am ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 20:36

I did think this evening that it isn't working him being here with dd. I'm going to say he needs to start taking her to his flat.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 20:37

Weebirdie - brief for me is good. I know your heart is in a very lovely place xx

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BloodontheTracks · 31/05/2015 20:51

good idea, tom. It's not helpful to have the person who is causing you distress in your own home. It's also much more like a separation which means you can both appreciate the reality of that.

Weebirdie · 31/05/2015 20:54

You just reminded me to watch BGT. I'm back off my holiday and can watch UK shows with the use of technology Wink so to speak.

I love the dancing dads and think it's high time something a bit different one.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 20:58

It's ok when it's the evening bath/bed routine because I have been able to go to yoga, but not at the weekends.

Ok - have just been spellbound by the magician on BGT. Maybe it is working after all!

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 20:59

Dancing dads were great. Good choice. I'm loving the magician though xx

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MsPavlichenko · 31/05/2015 21:08

Suspect the evening routines .are also troubling you albeit sublimely. And allowing him a sense of where you are at.

Also suspect tears are for him (am sure he really misses DD of course) Moving into that stage of the script. Very sorry for himself, and wanting to manipulate others to feel this too. May also start to look more dishevelled/sorry for himself.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 21:20

Useful to know about the next stage so I can be prepared. He's currently being nice and I have been pushing him away.

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BloodontheTracks · 31/05/2015 21:56

Nice is normal and not enough. Sometimes it's easy to forget that nice is what EVERYONE should be. The woman at the cornershop is 'nice' to you. It's not a heroic gesture, especially after so royally betraying and attacking and destroying you. Let's not start being grateful for 'nice', a behaviour we expect from strange children and dogs.

Of course he will be broken and yes move into that stage of turning up looking a mess and pushing all the 'he can't look after himself' broken bird buttons. All of this is part of the dance I was describing again, a search for concern and someone to feel bad for him and care for him (notice who's central again).

Here's the thing, to lean out of the 'dance' it's important that you commit to your own needs and rules. I know there was a timeframe in your head. you should spend this whole timeframe focusing on you and assuming that his behaviour in this time is for you to look at and judge when the time comes, not now. For now you are all about tom. Enjoy it. Enjoy being single (essentially) and happy and free and strong and remembering all those things about yourself, like your tastes and your humour and your kickass friends and tastes. Do not let his side of the game or the dance interfere with that. This was your plan all along.

It stands to reason he will become more and more attention-getting the more and more you move towards independence and detachment. That is always hard but it is the important state to get to. 'Pushing him away' is still engaging too much. You don't need to do that. You just need to be clear and detached and cheerful, even, if you like. You have done nothing wrong. You have set a period and you need to detach as much as possible in that period, for everyone's good. Because only THAT Tom should be making decisions about the rest of her life.

Nevergrowingup · 31/05/2015 21:56

. Just dropping in to see how you are. Such good advice and support here. I'll just nod, agree and wish you well - day at a time. Smile x

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 22:07

Blood - you are like that sane little voice in my head that calms me down and makes me think "ok - I can do this".

This evening has thrown me. So I need to make sure I put measures in place to not let it happen again.

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Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 22:08

And nice to see you too never Grin

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Muldjewangk · 31/05/2015 22:11

Tom I have been lurking and read all your posts. I wasn't going to comment because you are getting excellent advice and I thought I had nothing to add. Except I can't help but think your H has many of the traits of a Narcisstic Personality Disorder. If you just read further down to the list of the traits of a Narcissist, you will see his lack of empathy, self importance etc fits.

One thing not mentioned in the list are the tears. Narcissists only have tears for themselves. Your H's tears are not for you or your dd, they are only for him, because he is feeling sorry for himself. These type of people don't ever change, they are who they are for life. They will reel you in and are the nicest people in the first year or so. When you are trapped, (financially, married, have children etc) they then show their true colours.

I woke up and left for good when I realised my ex was always going to be this way.

Weebirdie · 31/05/2015 22:13

Muld, NPD has already been covered Smile

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 31/05/2015 22:17

Thank you muld. I have some info on NPD. I'm not ready to work out if that is him or not - I'm too close to it all.

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Muldjewangk · 31/05/2015 22:20

Yes Weebirdie I have read through the posts, but I think Tom needs to be reminded this type of personality are never going to change. It won't matter what she does to fix things, he will always be this way. Smile

saffronwblue · 01/06/2015 00:38

Tom the more he senses you focusing on yourself, the more he is going to up the ante around his needs because you are breaking the unwritten contract between you which is that everything revolves around him.
He was prepared to leave DD to run off with miss Italy - don't forget that when he shows emotion around her now.
Infuriating that he stuffs around her sleep schedule but don't let your anger be derailed on to that.

Christinayanglah · 01/06/2015 06:25

Hmmm he's really up ing his game, strange that he wasn't crying for dd when he was with the Italian bit or for the new baby he was willing to drag into this

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 07:46

It's all a bit pathetic. He's going to be pushing to start spending more time together to reconnect. I just know it.

Dd awake at 6 which isn't as bad as I feared. We have a morning just the two of us then a play date later.

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BathtimeFunkster · 01/06/2015 07:50

So after all this you expect more pushing of his own agenda, regardless of what you want?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 07:54

Yep. I guess that says a lot.

I'm very tempted to do a bit of bingo for tomorrow nights counselling session but that just gives him more air time in my head!

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Christinayanglah · 01/06/2015 08:02

You don't need to do anything for tomorrow night, you laid your cards on the table, this is his time to respond. You need to sit back and watch and listen

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 08:06

Yes that actually is my plan for tomorrow! I've said my stuff.

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Christinayanglah · 01/06/2015 08:07

Wonder what he will come up with?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/06/2015 08:21

I love you
I miss you
I made the biggest mistake of my life
I respect you enormously
I'm sorry
I can't explain why I did it

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